Jones Soda has always offered some odd flavors. I'm a fan of Sweet Potato, and a rabid opponent (based on principle, not flavor) of Antacid. They've continually expanded the boundaries of chemically induced flavor approximations, becoming second only to Jelly Bellys in their ability to fool my tongue into thinking I'm tasting a food that I most certainly am not. But with their new Christmas and Hanukkah packs, they've finally gone too far. It's as if the guys who choose their flavors decided to intentionally spit in the eye of God with flavors so inherently unnatural, I wouldn’t be surprised if drinking them caused an instant interest in stem cell research. The heretical Christmas-themed flavors are as follows:

Sugar Plum. Jackpot. Straight out of my Christmas dreams. Jones, you’ve done it again.

Egg Nog. Okay, not usually a soda, but still a beverage. I’m intrigued.

Ham. Salty, savory, not really what I want washing down a candy cane, but you did pull off Turkey and Gravy, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Christmas Tree. What? What?! First of all, there’s only one way I’ll ever know if it’s accurate, and I’m not really into mouthfuls of green spines. Secondly, it’s either going to taste like liquid mint toothpaste or wood, and neither are striking me as appetizing at the moment. If I were given a Christmas Tree-flavored soda for Christmas, I’m fairly certain I would put the glass bottle to good use, smashing it on a handy table and gouging the heart out of whoever tried to insult me with such an affront.

And the Hanukkah pack doesn’t show any more promise: