Everyone has a charity or a cause that they believe in. Mine is Family Circus, by Bill Keane. Family Circus been around for over 50 years, and hasn't even been funny yet on accident. It's the only part of the newspaper that birds won't s**t on. And I have vowed to destroy it.
Rather than tracking down and destroying every Family Circus comic, I've spent years developing a robot capable of rewriting them
. This powerful robot has been programmed with every modern technique of joke construction and irony. He is named PG-13, after the guidelines set down by the Motion Picture Association of America that he is forced to cyber-follow. What that means is that in each comic, PG-13 is only allowed 4 to 6 curse words, and none of them can be a sexual f**k. So he cannot f**k you, but he can have f*****g sex with you. He's incredible and amazing and I have spent the last five days feeding Family Circus comics into him. Here are our results.
The Family Circus Original:
Ugh. Look at that bullshit. Did you know that every time someone makes a joke that begins and ends with a seat-and-tray-tables speech, it erases an episode of The Three Stooges
? That's how powerfully unfunny it is. When Bill Keane typed this, every baby for 200 miles stopped smiling. If you read it out loud, milk will actually crawl back up your nose. Doctors are funnier when they explain that your AIDS medicine might give you anal fissures.
When I put this comedy tragedy into PG-13's robot comics port, he told me to f**k myself, which he legally shouldn't even be able to say. Then he, almost defiantly, produced this: