Seanbaby
At Pandora Internet Radio, they have a system called the Music Genome Project. This is a robot that maps out the DNA of music, and then finds songs that have similar DNA for you to enjoy. If you didn't go to school, think of it like a matchmaker in a room full of cousins.
Most people use it so the robot will create a radio station based around their favorite song. Today, I'm using it to discover what happens if Phil Collins's song "Sussudio" was allowed to breed. I will tell the robot that I enjoy "Sussudio," which is already quite dangerous, then see what song it spits out to please me. I will then take
Explaining the Su-Su-Suck System
The Music Genome Project categorizes songs via hundreds of short text descriptions like "repetitive harmonies" or "going apes**t on a saxophone." It's like reading the phone book if everyone were named by jazzy Native Americans. That's why I've developed the Su-Su-Suck System to quickly and visually identify the lameness of a song. I'll explain from the top clockwise.
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Drive Time Zola's first pick was "Relax." Its robot brain thought the "groove based tonality" and "repetitive melodic phrasing" were a close match to Phil Collins's song about tongue abuse. I actually think it had more to do with the fact that "Relax" starts out with these exact lyrics:
Mahaha, hiya
Give it to me one time now
Yeah, whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Well, now;
Next to "Sussudio," it sounded like two babies were fighting over the judges' decision in a suck contest. It lowered the property value of my ears so much that now I can't hear lobster.
For my sanity, and my safety, I pressed pause before the part of the song where Frankie Goes to Hollywood screams, "Hit me hit me hit me hit me with your laser beam! Laser beam me!" I was working with a robot intelligence that takes that kind of command seriously, and the last thing I needed was a phaser fight in my computer while all these h**osexual sonic waves were holding a protest march. Because phonically, that's the only way to describe what was happening.
I told Drive Time Zola to erase his memory banks and then create a station based around my favorite song, "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. He sent an electronic signal telling every appliance in my home to laugh at me before he obeyed.
I think there must have been some "Sussudio" left in Drive Time Zola's short-term memory, because he picked a song whose main lyric is "OwowowowowowawowowowoWOWO."
According to Pandora, "Tarzan Boy" features "a vocal-centric aesthetic" that makes it a close match to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. I also found that both songs can be used to pump up the crowd at a balls touchin' rally. It's too early to say for sure at just the second degree of "Sussudio," but it seems like going back in time to invent Phil Collins at the dawn of music would be a good way to destroy all happiness as we know it.
I ordered Drive Time Zola to wipe his memory clean and create a radio station built around my favorite song, "Tarzan Boy." He asked me 243 times if I was sure before complying.
Wait, one of Michael's best songs is only three degrees of separation from "Sussudio"? That's probably what killed him. Speaking as a Michael Jackson fan, that's like recognizing your parents' voices on the other side of a glory hole. This is the worst news I've received since I learned what a vaginal suppository was from my box of jellybeans.
I think my simple human brain might have spotted how this complicated song DNA-mapping used by the Music Genome Project works. We've gone from "Su-Su-Sudio" to "Mahaha, hiya" to "OwowowowowowawowowowoWOWO" to
by Missing Persons
No bulls**t, this musical AI went straight from Michael Jackson to some song called "I Like Boys." Hey, robot, that's f**ked up. He's barely been in the ground a month! Plus, nice joke. Did your sense of humor chip come out of a Spuds Mackenzie calculator watch?
I told Drive Time Zola to start a radio station based on "I Like Boys," some nonsense song that sounds like Molly Shannon being kidnapped and still trying to perform a Dog Show skit. He complimented me on my explaining ability and proceeded.
Pandora describes this song as having "danceable grooves" and "repetitive melodic phrasing." I describe it as what happens when Wally Cleaver f**ks a trumpet and teaches their kid to honk.
Let this be a lesson to future generations: don't tell artificial intelligences living inside your radio that you like songs about liking boys. Even if you do. To a robot, that's like saying "Search parameter: butthole, subroutine: put it in my mouth and ears."
Drive Time Zola seemed happy when I pushed stop and reset his memory banks. Then I told him to make a radio station based on my favorite song and that it was "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. Drive Time Zola knows now why I cry, but it's something he can never do.
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