But what if it's relevant?
I can assure you that it won't be. I can also assure you that if you provide any more details about the haunted pet cemetery that is your social life, I will walk.
OK. So what should I do?
Well, according to the experts, who, I cannot stress enough, are not me, the most fail-safe way to get a gerbil out of your ass is to go to the hospital, where you'll have all the benefits of professional doctors and professional lubricants.
I think I'd like to avoid that if I can.
And rightly so. Obviously the big problem with hospitals is that they're full of documentation and judging eyes. You could honestly get arrested for this. Animal cruelty at least.
Are there any other options?
Uhhhhhh. Smuggling? Unlawful confinement?
Are there any other options for getting the gerbil out?
Ohhhhhhh. Yeah, sure. OK, let's go for an even simpler solution. Now, for this to work, you'll have to pay very close attention to me.
Are you paying close attention?
Are you sure? Get closer to the screen.
I'm paying attention!
THE GERBIL IS LAYING EGGS INSIDE OF YOU.
Due to the principle of opacity, there could be gerbils in here; there's no way to know.
Did it work?