Hi! This is Dan The Intern again, here to let you know that I'm not going to survive the zombie apocalypse.
OK. Nice to meet you, man; I'm gonna get back to this other article about-
Not because I can't (although for the record, I can't, unless the remaining survivors will allow me to barter snuggling for safety) but because I don't want to. You see, I got a sneak peek at the full run of Cracked's new series The Stumbling Dead.
If the zombie bite doesn't kill you, then the way those eyes pierce your heart will.
What's The Stumbling Dead?
I can't tell you too much about it (partly because I had to sneak into the sneak-peek screening, and so I viewed it from behind a ficus), but I can say it's a zombie story from the zombies' point of view. And the zombies are happy. It turns out zombiism brings out any Animate-American's instinct for friendship. So while a small handful of us will survive a zombie apocalypse, most of us will be infected and zombified and love it.
Wait, what? You want to be a zombie?
Zombies are free-spirited. They're fun. They hang out, joke around, and pull each other's legs, sometimes pulling them off entirely. Zombies live in the moment. They shop at Wegmans, and they enjoy letting their skin sag to the ground on hot summer days. Chillin' with zombies is like chillin' in an episode of Girls, except everyone's a Marnie and there's less of an impulse for blood-curdling murder. Yes, a thousand times of lifeless eternity yes, I want to hang with these zombies.
OK, zombies are fun. Good to know.
And I know I want that friendly feeling in my own real life. I don't want the living or the dead to pass on friendship with me, like that time in middle school when no one asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, except worse, because you can't take your mom to the zombie apocalypse. God, I hope the zombies choose me.
Are you sure there is going to even be a zombie apocalypse?
Whoops! Guess I started thinking one was happening. That's how immersed I was in The Stumbling Dead, which is coming to Cracked Monday, Oct. 26!
Hey, friends! You wanna hit up the mall later?