"Seriously, Jack & Field, this was my chance. ROFLCon is the only organization that would legitimately ask me to give a speech. Ever." No matter how many letters I send to Harvard. "I know. I assumed they'd want us there. We've just gotta try harder. Maybe next year." "Maybe next year? 'Maybe next year,' you fat-headed pig? What makes you think I'll keep dicking around on this sinking ship for another year? Listen, Uncle Jacker, I turned down jobs with Universal Studios, Google and the friggin' Pope to be here." "Ok, well none of that is true." We sat in silence for a while. Then, more silence. After an additional stretch of silence, Jack spoke up. "I'm sorry, Dan, really. I don't know what to say." "You can start by saying you're sorry." "... I just did. I completely just did that." "Alright, then you can reimburse me for all of my expenses. And build me a bat signal." "No. To both of those things." "Fine, can I please just sleep here tonight?" He held up his cell phone. "I've already dialed '9-1,' Dan. I don't think you need another breaking and entering on your record." "Alright, fine, Miss Mary Jack, I'll go. Oh, but by the way, your secretary sucks. She didn't seem to know what to do with the flask of JD I gave her." "Sec- I don't have a secretary... I have a daughter. Did... did you give my four year old daughter alcohol?" "Oh I don't know," I said climbing out the window. "Does anyone really
See? And that article goes on to say--and I am for once not lying-- that we should "[b]y all means hang Hannah Montana." Cracked made that happen. Not Tron Guy. Don't let anyone tell you different. The only conclusion I can draw from this is that we've surpassed internet fame completely and now we're actual legitimate celebrities. I guess I'll know for sure if I get invited to the next BET Awards. Meanwhile, this is becoming a huge problem for me: What the hell does Cheezburger have that we don't? First the Webby's burns us, and now ROFLCon? How long? How long must Cracked.com play Salieri to the Mozart that is I Can Haz Cheezburger?
If we lose one more popularity contest to a bunch of pictures of fucking cats doing bullshit, I swear to God I'm gonna burn the internet to the ground.
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