4

This Will Test A Friendship

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If you ask your best friend and his wife if they'd like to have a threesome, be prepared to sit on the sofa for a moment not saying anything. This will occur when you do the same with your next-best friend, your old roommate, and the neighbors. It's the go-to reaction. It doesn't last long, but I suggest you savor it, because you're going to be wistful for it fairly soon.

In general, you could sum up most people's reactions to being asked for a threesome as, "No." If you'd like specifics, well, let me just say I'm not welcome at a couple of Christmas parties now.

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Apparently, it's out of favor to get drunk and spend most the time
leaning crotch-first under mistletoe.

In all likelihood, you're going to want to use a little class to broach the subject and -- this is key -- do so with a couple in which at least one member has at some point expressed something even remotely close to attraction to you. This is for your own good. But hey, I'm writing a comedy article, so I literally asked the first five couples I could find. Plus, a hilarious bonus I'll get to later. No reading ahead, you little comedy scamps!

I learned fairly early on that, if I'm friends with a guy and then became friends by proxy with his wife or girlfriend later on, simply by virtue of being friends with the male half, the female friendship can become remarkably tenuous when you propose a debaucherous interlude. I feel like for this to ever work, both halves of the couple have to have the exact amount of interest at the exact same time to avoid alienating one another. Like, if the dude was all, "Hot damn, man sex!" and his wife was maybe less impressed with the idea, that would be bad for their relationship. Likewise, if she hopped in my lap right away and called me papi or whatever, he might start wondering if there was more to this spur-of-the-moment invitation than meets the eye. Realistically, both parties probably have to think something like, "Well, better than a Big Bang Theory rerun," and say it out loud in unison. Anything else, and one of us is never getting looked in the eye again.

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Suggesting you actually watch the rerun will produce the same result.

3

No One Trusts Me

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When you write comedy articles for a living, and people know this, they will automatically assume something is up when you approach them out of the blue with a request for somewhat-askew sex. After that period of silence I mentioned earlier, my friend asked me if this was for an article. That's the world I live in now. I can't just want to have sex with my friends for kicks; it has to be because Cracked is paying me to do it. Incidentally, Cracked did not pay me to have sex with my friends, per se. I tried to have sex with my friends, and then, afterward, informed Cracked that I was billing them for it as a result of the article I wrote. So it's not like Adam Brown is my pimp. He's more like a peepshow enthusiast paying to see my goodies after the fact. The difference is subtle, but it may come up in court one day. Who am I to say?

Adam Tod Brown
I mean, the shades are pimpish, but the hat is clearly all wrong.

In total, three of the couples from whom I requested a threesome assumed right off the bat that it was for an article, and that immediately disqualified it as a possibility. Like your sex is so fucking majestic it couldn't possibly be fodder for comedy. Listen, kids: No matter what you do when you rub your grunt widget against your partner's squirt goblin, I guarantee that if you include me, something hilarious is going down. I don't even need to bring a spinning bow tie or a sidesplitting awooga horn. Sex is always about two farts and a well-timed pun away from a vaudeville act, and that's the way it should be. No one likes Downton Abbey sex, when your pinkie is up and everyone is dour and clenched. That's how old people fuck. Trust me, I watched some at that orgy.

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Also, Earl Grey tea is a terrible lube.

2

Distance Is Your Friend

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When it comes to soliciting a lickening, you want to not ask your best friend, or second-best friend, or probably anyone you see more than once a week. Maybe you could if you look like whoever it is the young people are turned on by these days -- Charlotte Bronte and Rick Springfield? But I have the undefinable sex appeal of a Willem Dafoe or a Paul Giamatti. Actually, exactly like the baby Willem Dafoe and Paul Giamatti would have. Like, if you had to have sex with me to repopulate the Earth, you'd tell your friends about what a great personality I have and how I can cook pretty well, and you'd more or less be OK with it. You'd probably not cry yourself to sleep very often, if at all. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.

Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Back to picturing these two sweating and grunting all night long.

Saddled with my physicality as I am, I'm not able to ruin a close relationship. More distant relationships are much better fodder for threesome-farming. This is simply because I'm less present and, therefore, have a slight air of mystery about me. Maybe I have a lot of stamina that you never imagined, or maybe I'll shave before we actually do it. Who knows? The point is, they don't know because I'm less friendly with them. This is advantageous. It still didn't work, incidentally, but it seemed like I was closer to a yes.

1

Strangers Know Best

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Conclusion

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Remember what I said earlier about how you always see couples and not threesomes everywhere? Yeah, that's the point. Threesomes aren't easy to arrange. And, probably, lots of people have had them before, but even if you have, I bet you still say it like, "Oh, yeah, I've had lots of threesomes," in a way that naturally gives the very idea significance. Because it's unusual. No one says, "Oh, yeah, I've eaten lots of food," because of course you have. We all have. I eat food every damn day, sometimes more than once. That's insignificant. Threesomes merit notice because they're like unicorns: rare and wondrous and probably someone is getting poked by a "horn." Anyway, if you want me to do your wife, please send pictures.