8

Orlando Bloom's Penis

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Nothing seems to get more of a rise out of the internet than a glimpse of celebrity genitalia. Last year it was Justin Bieber in the buff and a brief flash of LeBron James during an NBA game. This year, it was Orlando Bloom's Flying Dutchman.

Via Wethepvblic (NSFW)
At least one person on the planet wasn't impressed.

Shot while Bloom was on vacation with an indifferent-looking Katy Perry, the internet quickly melted down. Legolas has a penis. Please, someone call science. And while the internet disseminated the images, Bloom claimed to be totally humiliated by the attention. Probably because Katy Perry has never looked more bored in her entire life. "We're paddling around and my boyfriend's dick is flapping two feet away from me? Thanks for the trip, Elizabethtown."

Privacy issues aside, all the hype over a penis seems overwrought, particularly when you consider that nearly half the population has one of their own. However, the novelty of a phallus sighting continues to fascinate. That is, until we turned our attention to more pressing matters, like ...

7

Olympic Hijinks

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6

The Mannequin Challenge

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Just when you thought nothing could be more cringe-inducing and trite than the Harlem Shake, humanity outdoes itself once again. We've suffered through planking, perching, and milking. This year's participatory meme is the Mannequin Challenge. Like most of the viral video challenges of the past, if you have a phone and a skeleton, you can do it. Even those lacking basic common sense ...

The above video features a full minute of people wielding firearms, and it piqued the interest of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, ultimately leading to their arrest on weapon and gun charges. And despite what I said in the opening, the election did seep into a few forgettable events ...

5

Awkward Flirting Do's And Don'ts

NFL.com

Attracting a member of the opposite sex has always been an inelegant science. When an old blog post from dating guru Dan Bacon started making the rounds on social media, we found ourselves debating the merits of approaching a woman while she's wearing headphones. In his post, Bacon advises against "giving up too easily" or "approaching in a nervous manner." This classic pickup artist shtick whipped the meme factory into overdrive, with the internet ridiculing his dubious advice. Luckily, he has yet to to write such surefire viral hits as "How To Touch A Lady's Shoulder When She's Giving A Business Presentation" and "How To Smile At A Lady Astronaut."

And it's not just men who have had an awkward, ill-advised go at it this year. Lena Dunham found herself at the center of yet another controversy when she complained about Odell Beckham Jr.'s apparent lack of interest in her as a sexual being when they were seated next to each other during the Met Gala. Dunham wrote that "The vibe was very much like, 'Do I want to f- it? Is it wearing a ... yep, it's wearing a tuxedo. I'm going to go back to my cell phone." Dunham continued, "It was like we were forced to be together, and he literally was scrolling Instagram rather than have to look at a woman in a bow tie. I was like, 'This should be called the Metropolitan Museum of Getting Rejected by Athletes.'"

What appeared to be a lame attempt at self-deprecating humor evoked accusations of flaunting white privilege and perpetuating racist stereotypes. Dunham offered at first an excuse based on poor body image, and then an actual apology. As for Odell Beckham Jr.'s response to the controversy, the Giants wide receiver seemed unfazed when asked about it. If you don't want to read that article, his response was basically "Man ... why?"

4

Welcome To The Real World, Baby

youtube

After months of political mud-slinging, hateful name-calling, and general vitriol, the internet finally came together in a Kumbaya moment to watch a lizard.

With a background score straight out of a Christopher Nolan movie, a newly minted marine iguana runs for its life while a horde of snakes pours out from rocky crevices to hunt it down. Did you know that snakes are born out of thin air whenever prey comes near? And that they hunt in packs? Neither did we until we saw this video! We sat transfixed while something that didn't leave us emotionally crushed happened. Of course, we also had other animal drama with a slightly less happy ending ...

3

Harambe Overload

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2

The Ugly Side Of Pretty

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1

Crime Doesn't Pay ... Or Does It?

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Taking time out from the outrage over whether a football player should stand, sit, or kneel during the National Anthem, we were briefly concerned with the massive fraud taking place at one of the nation's largest banks. In an effort to make sales quotas / keep from being fired, Wells Fargo employees secretly opened millions of unauthorized bank and credit card accounts for customers without their knowledge or consent. It appeared to be a systematic endeavor. When employees attempted to report the fraud, they were fired. Sounds pretty criminal. And if it isn't criminal, well, it sounds pretty shitty.

Don't worry, there were repercussions. Wells Fargo did fire 5,300 low-level employees and paid $190 million in penalties. As for the head honcho (Wells Fargo Chairman and CEO John Stumpf), it's not like he sold millions in stock before the fraud revelation. Oh wait, he totally did. Stumpf admitted no wrongdoing when he testified before Congress, but didn't get off completely without penalty. Besides the humiliation of the congressional inquisition, he forfeited $41 million in unvested stock as well as his 2016 bonus. Of course, on the upside (for him, at least), it's estimated that Stumpf walked away with $134.1 million when he stepped down as CEO.

But that lizard lived! That's nice, right?

For more check out 5 Huge News Stories Of 2015 (We Immediately Forgot) and The 6 Most Important Things Humanity Just Plain Forgot.

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