Ever find yourself longingly watching families holding hands? Slowing down time when a child runs into the arms of their smiling dad, like in a bad Hallmark commercial? You might be feeling the symptoms of having an estranged father. And honestly, that's okay. People with cool dads are probably hiding a horrible secret behind their facade of a completely functional life, so YOU WIN! But instead of winning (loser), maybe you're looking to patch things up with your dad, and have a deep, dark family secret of your own. If so, here are some tips on how to reunite with your estranged father.
Meditation is often used to calm, heal, and center. But no one ever said it can't be used to bring pain into your body and mind as well. Find a spot in your home where you won't be disturbed, lay out some pillows, light some candles, and sit yourself down comfortably. When you're ready, take some deep breaths and begin to think about the time your father threw a garbage bag full of beer bottles at you ... breathe in ... and how you dodged it ... breathe out ...
Touch the flame. Feel alive again.
Now, normally I'd suggest not answering calls from unknown numbers. For all you know, the person on the other end could be a huge worm looking to burst through the phone and push itself into your skull. But ever since you last meditated, you've been feeling a bit vulnerable AND paranoid, and as I am sure you know, those are signs of telepathy! So hurriedly pick up all the calls from every strange number, because it might be him. Your father. But be careful -- wear an earplug, just in case it's that worm we talked about. Safety first.
OK, so those last 45 calls weren't your father. But wasn't that strange? You don't usually get 45 calls from random numbers all in the space of of four minutes. Now you're feeling doubtful, but still a little telepathic, so keep picking up those calls. And answer the same way you were before: "Hello, Dad?" If they say, "No, sorry, I'm a telemarketer," just say, "Oh, that's cool. Do you know my dad?" Because you never know, and really, any information helps.
"Do you have Kevin Bacon's number? I hear he has connections."
So it worked! He called you randomly, out of the blue, after you left him a voicemail because you finally found his number and where he lives with his new family. That's good! Don't cry! Slowly start to accept the three years of silence he gave you when you most needed him. Forget about the years you spent in a foreign city with no one to talk to, when you would call him and he wouldn't answer. And forget about the countless times you called him, saying, "Why don't you ever call me to say hello?" Because he's calling now, and that's what's important.
You two have been on the phone for about five minutes, and completely silent for most of it, so it feels just like old times. Now that you're feeling that past connection, ask him some questions, like "How are you?" and "Where do you live now?" and "WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME IN THREE YEARS?" After the initial silence, laugh so that he can laugh too, and then LAUGH AT HIM when he says, "I was afraid."
Laugh again. Keep laughing. NEVER STOP.
Things were going pretty well, but it looks like your father has stopped calling. That's ... fine ... It's totally fine. I'm not crying or feel ... I mean, YOU'RE NOT FEELING bad. Take a deep breath, relax, and stop being so selfish. Try to think about all the reasons he may not be calling. For example, he could be calling his other children -- you know, the ones he lives with and the REASON YOU ARE FATHERLESS. And honestly, when you really really think about it, that's cool and you are totally chill. Put the gun back in the drawer now.
You've totally chilled out, and you are so much better than you were a second ago. The gun is back in the drawer, and you threw all your sharp objects away like a pro. Good for you! Now that one day has passed since you heard from your father, remind him you're still alive and that you wrote a poem about how your eyelids look the same by sending him some fun emojis. Try some hearts and smileys with their tongues out at first. If he doesn't respond, send him the skull and some hearts. If he doesn't respond then either, send him the tub emoji with a knife.
This should subtly get his attention.
It's been two days since the two of you have spoken, but that doesn't change anything. You really want this relationship to work, so put your pride away and give HIM a call. When he picks up coughing with the sound of a faint beep behind him and says, "Sorry, now's not a good time. I'm in the hospital," take that as a sign to make an awesome joke. Maybe something along the lines of, "Remember when you threw glass bottles at my head? It was kind of funny, now that I think about it." Let him cough a few more times before delivering another joke.
By now, you are an expert at this. You're cool, calm, collected, and really chill. You're SO relaxed that if a murderer entered your home at this time, you'd let him torture and kill you with a smile on your goddamn face. You'd even suggest places to store some of your limbs, like the human-sized freezer you have in your basement. Use your new relaxed self to text your dad, "Send me pictures of them. Your children."
Tell him you need them for a craft project.
Oh ... they're ... real ...? I ... didn't ... really know that ... they could be ... real? My legs, I .... can't feel my legs ...
You're probably a little shaky by now, but don't let it get the best of you. Just stay seated in the H.R. Giger armchair you've been seated in this whole time, place your phone in your H.R Giger phone holder, and relax. Hold it together as more and more pictures of his precious children come in, and if you can't take it, put on your H.R Giger helmet and listen to the soothing sounds of demons screaming.
The H.R. Giger helmet didn't end up doing anything for you, but that's fine. It was a lot to take in. After all of the pacing you did while millions of photos of children who vaguely look like you came rolling in, you've decided to delete his number. DO IT, but keep the pictures of the kids. You know a little bit of witchcraft, and I'm sure there's a spell somewhere that will keep them from contacting you on Facebook once they're old enough ... There's got to be.
Maybe you overreacted. This is your dad. You are part of him -- literally. Like, you used to be his semen. And thinking about that is horrible and disgusting, but ultimately true. You are semen from your father's balls. Find his number, and cheer him up by sending him a picture of your doppelganger. When he replies, "Busy, I'm in the hospital," text him back, "Is this another kid of yours? Lol." And if he doesn't answer, that's fine. You have pictures of his children, and you know where he lives now.
Start planning his surprise for next Father's Day.
Show your Dad some appreciation by playing him the full list of 5 Great Songs For Ruining Father's Day and learn why having a failure for a child can be hard in My Dad Ranks My 7 Most Embarrassing Athletic Failures.
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