After this Sunday, there will be a giant, sprawling, confusing, beardy, plot-hole-ridden gap in the hearts of millions of Americans (as well as ABC's programming schedule). Yes, in just a few days, Lost will be ending its six-year run and the world will need a new show to inspire them/force them to incoherently type/fart pseudo-philosophy in Internet message boards. Because I am all about capitalizing on s**t, and because my time is utterly worthless, I decided to mock up a few ideas for shows to replace Lost (guided by the simple principle that people like weird mysteries, Lost and absolutely nothing else), and sent them over to ABC's top executives. They were... less than pleased. Tagline: In space, no one can hear Kate's bullshit. Studio Notes: Why would a bomb need a timer and a fuse? (Also, no.) Tagline: This time, it's babies. Studio Notes: It's been done. Tagline: Their only real crime was stealing a ship... a friendship. Studio Notes: And rape, right? You've made it clear that they're also rapists? We're going to pass on this one. Tagline: And maybe there's a whale on the island and he talks, but not with his mouth, and he only says racist things, but they're all dolphin slurs so I think we can still get away with it. And there's a clown that shows up if a character doesn't believe in him. So what about that? And sometimes, you know, just math happens. Just straight up math. Studio Notes: Sort of sounds too much like Fringe. (Love the concept, though.) Tagline: Putting the "Ass" in "Passsst." It's like a history lesson you can never tell your parents about. They won't Pede-rest until the Pede-job is done! Studio Notes: No, stop saying new taglines. We can't go with this one because it reminds us too much of our nightmares. Tagline: f*****g dinosaurs. Studio Notes: No, Jesus, why the hell would you pitch a show with a built in six-day time limit? Tagline: OhMyGod, monsters, what? Holy s**t, crazy island, goatees, it's different now, oh no, WeGottaGoBack. Studio Notes: We're actually going to give this one a maybe. Tagline:COME ON! Studio Notes: N- [And then I strangled them to death because 'Yes' doesn't start with an 'N.' -DOB]
No, YOU'RE crying.