What is it?
The primitive tribe who I tricked into worshiping me as a God are starting to catch on.
Yeah, I've really outdone myself this time.
Normally it takes a bit of work to steer you into these little predicaments, but you've just dived in right at the deep end this time, hey?
Yeah, I got a little carried away.
I'll bet. Get them to feed you some grapes. Get some graven images done up.
Save on your Christmas shopping.
There was also the thing with the virgin.
I won't tell you.
Did you hear me asking? OK. So you've defiled their virgins and eaten all their grapes and now they want to kill you. Can I ask how the hell this all happened? Where do you even find a primitive tribe these days?
I was on the bus, coming home from work, and I fell asleep and missed my stop. Like, profoundly so.
So where are you now? You're in the jungle? Baby?
Scott Gries/Getty Images Entertainment
Do they have fun 'n' games?
It's more of a wooded area like way, way out past the suburbs' suburbs. They're less of a tribe and technically more of a "hill people," I guess.
And how did they start worshiping you as a god? Do you have a really sonorous voice or something? Or do you resemble a large, ugly rock that they hold in great esteem? Are you wearing Heelies?
I showed them my smartphone.
Ahh, of course. Advanced technology has been known to be the focus point of worship in less technologically developed peoples. And I can already guess at your problem.
You've been showing these idiots Netflix for four hours and now your battery's dead and you've become an impotent god.
F. Bucher via Wikimedia Commons
And thou shall not mocketh God when he has gone swimming.
The battery's not quite dead yet. I managed to put away the phone with 5 percent left.
But now that they've gotten a taste for Frasier, they're not going without it very well.
If you were to pick a verb, would you say a lot of things are being brandished right now?
Yes. That perfectly describes what's happening to a variety of pointy and blunty things right now. I'm actually not sure I want to be a god anymore.
Nut up, 3PO. If you want to get out of this alive, you're going to need to re-cement your godliness somehow.
What kind of godding methodology were you using?
You know. The specific manner in which you, as a god, will act and raise your believers. Like your personal god's own philosophy.
David Benbennick via Wikimedia Commons
Kind of a Mobius philosophy.
I didn't really have a plan for this.
You just saw they had some grapes and were like "Hey, send some of those God's way, buddy."
So you didn't decide whether to be a hands-off god, or an interfering, helicopter god? You haven't been steering your followers into becoming arch-communists, or getting them to seize the entire continent, or even just to get really into genital piercings?
Or give the continent a genital piercing.
I haven't done any of that.
You've just been eating their grapes and defiling their virgins.
Well, hang on ...
LOOK AT ME NOT ASKING YOU TO PROVIDE ANY DETAILS. THIS IS A FAMILY SITE, AND YES, THE FAMILIES THAT READ IT ARE PRETTY MESSED UP, BUT THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE FOR MAKING IT WORSE.
OK then. Let me see here -flips through several pages of advice manual- OK, we're going to set you up as a basic Class III Pervert God.
It's a technical term. It doesn't mean what you think.
Eventually you would have to watch a lot of their women go to the bathroom, but we're going to try to extract you before we get that far.
If we must.
And the first thing you need to do is impress them again. Something that preferably doesn't rely on batteries this time.
It has to be something that they've never seen before. A shining beacon of advanced civilization that will blind their primitive minds.
No. You're not ...
I am. Do you know how to twerk?
Neilson Barnard/Getty Images Entertainment
Miley Cyrus, here dressed as Prometheus, descending from the pantheon to present Man with the Gods' greatest gift.
Could you try?
I'm worried I'd look dumb.
Dumb's good! It will be confusing to them, which is a big part of faith. Gods always speak in metaphor. You want to encourage them to study your ass, divining deep within it to find clues of future crop failures or plagues or any number of grim portents.
Please don't make me dance.
Come on, man. If you don't believe in yourself, how are you going to get them to believe in Yourself?
Did you capitalize that?
Thank you. OK then, if you can't twerk, at least flash some gang signs at them or something.
I don't know any gang signs.
YOU DAMN IT.
What? Oh. Capitalized it again, right?
Like, profoundly so. You're just the shittiest god I've ever worked with, you know? Fine. Just do some shadow puppets.
I don't know how to do any shadow puppets.
WHAT THE FUCK, GOD? MOVE AROUND LIKE A BIRD AND SHAKE THE BIRD'S ASS LIKE IT JUST DON'T CARE.
-a time elapses-
They seem ... confused.
A lot of them are copying me. There's an awful lot of squatting at least. Is that it working?
They might be wanting you to watch their women go to the bathroom.
I still don't want to ... oh no! Greg's coming! He's telling them to seize me!
Him. And you are a ... him as well, right?
Yes, why? Oh ...
No no. It's cool. I mean ... it's not cool. Fraudulently claiming godhood to deflower virgins is never cool. That's something Cracked has always stood for.
But whether it's a guy or not doesn't change anything.
Would you relax a bit if I told you we didn't do anything?
Which is also kind of the problem.
You know, I'm going to chalk up "Did not consummate fraudulent homosexual relationship with unwilling simpleton" as actually good news.
No, I mean yes, they sent him in to have sex with me, but I kind of wasn't ready for that, and so I just played Candy Crush for awhile on my smartphone while he watched. And he was super into it.
Oh good. That's only, like, 15 percent creepy then. Yeah, young elbowy sorts love their technology.
That's the problem. I think he saw the battery warnings. He's the one who's been spreading doubt about me.
OK. So it's a basic Toto situation then.
What? Toto? What?
No, you italicized it. I meant the dog. Toto. From the Wizard of Oz? He's trying to pull back the curtain.
What does any of this have to do with stopping Greg?
What does any of this have to do with stopping Toto?
You italicized it again. Toto the dog.
WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
How do you distract a dog?
Throw a sausage link at him?
Right. Throw a sausage link at the teenage virgin.
Is this a sex thing again? Because I'm not doing that.
What do teenage virgins like?
Is this a trick? Is it Toto?
There are probably some virgins who are massive Toto fans, but this isn't a well-known trope, no.
Technology. Give him your phone.
But it won't work for much longer.
Tell him the power is within him if only he believes in it.
And when it stops working everyone will think it's his fault!
Precisely. Go on then.
-a time elapses-
It worked! They barely got past that stupid theme song ...
It's not stupid. It's another one of those metaphors we've been struggling with.
... when the phone conked out.
So your status as a god is confirmed.
Basically! And now they're ... going to sacrifice the virgin. Oh man. I feel awful.
Hmmm. I wonder if maybe there are some downsides to playing god?
It seems the kind of thing that would seem like common sense ...
... and yet it's not. Huh.
Are you done?
Are you? Are you really going to let that poor sexless kid die?
Oh man. This isn't going to turn into one of those morals things, is it?
It's looking like it might be. Go on then. Tell them that you're not a god. Tell them that you're just an idiot who likes grapes, and maybe wanted to see a few women go to the bathroom.
That's still not true, and I'm only saying it because I don't want the kid to die and oh shit they're into it.
They're going to the bathroom in front of you?
Congratulations on completing this advice guide! You're now no longer being worshiped as a god! Should you desire any further advice, please consult our guide, So a Primitive Tribe Has Adopted You as Their Pervert.
Special thanks to Official Bucholz Enthusiast Thor S. for the concept of this column, who, with a name like that, must find getting confused for a god to be a troublesomely common scenario.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.