GLADSTONE Is it breasts?
INTERVIEWER Excuse me?
GLADSTONE The text. Is it breasts? I bet it’s breasts, isn’t it?
Interviewer looks at cell phone.
INTERVIEWER Well, it’s an open paren, period, closed paren, and then the series of symbols is repeated again. Oh hey! I guess that does look like breasts. Neat… But how did you know that?
GLADSTONE Perhaps, I could answer you best in this way….
Gladstone pushes a few buttons on his cell phone. Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates.
INTERVIEWER Why did you just forward me a picture of a dude in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….
GLADSTONE (coyly) I don’t know. Is it me? It could be….
INTERVIEWER You realize I’m not gay, right? And even if I were, what you’re doing is wildly inappropriate.
GLADSTONE Sir, I assure you. I’m not gay either. But that’s how serious I am about working here at Union Carbide.
INTERVIEWER So serious that you’d pretend to be gay to straight man in a way that is unacceptable regardless of sexual orientation?
GLADSTONE That’s one way to say it. Here’s another.
Gladstone sexts furiously on his cell. Interviewer’s phone vibrates again.
INTERVIEWER (reading) U R Hawt? What does that even mean?
GLADSTONE It’s text-speak or sext-speak. All the kids are doing it, old timer! So do I get the job?
INTERVIEWER Mr. Gladstone, I want you to listen closely. I’m going to do two things: First I’m going to drop my phone into the vat of hydrochloric acid we keep in Sector C. And then, I’m going to call security.
GLADSTONE Security? I would think my job orientation would start with Human Resources?
INTERVIEWER I didn’t offer you the job.
GLADSTONE OK. Not yet. But call me. I know you have the number. . .
Gladstone texts. Interviewer’s phone buzzes.
INTERVIEWER (reading text) A semi colon followed by a closed parenthetical? You’re standing right there. Why didn’t you just wink at me for real?!