5 Reasons Threesomes Aren't As Awesome As You Think

Asking a couple if they would be amenable to you joining them is awkward at best, and I've found even getting them to include you in dinner plans can be a hassle. Naturally, this likely has a lot more to do with me as a person than the idea of any random person, probably, but I imagine there's at least some generalities here. Of the several couples I approached, it took an offer to pay for all three of us to see a movie just to get that far. This was killer for my self-esteem. I'm like a reverse prostitute, and not the good kind: the kind who has weird-smelling gaps in their oak-shaded teeth. I don't have that, by the way. Makes it all the more sad.

In general, you could sum up most people's reactions to being asked for a threesome as, "No." If you'd like specifics, well, let me just say I'm not welcome at a couple of Christmas parties now.

Ulrik Tofte/Photodisc/Getty Images
Apparently, it's out of favor to get drunk and spend most the time
leaning crotch-first under mistletoe.

In all likelihood, you're going to want to use a little class to broach the subject and -- this is key -- do so with a couple in which at least one member has at some point expressed something even remotely close to attraction to you. This is for your own good. But hey, I'm writing a comedy article, so I literally asked the first five couples I could find. Plus, a hilarious bonus I'll get to later. No reading ahead, you little comedy scamps!

I learned fairly early on that, if I'm friends with a guy and then became friends by proxy with his wife or girlfriend later on, simply by virtue of being friends with the male half, the female friendship can become remarkably tenuous when you propose a debaucherous interlude. I feel like for this to ever work, both halves of the couple have to have the exact amount of interest at the exact same time to avoid alienating one another. Like, if the dude was all, "Hot damn, man sex!" and his wife was maybe less impressed with the idea, that would be bad for their relationship. Likewise, if she hopped in my lap right away and called me papi or whatever, he might start wondering if there was more to this spur-of-the-moment invitation than meets the eye. Realistically, both parties probably have to think something like, "Well, better than a Big Bang Theory rerun," and say it out loud in unison. Anything else, and one of us is never getting looked in the eye again.

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Suggesting you actually watch the rerun will produce the same result.

In total, three of the couples from whom I requested a threesome assumed right off the bat that it was for an article, and that immediately disqualified it as a possibility. Like your sex is so fucking majestic it couldn't possibly be fodder for comedy. Listen, kids: No matter what you do when you rub your grunt widget against your partner's squirt goblin, I guarantee that if you include me, something hilarious is going down. I don't even need to bring a spinning bow tie or a sidesplitting awooga horn. Sex is always about two farts and a well-timed pun away from a vaudeville act, and that's the way it should be. No one likes Downton Abbey sex, when your pinkie is up and everyone is dour and clenched. That's how old people fuck. Trust me, I watched some at that orgy.

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Also, Earl Grey tea is a terrible lube.

When it comes to soliciting a lickening, you want to not ask your best friend, or second-best friend, or probably anyone you see more than once a week. Maybe you could if you look like whoever it is the young people are turned on by these days -- Charlotte Bronte and Rick Springfield? But I have the undefinable sex appeal of a Willem Dafoe or a Paul Giamatti. Actually, exactly like the baby Willem Dafoe and Paul Giamatti would have. Like, if you had to have sex with me to repopulate the Earth, you'd tell your friends about what a great personality I have and how I can cook pretty well, and you'd more or less be OK with it. You'd probably not cry yourself to sleep very often, if at all. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.

Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Back to picturing these two sweating and grunting all night long.

Saddled with my physicality as I am, I'm not able to ruin a close relationship. More distant relationships are much better fodder for threesome-farming. This is simply because I'm less present and, therefore, have a slight air of mystery about me. Maybe I have a lot of stamina that you never imagined, or maybe I'll shave before we actually do it. Who knows? The point is, they don't know because I'm less friendly with them. This is advantageous. It still didn't work, incidentally, but it seemed like I was closer to a yes.

So, basically, no one I know would agree to a threesome with me. However, my old friend Craigslist legitimately has an entire personals section devoted exclusively to couples looking for another dude. It's like they knew I wanted to write this article and tried to head me off at the pass!

The first couple I contacted wanted to meet for drinks, then come back to my place, but it had to be Friday night, because that's when they had a babysitter. I made the mistake of writing back with the innocuous question, "How old are your kids?" before realizing you can never, ever discuss the prospect of porking a stranger while simultaneously asking them about their children. That's how you get on watchlists. I didn't mean it to sound like I was the most horrible man in the world, but man did they take it that way.

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Probably a good thing I didn't follow up with, "So, when's the babysitter available?"

Next couple wanted a dude to have some fun with, and they devoted no less than two paragraphs to expressing how they didn't want this to be a one-time thing -- they wanted an ongoing relationship. And if I wanted, I could bring them weed. I felt like it was probably a police sting and moved on to the next pairing, who included pictures. Well, one pic of a wiener taken with a cellphone held the wrong way, then a picture of ass in panties, and then boobs. So, between them, they had two boobs, a dick, and an ass. That's nearly a whole person, and 85 percent of everything I need to have sex with someone. I sent them an email.

We agreed to meet at a bar to see if we hit it off. You can keep reading -- I have some more good jokes coming up -- but let's be honest: Where do you think this is going? For real. Imagine, right now, that I email you and we are going to meet at a bar to see if we hit it off. Me and you and your significant other. Just picture it.

I arrived before they did and took a booth, assuring the suspicious waitress that I was not a lonely drunk and others were coming. I had a beer. Then another beer. Then another. I was on my sixth beer of the evening when I got the text message that they weren't coming because something came up. Literally, that's what they said: "Something came up." I'll tell you what came up: hateful Felix discrimination. Fuckers think they're too good to engage in some DP action with me? Well, maybe I'm the one who's too good. Maybe I'm so good they don't deserve to lift my balls off of one another's faces. Ever think of that? I did.

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I reserve my taint-sweat for only the very best.

The waitress returned and asked me if I wouldn't mind moving to the bar, since they needed the booth for customers who actually had friends. She didn't use those words, but that's what she was thinking. I could see it in those judgmental eyes.

I took a cab home and had another beer and watched Jessica Jones on Netflix. Good show, but the sex in the first few episodes seemed extraneous at best. Plus, did she wear the same pair of jeans for literally the entire 13-episode run? That's weird.

Netflix
She's clearly not a fan of guys at the bar asking about threesomes either.