Oh no. It's highly unlikely the Lizardfolk even exist, and if they do, claims that they secretly run the government are certainly exaggerated. You should be fine.
No, I meant that I'm screwed because I've missed work again.
Oh that. Yes, but also not entirely. We should be able to get you back in to work with a minimum of damage. Compared to some of our
I'm pretty sure my boss will notice if I just walk in there three hours late.
He will. Which is why you're not going to walk anywhere. You're going to crawl into the building, keeping low to the ground to avoid being seen. Camouflage will also help. Do you have a suit covered in swatches of carpet?
You really should.
Forget it. In that case, just get dressed in regular work clothes, biased toward anything which is the same color as the carpet in your office.
OK, I'm outside the building with kind of a blueish-gray, pilled up sweater.
That's awful and fantastic. Now crawl on in there. Let me know how you're doing.
Ow. It's a real long way and now my knees hurt.
Well suck it up. Did I tell you this would be easy?
That was from my perspective. Giving you advice was going to be easy. Good God you're self-involved.
Isn't this guide supposed to be about my problems, not yours?
Due to the subservient nature of our relationship, my problems will rapidly become your problems, so you should be more mindful of them. Now then: Are you at your office yet?
Your office. When you get to your office, slowly close the door, then get to work as if nothing happened.
I don't have an office.
Is it like a cubicle?
No, it's kind of an open-plan office.
So what? You're just crawling on the floor beside your desk? With like a dozen people staring at you?
Hello? You still there?
Still here. Just thinking. Hooooooooooooooo.
Too late for that now. You crawled in to the office like a dog. Someone's going to say something.
Dogs don't crawl.
Like a baby then. Or a baby dog. Like a puppy.
Puppies also don't crawl.
Puppies are, in every measurable way, better than human babies.
Wow, check out the motor-genius. And yet you don't know how calendars work? Who's the advice column here?