Right. What I think has happened here is the government has developed powerful magic rings and given them to these teens, to harness their natural anti-smuggling powers.
You think that's more effective than sending the FBI or the DEA or a highly-trained team of military operators after me?
None of those have the power of friendship.
"Breach on my signal. Remember to cooperate, share, and above all else, have fun in there."
How do I stop them?
Do you have a ring with the power of water?
Then you'll have to settle for water with the power of water.
I, uh, what?
Fill a bucket with water and throw it at the next teen you see.
-splashing sounds, shrieking-
OH FUCK OW!
The water didn't do anything. It just spread the flames around!
Hmm. It seems these rings don't have the power of fire so much as the power of flaming oil.
This might not be the military operation I presumed it was.
Wait! I just thought of an idea!
What foils teens?
Boredom? Homework? Being exposed to the crushing weight of an unfeeling world?
No! Nooooooooo. Their parents!
What? What's wrong with you?
I'm going to take my suit of armor and dress it up like one of their parents. Then, using fishing line ...
Oh, I get it. That'll be the opium on fire, then.
Nah it's good. It's super good. Good's good. Goooooooooood.
Yeah, why don't we leave me in charge of the dumb ideas and you in charge of acting on them unfailingly.
Now then, teens do have one weakness which we haven't exploited yet.
Fire. Teens are weak against fire.
What should I dooooooooooooo?
Kick over some of the crates of rum.
That sounds dangerous.
Do it carefully, then.
OK. Wow. The whole place is just completely on fire.
Are the teens dead?
What? No. They're running away.
Not so YOLO after all, the little punks.
"Ooooh, don't set us on fire, we have our whole future ahead of us." Whatever.
Never mind. And congratulations! Your plot is no longer being foiled by teens. Should you require any further assistance, please consult our guide, So Your Plot Has Been Foiled By Teens.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has been foiled by teens, ATF agents, and a plucky cat and dog team. Join him on Facebook or Twitter for more of his wisdom.
For more him, check out So You've Swapped Bodies With Your Mortal Enemy and So You've Got a Gerbil Stuck in Your Ass.
Teens are our future, and they must be stopped at all costs. Click the Facebook 'share' button to spread the secret.
Recommended For Your Pleasure
There are gaps in the fictional universe that multiply from one film to the next.
March 22, 2019
Most people have a pretty basic idea of what it's like to be a parent.
March 15, 2019
Given everything we know, there's cause to be worried about these movies.
March 20, 2019
Hollywood has taken the entirely wrong message from its box office receipts.
March 21, 2019
There's no shortage of downright absurd conspiracy theories out there.
March 14, 2019
Some days you just don't want to go to work.
March 17, 2019