Slightly floppy-wristed? With a big smile? Also, you should show them that you're not armed.
Take off your clothes.
A naked man cannot have a weapon on him.
Right, sure. But other than your Gentleman's Pistol there, you'll be unarmed. They'll see that, and conclude you're harmless.
No, it's in the Sky Code. A naked pilot is one in distress.
Guaranteed. Try it and find out.
*some shuffling around*
How's it going?
I just wish I'd been to the gym more lately.
Yeah, especially if a fighter pilot is going to see you. Those guys are so cool.
OK, it's done. So what do I do now?
Just wave and dangle pitifully in the window.
Do you look wretched?
Joel Albrizio/iStock/Getty Images
I think so. And they look pretty disgusted.
At the minimum, you've bought yourself some time. Now then, let's get back to landing this thing. Do you see a runway anywhere?
Like right in front of me.
That's good. Suspicious, even. I wonder ...
You wonder what?
Nothing. OK, I've got a plan here. So, I've done some Googling.
You've done some Googling?
That's how a lot of the advice industry works now, yeah. Anyways, I found the manual to the 1995 edition of Flight Simulator.
Oh, that should help.
Now then. Do you know if the flight systems of this plane were installed by CD-ROM or floppies?
I don't know what either of those things are.
All right. Is your flight stick connected through a serial or parallel port?
I have no idea.
Well, crawl under the dash there and find out!
Should I be at all concerned that the ground is rapid hurtling towards us?
Better that than space. And until we get this flight stick thing figured out, there's nothing we can do! Now hurry!
What am I looking for, exactly?
There should be a cable.
There are two pedals and no cables.
Well we'll have to reboot then.
Wh- ... HOLY SHIT.
Did you do anything?
I shat myself a tiny bit.
Huh. That's what I thought. I deduced that the pilot must have set the auto-landing systems before he passed out.
So I didn't need to do anything?
I just had to keep you from fucking anything up.
Couldn't you have done that while I was comfortably seated?
Let me think ... Yes. Easily.
Thanks for that.
Hey, at least you made it down safely, and both you and the plane are no worse for the wear.
The floor of the cockpit here is a little worse for the wear, actually.
Congratulations! You have now no longer been asked to land a plane! You have been asked to never land a plane again! Should you desire any further assistance, please consult our guide So Delta Has Sent You A Sizable Bill For Steam Cleaning.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and not a trained pilot. He'd like to thank Lazer72 for the column idea, and for inspiring him to watch Airplane! a few more times. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
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