What is it?
The walls of my house are bleeding.
Did you hurt it?
How could I hurt it?
Did you tell them you wanted to see other walls? Were you reckless with their feelings?
Clumsy home repairs, I'm thinking. Clumsy furniture moving. Clumsy karate practice.
I was trying to hang a picture, but that shouldn't cause bleeding walls.
If you pierced your blood tank or one of your blood lines, it could have.
I don't have a blood tank.
Heh. Where do you keep your blood then, smart guy?
I don't keep blood anywhere.
Well where's the blood coming from then?
Now you see the problem.
OK, well maybe it was the previous owner. They may have been a witch or a horrific killer. Do neighborhood teens whisper of your house? Were there piles of bones littering the floors when you moved in? Is the title written on a piece of human skin?
Or branded, I guess?
No. It was just a regular piece of paper.
A regular piece of paper that never stops screaming?
No, just basic paper.
OK. Is there any chance this place is owned by a failed businessman trying to scare you away?
I haven't seen any failed businessmen around the house lately.
They're often hiding. Let's test. Shout, "I know you can hear me, Dr. Mesuvial!"
OK. Now shout, "I know you can hear me, Duke Mesuvial!"
How many possible permutations of titles and archaic surnames do you have?
Uh ... about 32 million.
Wait. I forgot viscounts. 32.1 million then.
I'm not going to keep doing that.
OK. Well, if you haven't installed a blood tank, and there's no one trying to conceal a carnival/smuggling operation here, then I'm stumped. Do you have a screwdriver?
Good. Using the screwdriver, pierce the wall. Then, using a small saw or knife, carefully cut a larger hole until you can see what's back there. Basically, you're trying to take down the drywall without messing up any wires or pipes or Eldritch runes.
-much sawing and cursing later-
What'd you find?
There's another wall back there.
Hmmm. Like a mysterious stone wall covered in sinister script?
Just another regular drywall wall.
Hmm. OK, knock that one down.
-much sawing and cursing later-
There's another one.
And you're confident you haven't, like, crossed three rooms and broken into the neighbor's house?
Matej Vuga/iStock/Getty Images
"Sorry, Dan. Yeah, I was listening to the voice in my head again. He says hi."
OK, cool. So what we've got here is a pan-dimensional terror-bungalow.
It's more of a split-level.
But "terror" seems to be appropriate, yes?
I'd say so.
OK, well that at least simplifies matters. Your house is legitimately haunted.
What do I do?
You could try collecting the blood. A series of troughs and your own actual blood tank would do it.
Why on Earth would I want to do that?
You have an unlimited supply of blood. Blood banks desperately need that stuff.
Won't they ask some pretty hard questions when I just show up with a bunch of it?
"What are you doing? What kind of monster are you? What kind of God would allow you to exist?"
There is admittedly a chance you'll be arrested for horrific crimes. Is that a problem?
That's OK. There's still probably a market for this stuff. One with less onerous documentation requirements. Do you know any covens?
What would a coven look like?
Teen girls in black clothes. They'd have a cauldron too, I think. I guess they'd carry it around with them.
I've not seen that.
They might have it, like, in the back of their Volkswagen Golf or something. See if you can hang around the parking lots of some local high schools, looking in girls' cars.
Again, that sounds like it might cause more problems than it solves.
You'd probably have to wear a mask when you do it.
Can I just maybe stop the walls from bleeding?
Oh! Oh! Is that what you were going for?
Yeah, I was thinking an exorcism or something.
Andy Crawford/Dorling Kindersley RF/SteveCollender/iStock/Getty Images
We could try. Do you know much about Catholicism?
Good, because neither do I. OK then, to start you're going to need a pope hat and a flamethrower.
I don't have either of those things.
A cross and a chaingun?
I've got a Brita.
I don't think that meets Catholic doctrine.
"And the priest shall kill two geese and offer them and with their proceeds buy a cartridge
for reducing lead that's as expensive as if wrought of precious metals ..."
OK, well, I dimly remember that The Exorcist involved a bunch of screaming. Try that.
Screaming? Should I scream anything in particular?
Like, "Knock it off, house! That is nasty!"
Knock it off, house! That is nasty!
Then wail, "You are the house equivalent of that kid from school who wiped boogers on people!"
Can't you just say that?
I'm not sure the house can hear me.
I CAN HEAR YOU.
Ask him if he's sure.
I CAN DEFINITELY HEAR YOU.
Holy shit! The walls are talking!
Angry Face Emoji, Angry Face Emoji, Thundercloud Emoji, Eggplant Emoji
So it would seem. All right, what's your problem, house? What inspires you to be so gross and disgusting?
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER ME, ADVICE-DEALER?
Uh. I help people. Sometimes animals. Often myself. But I don't recall helping a house before.
I WAS ONCE A MAN.
What's going on?
Nothing. It's nothing. Do you have any wallpaper? Really thick, noise-dampening wallpaper? That flamethrower would also come in handy now.
THIS ADVICE-MONSTER TRAPPED ME IN THE FORM OF A HOUSE.
Well I wouldn't say "trapped," really. "Bound," sure. "Contained" also works.
THOSE ALL MEAN THE SAME THING.
Yeah, "trapped" works too, the more that I think about it.
How'd you trap a guy in a house?
It was a misunderstanding.
HE LURED ME INTO A CONSTRUCTION SITE TO BATTLE A SORCERER.
Ysbrand Cosijn/iStock/Getty Images
In my defense, I was pretty sure the sorcerer was faking.
You didn't have the mirrored shield I told you to bring.
WHO HAS ONE OF THOSE.
Was that this place? I thought it looked familiar. I love what you've done with it.
IT IS NOT TO MY TASTE. THIS ONE HAS NO SENSE OF COLOR OR USE OF SPACE. BUT I HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER, FOR I AM AN INANIMATE BEING OF HATE.
The home inspector didn't say anything about this at all.
They really don't have the right tools.
So, house, you got bad advice from this guy before too? You weren't bleeding from the walls to hurt me at all! You were trying to warn me!
I WAS ALSO TRYING TO HURT YOU A BIT.
YOUR CLUMSY SCREWING AND NAILING.
Well, I'm glad that's straightened out. House, can you please not bleed on this guy's stuff anymore?
FUCK YOU, ADVICE-DEALER.
Fair enough. Advice-seeker, can you maybe move your stuff away from the walls? Set everything up on milk crates, or something?
That doesn't really feel like a solution.
AND IT WILL BE OF NO USE. I WILL BLEED FROM THE CEILING. I HATE YOU AND ALL YOUR THINGS.
I feel like this situation has gotten worse.
Congratulations! Your house is no longer bleeding from the walls! Should you require any further assistance, please consult our guide, So Your Possessed Home Has Strong Opinions About Your Home Improvement And Lovemaking Skills.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and would like to thank reader Andrew B for this idea, presumably based on a real-life event. Bucholz's first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out 5 Hilarious Ways People Were Caught Hiding In Stores and The 5 Least Flattering Ways People Brag.
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