Where am I?
That's hard to say specifically, and in any event, the answer is changing quite rapidly with every passing second. More generally, you are in the interior of an alien spacecraft.
While your body was recovering from the less-pleasant side effects of a 15-can dose of Natural Ice, visitors from another planet scooped up your gross, beer-sweaty body and took it onboard their interstellar spacecraft.
I feel awful.
That's good, because awful, awful things have happened to you. Amongst them, the self-administered 15-can dose of Natural Ice was probably the most medically traumatic, but it did have the happy side effect of deadening the sensations of the far more emotionally-traumatic things that would later happen to your orifices.
When 15 cans of Natural Ice isn't the worst thing to happen to you that day, you know it was a bad day.
They probed my ass? That's horrible.
It is a bit of a cliche, yes. Fortunately, they did not probe your ass. No, first one, and then another alien placed his penis in your ear, each keeping it there for a brief spell.
AGGHGHR. Gross! Why?
Judging by their lack of a rigorous experimental method and celebratory high fives, these aliens do not appear to be scientists, at least in the traditional sense of the word. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say that the purpose of their expedition is similar to that of an Earth-teenager going out cow-tipping.
What are they going to do with me?
If you're lucky? Tip you over.
And if I'm not?
Tip you over into space.
How do I get out of here?
First thing's first: Take your pants off. If I know anything about teenagers, they're going to feel really uncomfortable at the sight of a fully-grown man in the prime of adulthood charging at them. That may buy you valuable time at a critical moment.
OK, I've done that. Now what?
I can't believe you actually took your pants off. That's just... wow.
You told me to! For some pretty unlikely reasons I now realize.
Yeah, no kidding. I was kidding, dude. I mean, come on man, I could get in trouble for this. They're going to say I was abusing my powers as a survival guide.
Look, let's just pretend it didn't happen, and never talk about this again.
Deal. Anyways, I think you should put your pants back on, and never take them off again. I mean, it's not even cold in here.
I was drinking!
I thought we agreed to never talk about this?
But you just said... holy shit! Who are those guys?
Those are the aliens! Quickly! Punch them!
But my pants!
Do it now!
OK, I punched one of them, and he fell down bleeding. But the other one ran away, and I can't chase him with my pants like this.
Hop after him!
But this is really slow! I think I should stop and pull my pants up.
You've lost your chance for that! Your only hope is to catch him and punch him before he shoots you with a technology-laser.
OK, I caught up to the alien and punched him. He's now unconscious. That was suspiciously easy.
Well yeah. These guys were the human equivalent of about 14-years old.
You just instructed me to nakedly assault two juvenile aliens?
It's a good thing there were no reporters from Dateline here.
Oh man. I want to go home.
Right. So let's get you back there post haste.
OK. My pants are up now incidentally. I'm also going to disregard any future advice you have to offer about articles of clothing.
I would advise you to do the same.
Now wh- don't fuck with me. Now what do I do?
Down this hall should be the control room. Head that way.
OK, I've found it.
Then fly this ship back to Earth!
I... you're going to have to help me out a little more.
OK, let's think this through. The aliens are bipedal, and have two arms with hands and some fingers, and two eyes and one penis. So they'll probably operate the ship using their... teeth.
No. With their hands. It's obviously with their hands. I've found the main control panel.
Is there a button with a picture of Earth?
I was worried about that. OK. Look for something which could be a throttle.
There's a kind of slider thing here that looks promising.
OK, let's throw this thing into reverse.
You're going to throw this thing into reverse, and we'll just back up into Earth.
That's insane. Spaceships don't travel in straight lines. They travel in big curving arcs that take like a room full of nerds to calculate.
Oh that's right. Incidentally, I forgot to check what was in your inventory. Do you have a room full of nerds?
Then maybe you should kindly shut the fuck up? By going into reverse, at least you won't be traveling away from Earth any more. That's surely a good thing.
Oh, what the hell. OK, here goes. OWWWW.
We went into reverse and I banged my head on the control panel.
You should have braced yourself first.
That would have been real handy advice if delivered beforehand.
I'll make sure to remember to make a note of that for the second edition of the guide. What's happening now?
One of the view screens just changed. It's showing a planet! It's Earth!
Is it getting bigger?
Who's the genius with the answers?
Yeah I am! OK then, buddy, just sit tight. Man I am feeling really psyched - these survival guides usually never work out.
The Earth's getting really big now. I guess I should slow down.
Look at you, giving yourself advice like a fucking boss! I am so proud right now.
Uh. The controls don't seem to be working.
Try them again.
Yeah, I did. They're definitely not working.
Try them again.
Thank you HP Customer Support, but that still isn't working.
You know what it might be? You might have activated the control lockout when you smacked your head on the panel.
Well what do I do now?
You really should have braced yourself.
I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE BRACED MYSELF THEN, BUT SOMEONE DIDN'T TELL ME IN TIME. WHAT DO I DO NOW?
THE EARTH IS NOW FILLING THE SCREEN. I WILL BE DEAD IN SECONDS. HURRY.
What's your trouser situation again?
PRESENT AND DONNED.
Hmm. OK. You should probably brace yourself.
How you doing?
Ugh. What happened?
Your vessel slammed into a TJ Maxx traveling at about 300 miles-per-hour.
Evidently the ship has some kind of anti-suicide drive which caused it to slow down just enough to avoid a major catastrophe, and inertial dampers which prevented your sudden flight across the room from killing you.
So I'm alive? I made it?
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Whose job is it to solve crimes?
There is much to show you.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
If there's any institution that doesn't want us to know how much it messes up, it's the military.
The most unrealistic thing about fictional villains is that they don't get arrested until the plot calls for it.