What's the problem?
Huh. This doesn't seem like a problem you should really need help with. Unless it's a metaphorical type of hunger. Do you hunger for metaphors?
Andersen Ross/Blend Images/Getty Images
Is your thirst like a simile?
No, it's a pretty literal type of hunger.
Well then, let's read The Big Book Of Advice. Ahh, here it is. You should eat something.
This thing has come in so handy over the years.
But there's a problem. I have been eating. And no matter what I eat, I'm still hungry.
Hmm. Do you have any other gastrointestinal symptoms? The squirts? The runs? Montezuma's Revenge? The trickles? Seeping Anus? McGregor's Dribble? Psycho Discharge? The Horror Breeze?
My tummy hurts a little.
Hmmmm. HMMMMMM. OK. Do you know any spells?
Cure1 should work. Cure2 if you have it.
CureAll is kind of a waste, though.
I mean, if you're saving your Mana for later, we can try something else. Do you have any potions?
Well that's easily handled. How big's your cauldron?
I do not have a cauldron.
Man, it's no wonder you keep getting into these pickles. You know, I'm beginning to think you should maybe take your problem to a doctor or other medical professional.
A cleric or druid, perhaps.
Ehhh. Do you really think I should?
I think that one should always be quite reluctant taking medical advice from a disembodied voice in their head.
Yeah, but going to a doctor is just kind of a hassle, you know?
Fair enough. On to the reckless medical advice, then! So I've vaguely heard somewhere that gastrointestinal tract issues can be caused by a number of different issues.
That doesn't feel very revelatory.
Well, just hang on. A huge percentage of those are basically due to exposure to fecal matter. So then, champ, how much ass-play have you been involved in recently? Loads, or merely a lot?
I'm not going to answer that.
Huh. That's weird. Refusing to admit unsanitary ass-play. I wonder.
No, that's not weird. It's normal. And I'm not admitting it.
No, there's something weird about this. Tell me this: Do you admire and respect our leaders?
Yes, of course I do.
You're being controlled by a parasite!
No one admires and respects our leaders. They're dillbags!
Feeling pretty let down by the stock image marketplace, here.
Look at all the evidence of parasitic control. You're asking for food, objecting to medical treatment, denying some pretty extensive ass-play, and admiring our leaders. That settles it. You're being partially controlled by a parasitic being, desperate to feed, survive, and spread itself to others.
How did this happen?
Again, probably ass-play.
Not that I need to be ashamed about it, but that's not my thing.
Well then. Have you recently drunk a can of Fresca you found in the bathroom of a Greyhound?
Yes, of course. Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
There's only a 4 percent chance of this happening
while drinking a Fresca elsewhere.
There it is, then.
So what do I do?
Release this wretched creature from your clenches, vicious parasite!
Who are you talking to? Wait. Am I the wretched creature?
You there! With the shit-eating grin! Can you still hear me? Good! You have to fight them!
It's just a regular grin! And how?
POISON YOURSELF. THE BURNING CURES ALL.
I'm not doing that.
DRINK GASOLINE AND SET IT ON FIRE.
Can you punch yourself in the stomach a bit?
We have to change the environment the parasites are living in to make it more hostile. Punching yourself in the stomach, or belly-flopping on to a fire hydrant should do that.
I'll try the punching thing. Ow.
Is it working? Are the parasites ... leaping from your anus?
No. What? WAS THAT WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO?
It's generally more pleasant than when they come out the side door.
I wonder now if maybe we should just be accepting of the parasites and maybe living with them forever. Is your life worse in any way? They could become a family of sorts. Give your life a renewed purpose.
What purpose are they giving me?
The drive to eat.
I was managing that just fine, thanks.
The drive to poop in public places and spread their kind.
That does sound kind of like fun. But wait. Won't spreading my parasites/new children like this doom the human race?
I don't want to do that.
It'd look bad during job interviews, I agree. "What's your greatest weakness?" "I doomed the human race." "Did you learn anything from that experience?" "No."
Who would I even be having that interview with?
The Parasite-Lords of the New Order.
"Where do you see yourself pooping in public to spread our kind in five years?"
Can we maybe just try to get rid of the parasites again?
Sure. The process, according to this article I'm reading on Wikipedia, sounds simple enough. Basically, we're going to strap you to a toilet and flush.
The ... toilet?
How much hose can you swallow? Be honest.
I'm not sure.
Well, let's find out together!
Can we gloss over this, and the next several steps, for the sake of decency?
-several completely indecent steps later-
That toilet is fucked up. Gosh, I hope it didn't have a family.
So I'm cured now? No more parasites?
Oh lord, I have no idea. You really need to see a doctor about that.
I'm suddenly less fearful of medical practitioners now. But what will they do?
Basically the same procedure, I think, but they'll be a lot more confident. Hose should be cleaner, too.
"And way more expensive."
And what do I do about my ... situation here?
Congratulations! Parasites have no longer taken control of your body. Should you desire any further assistance, please consult our guide, So Your Roommates And Landlord And Also The City Are Asking Some Pretty Tough Questions About Your Bathroom Activities.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and doesn't know how much hose he can swallow either. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Learn how up to 3 billion humans are already controlled by a parasite in A Word About The Parasite Controlling Your Brain, and find out how to avoid a parasite that infects your face in The 6 Most Brutal Infections You Could Have Right Now.
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