Nothing Says "Refreshment" Quite Like an Ice-Cold Bottle of Ham

Jones Soda has always offered some odd flavors. I'm a fan of Sweet Potato, and a rabid opponent (based on principle, not flavor) of Antacid. They've continually expanded the boundaries of chemically induced flavor approximations, becoming second only to Jelly Bellys in their ability to fool my tongue into thinking I'm tasting a food that I most certainly am not. But with their new Christmas and Hanukkah packs, they've finally gone too far. It's as if the guys who choose their flavors decided to intentionally spit in the eye of God with flavors so inherently unnatural, I wouldn’t be surprised if drinking them caused an instant interest in stem cell research. The heretical Christmas-themed flavors are as follows:

Sugar Plum. Jackpot. Straight out of my Christmas dreams. Jones, you’ve done it again.

Egg Nog. Okay, not usually a soda, but still a beverage. I’m intrigued.

Ham. Salty, savory, not really what I want washing down a candy cane, but you did pull off Turkey and Gravy, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Christmas Tree. What? What?! First of all, there’s only one way I’ll ever know if it’s accurate, and I’m not really into mouthfuls of green spines. Secondly, it’s either going to taste like liquid mint toothpaste or wood, and neither are striking me as appetizing at the moment. If I were given a Christmas Tree-flavored soda for Christmas, I’m fairly certain I would put the glass bottle to good use, smashing it on a handy table and gouging the heart out of whoever tried to insult me with such an affront.

And the Hanukkah pack doesn’t show any more promise:

Chocolate Coins. Well, chocolate really, right? Because I’m hoping there aren’t bits of foil floating in it. And as we all know from Japanese import sodas, chocolate can be done, but usually not as well as you’d hope.

Jelly Donut. Hey, if you can pull this off, I’m there. Not sure what it’s got to do with Hannukah, but then again I’m not Jewish so maybe there’s a part of the Seder where they squeeze out the contents of jelly donuts to represent the Exodus.

Apple Sauce. Uh-oh. I think I see where you’re going here. Please, don’t.

Latkes. That’s what I was afraid of. And you just know kids are going to mix the Latke and Apple Sauce sodas together. Jones, you’re tempting a generation of kids into traumatizing taste experiences. If you hate us so much, why not just release Poison and be done with it?

It’s brilliant marketing really. No one can resist trying a disgusting food at least once, and that’s all they need to make their filthy lucre. Hell, I’m talking shit about them right now, but you can bet your ass I’ll be trying each and every one of them, if only to spit them out and yell “Jesus, it’s exactly as terrible as I imagined it would be.” In that spirit, and in the hopes of receiving some sort of royalty check down the line, may I suggest the following sets of equally terrible Holiday-themed flavors?

Halloween: Black Licorice, Candy Corn, Milk Duds, Handful of Pennies

Valentine's Day: Chalk Hearts, Construction Paper, Whitman Sampler, Obligatory Sex

Easter: Grass, Eggs, Pastel, Christ’s Resurrection

Flag Day: Stars, Stripes, Spangles, Brass Pole

Kwaanza: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.