This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
It used to be that when you had a great idea, the only way to get it off the ground was to flag down some rich investor on their flying yacht submarine (or whatever rich people drive) and pray that they'd fund your business. But nowadays, that's not the ONLY option. In 2017, if you have a killer plan for a product, you can simply use crowdfunding and let the denizens of the internet decide your idea's fate. So before you even look at them, just know that the internet likes the following products so much that it paid for them to exist. Here are some crowdfunding success stories that ALSO serve as great gifts.
Take your old selfie stick behind the woodshed and put it out of its misery, because the Hover Camera Passport does everything that it can do, and does it better. This award-winning drone uses facial recognition to fly autonomously and takes 360-degree, panoramic 4K photos and videos of you at your command. It's like if Navi from Legend Of Zelda flitted about taking Instagram photos for Link, but without the incessant reminders to check out the Deku Tree. The Hover 4K Camera Passport Self-Flying Camera Drone normally costs $499.99, but you can get it for just $349.99, which saves you 30 percent.
The Bomber Barrel Duffel Bag is a no-nonsense carryable that's elevated by its attention to detail. It's made from ripstop nylon to provide a lightweight, weather-resistant shell, it's reinforced with military-grade clips, and it includes emergency paracord zipper pulls. Let's put it this way: If Rambo needed to catch a flight, he would pack his things in this bag. Pick up one of these Bomber Barrel Duffel Bags here for 65 percent off the list price, just $69.99.
Ticwatch 2 offers a refined smartwatch experience for the minimalists and tech-savvy alike. Mobvoi's in-house TicwearOS integrates services directly, essentially updating it in the same way a smartphone or self-aware robot that studies your every weakness would. Will this watch eventually overtake you in its quest for sentience? It's hard to say, but the standalone GPS and fitness monitoring make it a dream to use in the meantime. The Ticwatch 2 is available here for $169.99, or 15 percent off the regular price of $199.99.
An instant Kickstarter success and a Shark Tank-backed prospect, the IllumiBowl is an LED light that snaps onto your toilet seat. It has a three-stage dimmer to adjust the light intensity, can switch between eight different colors, and is the best innovation in pooping since humans learned how to grunt. The Illumibowl turns on automatically via finely tuned motion sensors, and turns off after you've left the room, meaning you won't have to stumble around with your pants around your ankles looking for a switch. Turn your commode into a rave with the IllumiBowl 2.0, now for just $12.99.
Having the Jamstik+ is like carrying a tiny Eric Clapton in your pocket. With it, you can download the JamTutor app, and their games and lessons will guide you through all the frets, chords, and jams you'll ever need to know. The Jamstik+ can even sense where your fingers are and show you on the screen where they should be, so the training is super accurate and customized. Jamstik+ is currently on sale for $279.99 -- that's $20 off the original price. You can also save another 10 percent with the coupon code JAM10.
Look, you can keep chasing the cheese in The Great Conspiracy that is coporate culture like a bad reenactment of American Psycho. Or you can "Bale" out of there and start your own project. Be your own boss and live life like it was MEANT to be lived. That's the true path to Billionaire Playboy status these days.
But if the rat race is (somehow) still for you, check out Land Your Dream Job (With Help From The Cracked Dispensary).
No, YOU'RE crying.