Yeah. They just pull a new one of you in off the astral plane.
AN ASTRAL PLANE. THERE ARE MANY.
Right. One of the local astral planes. Doesn't even have to be one of the good ones.
I ASSURE YOU I COME FROM ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.
Sure you do, Captain Volume Control.
Wow. Way to shake off the penis-hurt and burn your own clone.
ENOUGH FOOLISHNESS. MY PENIS HURTS LESS AND SO THE MURDER SHALL BEGIN ANEW.
Wait! I think I've got another idea.
IS IT MORE FOOLISHNESS?
Clone, I know you're new to this guy's advice, so don't doubt for a second that it will be more foolishness.
This might not be! I think I've got a way to keep you both happy.
We bring in another clone. He murders that clone, and gets to be the big murder-hero, and you walk away unmurdered. Everybody wins.
Except the dead clone.
YES, HE WOULD PROBABLY NOT CONSIDER THAT A WIN.
Yeah, but what if he's like a real asshole? Like if we got him from one of the asshole planes?
THIS IS ONE OF THE ASSHOLE PLANES.
Of course it is.
Well, one of the dickhead planes then.
So we get a ... worse ... version of me, and just straight up murder him?
I think the two of you could take him.
I'm still not really comfortable with this.
IT GETS EASIER.
I don't want it to be easy. I think I'd like to not pop my clone-murdering cherry today, thanks.
-long sigh- I SHALL RECOMMENCE MURDERING YOU THEN.
Wait! I've got another idea. Clone, what hold does Wizard Eric have over you?
Are you bound to him in any way? Why are you so intent on doing his bidding?
HE'S ... LETTING ME STAY ON HIS COUCH.
Is it a nice couch?
IT IS NOT. I SUSPECT WIZARD ERIC IS A BIT OF A LOSER.
So you're just doing this because you need a place to stay?
YOUR WORLD IS CONFUSING TO ME AND YOUR ECONOMY IS STILL UNFAVORABLE.
Well, there's our murder-free solution. Original Recipe: What's your situation? Do you have any extra room at your place?
Is that me? Am I Original Recipe now?
In this plane, yes.
I AM EXTRA CRISPY IN THIS PLANE, HA HA HA HA HA HA.
I do have extra room. But I don't want to live with a clone.
I think you do. I think this is going to cut way down on the number of chores you have to do.
My wife ...
Will have to be talked into it, yes. But I think that can be done.
"You know how your father says I'm half the man he always envisioned would marry you? Well, I've come up with a solution, which at least mathematically ..."
And if you need any help with convincing her, you can always ask me.
Yeah, we're not going to do that.
I COULD HELP PLEASURE HER.
Yeah, you're not going to do that.
You'd also only have to go to work half the time.
Yeah, we should definitely go ahead and do this.
AND WHEN YOU'RE AT WORK I WILL BE PLEASURING YOUR WIFE.
Easy. Just play it cool, clone.
EXTRA CRISPY STYLE.
You might have to lock the clone in the basement for awhile first, until he becomes a little more socially well-adjusted.
Yeah, I've heard that locking people in basements helps with that.
-the sound of a car approaching. A door opens-
Who is it?
How's she handling things?
She's a little rattled.
MY LOVE. MY HEART. WE HAVE ARRANGED FOR ME TO GIVE YOU CRISPY LOVE.
A little more rattled now?
A little more rattled now, yeah.
Congratulations on completing this guide! You are now no longer being murdered by your clone! Should you desire any further advice, please consult our guide, "So Your Wife Is Leaving You Because of the Things Your Clone Did and Said."
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and your best friend. Join him on Facebook or Twitter and he will give you personal advice on how to run and, in all probability, ruin your life.
For more from Bucholz, check out How to Form Your Own Cult in 5 Easy Steps and How to Accidentally Throw a Furry Orgy Using Craigslist.
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