Can't you just say that?
I'm not sure the house can hear me.
I CAN HEAR YOU.
Ask him if he's sure.
I CAN DEFINITELY HEAR YOU.
Holy shit! The walls are talking!
Angry Face Emoji, Angry Face Emoji, Thundercloud Emoji, Eggplant Emoji
So it would seem. All right, what's your problem, house? What inspires you to be so gross and disgusting?
DO YOU NOT REMEMBER ME, ADVICE-DEALER?
Uh. I help people. Sometimes animals. Often myself. But I don't recall helping a house before.
I WAS ONCE A MAN.
What's going on?
Nothing. It's nothing. Do you have any wallpaper? Really thick, noise-dampening wallpaper? That flamethrower would also come in handy now.
THIS ADVICE-MONSTER TRAPPED ME IN THE FORM OF A HOUSE.
Well I wouldn't say "trapped," really. "Bound," sure. "Contained" also works.
THOSE ALL MEAN THE SAME THING.
Yeah, "trapped" works too, the more that I think about it.
How'd you trap a guy in a house?
It was a misunderstanding.
HE LURED ME INTO A CONSTRUCTION SITE TO BATTLE A SORCERER.
Ysbrand Cosijn/iStock/Getty Images
In my defense, I was pretty sure the sorcerer was faking.
You didn't have the mirrored shield I told you to bring.
WHO HAS ONE OF THOSE.
Was that this place? I thought it looked familiar. I love what you've done with it.
IT IS NOT TO MY TASTE. THIS ONE HAS NO SENSE OF COLOR OR USE OF SPACE. BUT I HAVE NO SAY IN THE MATTER, FOR I AM AN INANIMATE BEING OF HATE.
The home inspector didn't say anything about this at all.
They really don't have the right tools.
So, house, you got bad advice from this guy before too? You weren't bleeding from the walls to hurt me at all! You were trying to warn me!
I WAS ALSO TRYING TO HURT YOU A BIT.
YOUR CLUMSY SCREWING AND NAILING.
Well, I'm glad that's straightened out. House, can you please not bleed on this guy's stuff anymore?
FUCK YOU, ADVICE-DEALER.
Fair enough. Advice-seeker, can you maybe move your stuff away from the walls? Set everything up on milk crates, or something?
That doesn't really feel like a solution.
AND IT WILL BE OF NO USE. I WILL BLEED FROM THE CEILING. I HATE YOU AND ALL YOUR THINGS.
I feel like this situation has gotten worse.
Congratulations! Your house is no longer bleeding from the walls! Should you require any further assistance, please consult our guide, So Your Possessed Home Has Strong Opinions About Your Home Improvement And Lovemaking Skills.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and would like to thank reader Andrew B for this idea, presumably based on a real-life event. Bucholz's first novel, Severance, is incredible and available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Apex Books. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
For more from Bucholz, check out 5 Hilarious Ways People Were Caught Hiding In Stores and The 5 Least Flattering Ways People Brag.
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