This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Remember in The Force Awakens when Rey thought Luke Skywalker was only a myth, despite Luke being, like, the most famous guy this side of the Kessel spice mines a few decades earlier? That's basically home ownership in 2017. Yeah, we've heard that it was pretty widespread in the '90s, but based on today's economy, we think owning a yard with a two-car garage is folklore at best.
Still, just because our generation will be renting for the rest of our lives doesn't mean we have to be living in pits of squalor. A few interior indulgences are the only things your shabby walls need to turn your house into a home -- or, if you're not into sentimentality, turn your apartment into a radder apartment. Here's some stuff to make your drywall shoe box feel like home.
The easiest way to wake up feeling like a new you is to toss away that grimy bedspread that you spent most of college passed out on. These sheets are made from ultra-soft microfiber and bamboo viscose, so you'll have a luxurious new comfort zone on which you can read The Economist and watch C-SPAN, or whatever it is new-yous do all Sunday long. You can pick up a set of 1800 Series Bamboo Sheets in our shop for $29.99.
This WiFi Security Camera
If you want to keep an eye on your dazzling collection of anime DVDs and New Yorker clippings (we have an odd demographic), or just need to make sure your foster dog isn't feasting on your Doc Martens and Mario hats (seriously), this Sinji Panoramic Smart WiFi Camera alerts you of any unexpected guests and movement. It streams footage to your smartphone, and has two-way audio so you can tell burglars that they can keep the essays, but that if they touch Cowboy Bebop, there will be hell to pay. Get it here for 57 percent off retail, $59.99.
A Cordless Vacuum That Doesn't Suck
Even if you live in a 500-square-foot studio apartment, owning a vacuum cleaner will cut your usual cleaning time down considerably. What's more, this baby comes cordless, meaning you can whirl it around the apartment like a vacuum-cleaning ninja. Ninjutsu flips to clean the ceiling are not necessary, but totally recommended. The Kalorik 2-in-1 Cordless Cyclonic Vacuum is available here for $149.99.
Whoever figured out that you could combine rice with beans to form a perfect nutritional harmony was a frugal genius. To make your own delicious dinners without stressing about buying groceries, try three meals (for two people) from Blue Apron for $25.
This Tiny Projector
We get it. You don't own a TV. Thanks for telling us again. But we know your secret. We know you binge Netflix on your laptop like the rest of us. So why not drop the charade and enjoy your experimental films and documentaries on a screen that's bigger than 13 inches? The Smart Beam Laser Projector lets you turn any wall into an instant screen, with no lengthy warm-up time. And you can easily stow it away when your James Joyce book club comes over. Get it here for 23 percent off retail, $365.
Eco-Friendly Bluetooth Smart Bulbs
This two-pack of Kasa smart bulbs lets you turn your living room into a moody future lounge. Serve up some chai tea, pop in some Alt-J, and all of a sudden you can charge hipsters $8.95 just to use the WiFi. These light bulbs usually go for $89.90, but you can grab a pair in our store for $49.99.
Hardened Network Defense
Unless you changed your WiFi router's device password (and let's face it, you didn't), then it's probably still "PASSWORD." Which means that any high schooler with a basic knowledge of hacking, or who at the very least has seen Mr. Robot, could easily lock you out of your network and fill up your computer with incriminating content. The CUJO Smart Internet Security Firewall monitors all devices on your network and alerts you of any malware threats immediately. And unlike its namesake, it probably won't get rabies and devour your neighbors. Get one here for $224.99 before it's too late.
Wine Delivered Right To Your Door
Don't listen to the haters who chastise you when you open another bottle. Drinking wine every day doesn't make you a drunk; it just means you have refined sensibilities. To keep up with your ravenous cultural appetite, Winc delivers four bottles to your home at a time, so you'll never have to cancel your solo weekly tastings. You can order a one-time trial for $26.
The Ultimate Skillet
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so why eat yogurt filled with flavorless twigs or a factory-pressed bar of oats and raisins? The MasterPan3 Skillet lets you go all-out on your morning meal without making tons of dishes. It has three separate nonstick surfaces, so you can easily cook eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, and any other greasy staple at the same time. And hey, if you want to use it for more than just breakfast, we promise we won't snitch. Pick one up for $34.99.
A Bluetooth Shower Speaker
Until Silicon Valley pulls their heads out of their collective butts and makes a waterproof turntable, a Bluetooth speaker is probably the best way to get a quality listening experience in the shower. This little blue squircle sticks anywhere with a suction cup, so you can splash around in the tub like Aquaman at a rave. Pick up an XXL Shower Speaker for $19.99.
After a hard day of sweet, sweet makeovers, grab your favorite (crusty, probably) blanket and settle in for gentle slumber. You've earned it. Goodnight You Princes Of Maine, Kings Of The Cracked Store.
Things could always be much, much worse.
The cops will come swooping in the seconds the credits roll.
You've probably never heard of it.