GLADSTONE Is it breasts?
INTERVIEWER Excuse me?
GLADSTONE The text. Is it breasts? I bet itâs breasts, isnât it?
Interviewer looks at cell phone.
INTERVIEWER Well, itâs an open paren, period, closed paren, and then the series of symbols is repeated again. Oh hey! I guess that does look like breasts. Neatâ¦Â But how did you know that?
GLADSTONE Perhaps, I could answer you best in this wayâ¦.
Gladstone pushes a few buttons on his cell phone. Interviewerâs cell phone vibrates.
INTERVIEWER Why did you just forward me a picture of a dude in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxingâ¦.
GLADSTONE (coyly) I donât know. Is it me? It could beâ¦.
INTERVIEWER You realize Iâm not gay, right? And even if I were, what youâre doing is wildly inappropriate.
GLADSTONE Sir, I assure you. Iâm not gay either. But thatâs how serious I am about working here at Union Carbide.
INTERVIEWER So serious that youâd pretend to be gay to straight man in a way that is unacceptable regardless of sexual orientation?
GLADSTONE Thatâs one way to say it. Hereâs another.
Gladstone sexts furiously on his cell. Interviewerâs phone vibrates again.
INTERVIEWER (reading) U R Hawt? What does that even mean?
GLADSTONE Itâs text-speak or sext-speak. All the kids are doing it, old timer! So do I get the job?
INTERVIEWER Mr. Gladstone, I want you to listen closely. Iâm going to do two things: First Iâm going to drop my phone into the vat of hydrochloric acid we keep in Sector C. And then, Iâm going to call security.
GLADSTONE Security? I would think my job orientation would start with Human Resources?
INTERVIEWER I didnât offer you the job.
GLADSTONE OK. Not yet. But call me. I know you have the number. . .
Gladstone texts. Interviewerâs phone buzzes.
INTERVIEWER (reading text) A semi colon followed by a closed parenthetical? Youâre standing right there. Why didnât you just wink at me for real?!