As was to be expected, the Chinese team crushed their opponents during the table tennis event and won the gold medal. One member of the team, a rural farmer from the Beijing rice fields who was singled out for his extraordinary backhand, broke his wrist and yet played on, in the true spirit of the people. Also in the spirit of the people, he was denied access to any restrooms on the premises, as he is of a low or “dirty” class and is unfit to use them. His time spent competing in the games will be worked off in the mines over the course of the coming weeks. Our discipline gives us strength!
Many of China’s weak and undisciplined opponents complained of poor air quality and a contaminated water supply during the track and field and swimming events. Meanwhile, our athletes, hardened by a life of luxurious, well-compensated service in our plentiful coal mines, performed admirably. This reporter suggests that other nations would do well to provide their doughy populations with some hard (yet equitable and humane) labor. Coughing is the People’s disease!
As of today’s announcement by Micronesia, all other nations have boycotted the Olympic Games. Though their propaganda claims to be concerned over “human rights violations” and “an oppressive, jingoistic regime,” it is more than clear that China’s prowess on the field of competition drove them away in fear and cowardice. The President Himself will be visiting the stadium this evening to collect all gold medals, melt them into ore, and oversee the erection of a statue of His blemishless likeness in honor of the People’s victory.