found a link between alcohol and aggressive behavior
. I know, right? Next thing you know you'll tell me there's some sort of mysterious link between Cracked writers and registered sex offenders. You so crazy, science!
But amazingly, it's true! There's a gene called MAOA that produces an enzyme which breaks down chemicals in the brain associated with mood. 174 prisoners--all with both a history of alcoholism and records of violent tendencies--were the subjects of a recent study conducted by Finnish scientists. The scientists, now in possession of about 200 violent criminals with poor impulse control, decided that the most logical thing to do was to get them all fucking hammered and then poke at them with needles because, as we all know, Finnish scientists have infamously giantic science-balls. They found that not only did all of the criminals show a drastically increased risk of impulsive violence, but all were registeringÂ highly active versions of MAOA in their brains as well.
Pictured: Scientific Progress
The researchers, all graduates from the Clint Eastwood University Of Just Not Giving A Shit, hope that one day their results could eventually lead to a pharmacological solution for this condition: In other words, someday there may well be a "don't be such a fucking prick when you're drunk," pill.
Soccer hooligans, hillbillies and Bostonians (or at least their neighbors): Rejoice!
New studies are being conducted in Japan, focusing on the areas of the brain responsible for both envy
and schadenfreude. Japanese scientists are scanningÂ groups of students with an MRI machine while they're forced to read stories about rich, lucky and successful people, followed by tales where life just shits all over the protagonist. Unsurprisingly, they found that subjects reading the "lucky" stories basically felt like life had lightly grazed their souls in the junk, invoking that slow, ebbing pain that crawls up your gut and is somehow worse than a direct hit--while the "hard luck" stories inspired a particularly spiteful kind of well-being, like sunning yourself on a clear spring day... on top of an orphan.
"Where your parents, kid?! Huh? Where your family!? Haha! You so gettin' sat!"
But unexpectedly, they also found that these feelings were less like emotional responses, and more similar to actual, physical sensations. Envy is registered in the mind like a real feeling of bodily pain, while schadenfreude induces a pleasant euphoric state akin to a low grade orgasm. Well, mostly it's just a low grade orgasm, but I suppose that if you're truly evil enough, you could get a more literal orgasm from watching the suffering of others. And this would certainly explain Skeletor's constant O-Face.
Happy Nightmares! Love, Robert.
Behavioral scientists have a keen interest in the increasing trend of so-called "webrage"
: the tendency for Internet commenters to spew naught but filth and bile with little to no provocation (for some handy examples, just scroll all the way down to the comments section!) But aside from vitriol-laden feedback sections wrought with verbal filth and textual disease, the scientists are also pointing to the rise of new websites, like mybiggestcomplaint.com and justrage.com, which are dedicated exclusively
to the world's saddest expression of rage: Angry typing. These sites don't even pretend to have content, they're exclusively devoted to venting nerd fury for no valid reason. Although that does finally answer the age old Zen Riddle: If there were no Internet to flame on, would flamers still flame?
"Nice qeustion r-tard. lol wut fuck u newfag" - Behavioral Scientists
These researchers all differ on what, exactly, is causing this outpouring of impotent rage--some point to the anonymity of the Internet providing a consequence-free environment for dickotry, while others blame the anger on a lack of emotional cues like voice fluctuation and body language--but all can agree on one thing:Â The newfound ability to distance ourselves emotionally, while simultaneously remaining connected on a global level is leading to an overall increase in both anger and stress levels across the board. So, while the Internet may have linked humanity via information, and possibly ushered in a new era of human intelligence, it's also allowed us just enough distance to constantly tell each other to go fuck ourselves unconscious for no apparent reason with a previously unheard of lack of empathy and remorse.
And on a completely unrelated note: Go fuck yourselves unconscious, dicktards.
Find Robert on Twitter
or his own site, I Fight Robots
, where he will fucking kill you in the face if you say literally anything! ANYTHING AT ALL.