Did it work?
Did what work?
Did it come out?
Huh. I'd have thought a sudden shock would be enough to do the trick.
It made me clench harder, you idiot! I think it's deeper now!
Well don't clench. You need to relax.
How the fuck am I supposed to relax when I think of gerbils laying eggs inside of me?
It is terrifyingly inconsistent with our current zoological knowledge. Nevertheless, you do need to relax.
Do you smoke?
You might want to start. Well at least get a kettle going. We'll do up some chamomile tea.
I surprisingly have that.
Oh yeah, I had you pegged as a beacon of culture and taste. OK then. While the water comes to a boil, let's see what else we can do. Do you have any lubricants handy? Vegetable shortening?
I don't think so. I might have a can of WD-40 in the garage. Will that work?
Yes, I imagine it will. Now please don't explain how you're doing it, but go ahead and apply that now. I'll just be here, humming with my eyes closed.
OK. It's done.
I said it's done.
The gerbil's out?
What? No. The WD-40 is ... applied.
Huh. And the gerbil didn't come flying out like a mortar round, huh?
I think the WD-40 had trouble, uh, penetrating. I'm also having dripping problems.
Well you're gonna have dripping problems, obviously. OK. Let's try this again, except standing on your head, or bent over or something. Just get your ass up in the air, and again, please do not provide any details about what is happening.
OK. It's done.
So just sit like this for a bit. We need to let this uh ... penetrate. Squick. You know, I thought I'd enjoy giving this advice more.
Yeah, I can really sympathesize for you.
You can? I'd have thought ... oh, I get it. Sarcasm. Nice burn, Guy With a Gerbil in His Ass.
Thanks. OK, I think the stuff has uh ... done that verb we're uncomfortable with.
OK, stand back up.
Did the gerbil come out?
What the H, gerbil? OK, let's try plan ... D now, I guess. Do you have any fiber?
Yeah, fiber. You know. Whole grains. Fruits, vegetables. That kind of thing. These act as bulking agents in your, uh, leavings, which will help promote regularity. In a few hours, two, three days at most, that should be enough to remove the gerbil.
I can't wait two or three days!
You can't or you won't? Answer honestly.
Both! The gerbil's not going to survive another couple days!
The gerbil's still alive!?
Yes! I can feel ...
PLEASE DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. Oh that poor gerbil. Alone and scared, praying to his crazy gerbil gods.
Could you please get back to me for a moment?
What, you think praying's going to help you? The Abrahamic God, although on occasion known for forgiveness, has never been a fan of sin. And even though we've all agreed not to discuss the Risky Business-like shenanigans that led to a gerbil being in your ass, I think we would all be very fucking surprised if it didn't involve at least some type of sin.
Thou shall not harbor rodents in thine own self.