Riiiiight. So how long will it take for Helen Mirren to return?
Weeks? Months? She's had a stalker recently, so she might not be eager to return to this place. Oh, right.
Fortunately, there's something else you can do here which may make apologizing go much easier. What's that?
You're going to blackmail Helen Mirren. Why would I want to do that?
When this thing ultimately ends up in court -- and it will, because of all the semen -- you'll ... I haven't gotten semen anywhere!
It's coming. Heh.
Heh. Anyways, semen or not, this will probably end up in court, where the case will ultimately hinge on credibility. You, the poo-shipping cat-burglar, will have very little of this. Acclaimed actress Helen Mirren will have more. I mean, she's a knight, isn't she? She seems like she'd be knighted, hey? Whatever a lady knight is. A knightress.
That does sound pretty respectable.
Also kind of kinky in a way though, hey? I'm thinking chain mail draped on things. Naughty things. I'm beginning to wonder if I made a poor choice of advice source.
Yeah, because Dr. Phil is going to cover this very situation next week, idiot
. No, you've got a stupid problem, you need a stupid solution. -Long, heavy, defeated sigh.- All right.
So. You'll need to discredit Helen Mirren. And you're going to do that by planting evidence around her house that indicates she has an unhealthy sexual obsession with you. Of course I am. How am I going to do this?
Fill her computer with pictures of yourself showering. I assume you carry a thumb drive of those with you at all times.
I don't, but I guess they're easily made.
Excellent. Then, take some night vision goggles and put them in the back of one of her closets. Put a chunk of your hair into her panty drawer. Also ... What?
I'm just thinking. What?
Maybe ... maybe put like a small cup of your semen there. Like she collected it somehow.
"My client does not approve of the direction this article is taking." - Helen Mirren's attorney.