. In front of your family.
But I donât. Because I know, deep down, that youâre just an impressionable young pop star, falling into the same stupid traps our obsessive culture sets for all of your kind.
Miley, listen to me, because I may be the only person speaking from a place of truth on this one. We already know the people making your decisions at the moment arenât exactly out for your well-being
. If they were, I wouldnât be masturbating to you as I write this.
Does that creep you out Miley? Well, try to get past it, because Iâve got some deep s**t to lay on you and Iâm not going to stop.
Mileyâ¦DO NOT JOIN THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY.
I know theyâve had Travolta hounding you
, and I know heâs cool. Damn cool. I mean, the guyâs licensed to pilot 747âs, and rocks one of the meanest upside-down goatees Iâve ever seen.
But you know who else piloted 747âs? Terrorist hi-jackers. And you know who else has awesome facial hair? Biker gangs.
And you want to know a dirty little secret? Theyâre all Scientologists. Scientology is more than harmless idiocy; itâs a dangerous cult, a confluence of all the worldâs evildoers. Even Beck.
Donât believe me? Ask literally anyone who isn't a Scientologist about Scientology, and watch what happens. They're either going to laugh at you or shake their fist in anger, and neither is a good endorsement when choosing a faith.
Look, I understand if youâre looking for some meaning in your life right now. I would be too if I were just getting old enough to realize what an empty shell of a human being Iâm going to have to live as for the next eight years before I die on a Heroin overdose in a truck stop bathroom.
But if youâve got to go in for a crazy fad religion, why not Kabbalah? I donât know that much about it, but Madonnaâs pushing it pretty hard and as far as I know sheâs one of the only of your kind to make it into her thirties with some semblance of a career.