Again, I'm not especially interested in fucking robots.
Give it time. OK, then. Let's try saving you.
Do you have a small gun with you?
Let's try using that, then. Shoot it at the robot several times.
POW POW POW POW POW.
How'd that go?
Hang on. POW POW POW POW POW.
Did it topple over? Did it expire?
No, it's still relentlessly pursuing me.
Hmm. Do you have a larger gun?
Yes, of course.
Let's shoot that at the robot several times.
BOOM BOOM BOOM.
It slowed down a bit, but not much. It's still coming.
I was worried about that. OK, you're going to need to teach it to love.
Stop trying to get me to fuck robots.
That wasn't what I actually intended here. The robot views you as an object now; something to be removed from existence. You need the robot to view you as something more than an object. You need the robot to treat you as a peer.
So I ...
Do the robot.
Stop trying to get me to fuck robots.
No, the dance. The robot dance. Dance like a robot.
Dance like no one's watching because they've all turned their heads in disgust.
Is it working?
The robot has stopped.
It's reconfiguring itself to view you as a peer.
What do I do now?
Is there a metal foundry nearby?
Dance your way over to it. Is it following you?
It's just standing there.
Dance more seductively.
Now it's following me.
Boogie your way up to the edge of one of those big vats of molten metal.
Is that safe?
Are you still there?
Yeah. I'm just ... I'll just dance up to this vat of molten metal then.
They should really put a fence or something around these things.
Great! Now, using the power of dance, seduce the robot into plunging into the molten liquid.
He's not going for it.
No. He's looking at me funny.
He's computing! Oh shit! He's going to figure out your ruse!
What should I do?
Keep dancing. Wait! A paradox!
A statement which is inherently contradictory. A robot's mechanical mind can't handle such things.
What do I do?
Stop dancing! Then yell out, "THIS STATEMENT IS FALSE!"
Nothing. I just got a headache.
What is it?
YOU WERE THE KILLER ROBOT ALL ALONG.
You got a headache right after I told you the paradox.
No! Maybe I'm just dumb!
You're a killer robot and this robot was sent back in time to protect whoever it was you're going to kill.
I'm not trying to kill anyone!
You're trying to kill that robot.
YOU TOLD ME TO. OH GOD.
Is the good killer robot killing you? Is it protecting the future?
IT'S LUNGING OUT AT ME.
I'M FALLING. AHHHHHH.
So long, chump real killer robot.
Wait. It grabbed me. It saved me!
It's handing me a note.
What a quaint touch.
The note's in my own handwriting! It says that I sent this robot back in time to protect myself!
From the voices in my head which give me advice.
Like it's my fault that you're dancing on the edge of a vat of molten metal.
It is precisely your fault that happened.
I guess so. Well, congratulations on completing this advice guide. You are now no longer being hunted by a killer robot from the future. Should you desire any future advice, please consult our guide So You're Sexually Attracted To The Robot You Sent Back From The Future To Protect You.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has ruined an infinite number of futures. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Two things can happen in the future: Either robots will hunt us down and destroy us, or we will tame the robots and turn them into sex machines. See our very lonely future in The 4 Creepiest Ways We'll Inevitably Use Robot Servants. Gear up, because the war on robots is coming and we need your help. See how it'll shake down in How The Inevitable Human Robot War Will Start.
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