Seems We-Vibe, with their advanced connectivity, was just warehousing data about your doodle bopping. Which is to say every time you logged in, they went Spy Game on your ass, potentially literally. How long you used the vibrator for, the time of day, the intensity of the setting, even the temperature. If you used this, some French-Canadian tech guy may know how muggy things are down south in your Panama Canal.

Naturally, this also means they know your email address, your IP address, and your location, so it was as close to being a Peeping Tom as a company could get without having a greasy face pressed to your window. You would think a company that had devoted time and effort to helping people delve their own hidden depths would be more sensitive to issues of privacy, but then again, a lot of shit makes no sense these days. If you provide someone with a tool to perform a task, does it give you the right to know how it's used? When? In what orifice?

The company's defense to this is that the info isn't being shared anywhere, it's just being used to help them develop better products for the future, which makes sense. If you like to noodle your strudel every day after Judge Judy, that is super relevant to R&D as they work on their SuperVibe Post Judge Judy Ass Blaster 3000.

Tokyo may be the worst city in the world when it comes to sexual harassment and transit. It's so bad that there are women-only subway cars and they have signs on walls telling you not to do it. A sign telling you not to use a certain door makes sense, because doors generally lead us from one place to another. It's not intuitive that maybe a door is not usable. A sign telling you not to grab another human's ass in public means your trolley isn't pulling all the way into the station.

Part of the problem in Japan is that it's viewed as hubris to complain about sexual harassment. If you tell someone you were groped, that means you're bragging about how grope-worthy you are, because what the fuck? Also, police will apparently try to talk those who do come forward out of it, because a false claim could be damaging for both parties. Again, because what the fuck? But this is where grope insurance comes in:

It's not for the women.

For $57, you can get False Groper Accusation Insurance from the extremely creatively named Small Amount and Short Term Insurance company. It will cover your legal costs if you're falsely accused of the crime, and interest has spiked greatly after one man managed to have his conviction overturned.

Inherently there's nothing wrong with the idea of being insured against a false allegation. How would you like it if one day someone came at you with an accusation you'd been fucking bumbleberry pies at the back of a Whole Foods? That can be jarring, especially when you only fuck pumpkin pies. But if you have to keep the pies in a special location so that no one tries to fuck those pies, maybe the problem isn't that there's a lot of non-pie-fuckers getting trapped by heinous lies. Maybe the problem is that we don't focus enough on just letting the pies be.

Far be it from me to condemn anyone for looking at porn. I look at porn. I'm dictating this article while I look at porn. I have to go back when it's done and delete all the times it picked up the audio and tossed "Unnnngh, yeah, just like that!" into a sentence. But my porn is first and foremost free because no one pays me porn money. And second, I can't justify wanking on someone else's dime. I mean, I guess literally if you gave me some dimes and it was your thing, and I liked you, then we could work something out. But you get the idea.

Petersen got found out when he made a little tax whoops by not accounting for $143,000 that he'd diverted from the charity. One can only imagine how the man got any work done at all spending that kind of money on polishing his bedknobs and broomstick.

For kicks, let's just play a game of hypotheticals and say he was paying for escorts ... and let's say an escort in Iowa, where Petersen was from, is going to charge him $400 for an hour. That's 1,187 hours or three times a day for over a year. That's so much charity boning that for the first time ever, I'm going to classify it as "too much." I don't mean to be a contrarian, nor do I wish to fill this column with a lot of hot takes, but I will say this: Without a shadow of a doubt, that is too much charity boning.

I'm not skilled enough in altruistic sex math to know how much charity boning is the right amount of charity boning but I will say that, if I were not a charitable boner but just a guy giving to charity, I would like almost none of my donation going to the head of the charity's fund for getting his dick wet.

Of course, realistically, the freebie list is just a little bit of playful fantasy. I'm never actually going to meet Nicki Minaj and if I did, she would clearly never have tacos and go down a waterslide with me. I know this because I ask her on Twitter all the time. And that's just for tacos and waterslides. Yes, wooing a celebrity is best left as a pleasant delusion. Unless you're a millionaire with a soul made from moldy old Playboys and lofty expectations!

A fellow who goes by the name of Xu Yu filed a lawsuit against an Aussie escort agency after dropping $2.8 million on the promise that they'd hook him up with Megan Fox, model Candice Swanepoel, and Chinese actress Angelababy. Naturally, not one of those women showed up because, well, they're not escorts in the slightest. And your first instinct might be to shit on Mr. Yu here, but back that train up. Yu didn't necessarily do anything wrong. If prostitution is legal in Australia, and the agency advertised these women as being employees, then Yu was technically just expecting a company to provide the services that they agreed to offer. No problem there. The agency, on the other hands, are shitty scum turd blossoms for exploiting people not in their employ for fraudulent means. Arguably.

Not everyone agrees with prostitution and that's fine. Not everyone agrees the Earth is round. But, and to be clear, we're only talking about the sex trade wherein a man or a woman has chosen to engage in that act of their own free will. They aren't being victimized, trafficked, or pressured due to addiction or fear or anything else. If it's a legit employment choice, then who the fuck is anyone to shit all over that? The morality argument is more played out than Monopoly; it's just bug-up-the-assery. But that's when it's legit.

Pretending to represent people you don't represent for a sexual engagement is kind of like a restaurant showing you a big, juicy burger in the commercial and then, when you get there, they punch you in the mouth as you eat a handful of Slim Jim shavings. It's not only not what you paid for, it's them fucking you over with something they never had in the first place. And that's shitty and exploitative of not just the would-be buyer but the fake employees as well.

I dunno, man ... at first, after reading all of these stories, I was of the opinion that we should start teaching sex ethics in grade school. Now, I think we should just make sex illegal.

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For more check out 12 Fetishes That Will Brighten Your Day and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.

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