It's nearing the end of the year, which means your life is about to switch from "wake up, work, go to sleep" to "wake up, party, party, party, sleep just kidding here comes another party." And pretty soon, you'll be running out of clothes that don't reek of alcohol, shame, and confetti.
Help, Cracked! I'm too drunk to do laundry!
Never fear! The Cracked Dispensary is here with T-shirts perfect for your end-of-the-year bonanza. Plus, we'll give you free shipping for all items through Monday. Rock these shirts and party like it's the end of the world. And considering all that's happened in 2016, it just might be.
Every party is an opportunity to find that special someone with whom you can sit on the deck and watch the stars. And if those stars happen to be careening past at the speed of light while we outrun a closing Borg ship bent on our assimilation, then it's nice to at least have a hand to hold. Wear this shirt and let everyone know that, while not all species mate for life, you're at least going to stick around enough to party long and prosper.
If you're ever feeling sorry for yourself about a particularly bad hangover, just imagine how Han Solo felt after being released from a goddamn carbonite block. Yes, puking up a gallon's worth of half-digested eggnog sucks, but it can't be any loopier than falling blind onto the floor of Jabba's palace. And if Han Solo's struggle isn't enough motivation to get you through the morning after, then think about how crazy Joy Division's parties must have been. What we're saying is, if there was a T-shirt that represented the pure emotions that come from holding your hair back while you yack into a bucket, it would be this Han Solo / Joy Division mashup.
Nobody represents the life of the party quite like the legendary Charlie Chaplin. Dance moves? He'll soft-shoe you into submission. Humor? He'd be on the Comedy Mt. Rushmore. Risk-taker? Is making a movie that targets Hitler in 1940 enough of a risk for you? Wear this T-shirt and let "The Tramp's" radical nature flow out of every pore in your body. Don't be shocked if by the end of the night, you've rallied the party with a breathtaking speech and torn up the sidewalks like you're in City Lights.
What about some awesome party gear?
We got you, villain from an '80s teen comedy! Here's everything you need from the Cracked Store to take your party from "polite gathering of associates" to "Didn't there used to be a wall here?"
This is the Man Card. Carved into its steel frame is a mustache that you can open beers with. Explaining more would be a disservice to the purpose of the Man Card. Go forth, Man Card holders, and conquer any imported stout that stands in your way.
Have you always wanted to be a wine connoisseur, but didn't know a pinot noir from a film noir? Well, we've found the starting line for you right here. Winc is a wine delivery service that handpicks quality blends that are customized specifically for your taste. All you do is fill out a quick survey of your tastes, and the wine snobs over at Winc handle the rest. Pretty soon, you'll be swirling your snifter while you sniff your swirlers. All you have to provide is the French accent.
We don't know why every Moscow Mule must be served in a copper cup, but we don't ask why the sky is blue either. These BOS Mugshots are essential for the early stages of your party, when you still want to look a little sophisticated, but you need a way to pound down shots as quickly as possible. Best of all, when you're done getting sloppy drunk, you can wash these babies out and refill them with chocolate lava cake for an end-of-the-night drunk snack. Mmm, chocolate drunk.
The cornerstone to every good party is ice. It's the only way to make a red solo cup filled with moonshine and Gatorade seem classy. Bloxx lets you take your party to a whole new level of class. Regular ice cubes melt quickly, diluting your alcoholic beverage with very non-alcoholic water. Bloxx are much larger, keeping your drink cool while melting at a much slower rate. That way, your drink tastes great until you inevitably drop it and fall through the coffee table.
Hell yeah! But first, click the links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store, or scroll up top and find each corresponding product. It's going to take a lot of booze to make 2016 look acceptable, so we best get started now.