Hi! This is Dan The Intern again, here to let you know that I'm not going to survive the zombie apocalypse.
OK. Nice to meet you, man; I'm gonna get back to this other article about-
Not because I can't (although for the record, I can't, unless the remaining survivors will allow me to barter snuggling for safety) but because I don't want to. You see, I got a sneak peek at the full run of Cracked's new series The Stumbling Dead.
If the zombie bite doesn't kill you, then the way those eyes pierce your heart will.
What's The Stumbling Dead?
I can't tell you too much about it (partly because I had to sneak into the sneak-peek screening, and so I viewed it from behind a ficus), but I can say it's a zombie story from the zombies' point of view. And the zombies are happy. It turns out zombiism brings out any Animate-American's instinct for friendship. So while a small handful of us will survive a zombie apocalypse, most of us will be infected and zombified and love it.
Wait, what? You want to be a zombie?
Zombies are free-spirited. They're fun. They hang out, joke around, and pull each other's legs, sometimes pulling them off entirely. Zombies live in the moment. They shop at Wegmans, and they enjoy letting their skin sag to the ground on hot summer days. Chillin' with zombies is like chillin' in an episode of Girls, except everyone's a Marnie and there's less of an impulse for blood-curdling murder. Yes, a thousand times of lifeless eternity yes, I want to hang with these zombies.
OK, zombies are fun. Good to know.
And I know I want that friendly feeling in my own real life. I don't want the living or the dead to pass on friendship with me, like that time in middle school when no one asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, except worse, because you can't take your mom to the zombie apocalypse. God, I hope the zombies choose me.
Are you sure there is going to even be a zombie apocalypse?
Whoops! Guess I started thinking one was happening. That's how immersed I was in The Stumbling Dead, which is coming to Cracked Monday, Oct. 26!
Hey, friends! You wanna hit up the mall later?
Yep, new show. With zombies who are friends. Got it.
And if you want zombie-level friendship in your life, hit up the Cracked Dispensary and get some zombie T-shirts. They'll serve as great conversation pieces, and because a byproduct of getting zombified is wearing the same outfit for all eternity, if you get bitten by the shambling horde you'll be clad in a fun American Apparel tee as you (un)live the rest of your days. I'm doing it myself, and I can just imagine the zombiist joy ...
For instance, zombies are shy by nature. You can tell they are mostly introverts by their hunched posture and reluctance to attend social mixers. That's why this shirt is the perfect way to get the conversation going. A courageous zombie will see this shirt and, hoping to test the waters, will eloquate, "Uuuhhhhh brainssss." That's when I'll sass back, "Innnn uuuuhhhh compuuuuteeer." Oh, the laughs we will have.
And then they bite you?
Thirsty much? This is a slow play. I have to wine them and dine them first.
There's sure to be a local spot the zombies will take me. Some type of diner for us to hang out at and discuss our favorite bands. Maybe recite a prayer to the spirit of the damned.
Ah, so these are magic zombies, reanimated by a necromancer or through a curse or something. Night Of The Living Dead-style.
They could be. I'm trying to keep my options open. They might also be disease zombies like in H1Z1, or they could be bi-curious. I'm not one to judge. All I know is I want to be a part of it.
OK, so then what happens?
If I've gotten this far, then I'm pretty much in, but i don't want to get cocky. This shirt plays hard to get by saying, "Hey, I like you, but I keep my friends a katana length away." However, it is important not to come off too cold or I'll hurt the zombies' feelings. (Zombies wear their hearts on their sleeves and some bits on their shoes too.) It's critical to maintain trust through physical contact. Some pats on the back, a light squeeze of the arm, a playful gnawing on the exposed portion of the skull. If things keep going strong we'll move on to recreational activity.
We can go to a rave.
Or spend the night staring at the stars.
Our options are limitless. And from there it's only a matter of time before they choose me and I'm the coolest zombie around. Take that Sadie Hawkins!
Congrats, I guess. Hey, so are those T-shirts for sale, or ...
Yeah, for sure. Go to the Cracked Dispensary and use code SPOOKY2015 for 10 percent off and free shipping on all shirts, zombie and otherwise!
As for me, I'm riding with the greatest group of friends anyone could ask for.
Hey, guys, wait up!
Meanwhile, you can check out The Stumbling Dead trailer! Peace out, you walking sacks of meat!
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.