Christmas and Hanukkah are less than two weeks away, and if you've been to a mall at any point since yesterday, we think it's safe to assume you're still stuck there and reading this while anxiously circling a parking lot. We're not saying you should panic if you haven't bought your holiday gifts yet, but if life were a game show, this would be the part where they start playing the music really, really fast.
Help, Cracked! What am I going to do?
Don't panic. The Cracked Dispensary is here with T-shirts suited for the last-minute shopper, and we're giving you 15 percent off with free shipping through the end of Friday. Buy these shirts, and not only will you be the star of your Secret Santa (Hidden Hanukkah? Covert Kwanzaa? J ... undercover Jesus Day?), but just an all-around cool person. Finger guns out, everybody.
Voltron-related items, from toys to DVD box sets, have been a gift-giving staple since the '80s. The version on this T-shirt comes with an extra attachment in a very critical location, which should make anyone you give this to happier than a mechanized lion after an oil change. We don't know what took the sixth lion so long to end up in the rotation, but now that it's here, all prior attempts to fight evil seem so ... flaccid.
There might not be a better place in the Universe for a holiday retreat than scenic Tatooine. Between the binary star system giving the planet a sun-soaked beach feeling and the lack of water creating a wholesome, salt-of-the-earth experience, we don't need another reason to make this our next vacation destination. Buy this T-shirt before you go, and take solace in the fact that Tatooine is mostly beyond the reach of the Galactic Empire. All that dust gets in Lord Vader's breathing apparatus, anyway.
Everyone likes a gift that makes them feel smarter, but doesn't require any hard work. It's the reason Malcolm Gladwell's a bestseller, and it's the reason that whoever you buy this T-shirt for is going to love you. The Thesaurus is a dinosaur unlike any other, though it packs plenty of synonyms. Impress your friends and family with your newfound robust vocabulary, and know that while dinosaurs might have gone extinct 65 million years ago, your family's jealousy over your language mastery never will.
I'm still freaking out here, Cracked!
Again, it's fine! And whatever you do, do not pull out the "You're entitled to one free hug" coupon book. We still have plenty of legitimate, fantastic gifts from the Cracked Store that you can choose from. Here are some of our bestsellers that will arrive in just the nick of time if you order today.
The Martian Envoy Smart Watch makes a perfect holiday gift for the professionally-minded person in your life. Optimized for voice command and compatible with Amazon's Alexa, this timepiece can help your friends move about their day with rad-looking ease. Watch as they use the hands-free functionality to send messages, make calls, check the weather and do all that busy people stuff you never got around to doing. It's almost as if having a watch like this might have helped remind you to buy presents in a timely manner. You know, maybe it's best you keep this one for yourself.
The Camera Drone might be the most versatile gift on our list. Everyone, from your teenage cousin fresh off a competitive Halo tournament to your great-aunt Sue fresh off a nap, will be mesmerized by the dips and dives that this tiny flyer is capable of. Your parents will love its ability to snap family photos without having to relegate one randomly selected relative (you) to camera duty. Your friends will love its ability to record your bad hair from a birds-eye perspective. And you'll love it because it's a camera that flies, dammit, and no amount of cynicism can take away the joy it gives you.
Nothing says "The holidays are here!" like drunkenly stumbling into the bathroom after midnight and expelling the eggnog, rum, and more rum cocktail you had earlier. It's those moments in which the Illumibowl truly shines. Not only will the Illumibowl make your quest to pee accurately into the toilet all that much easier, but you won't even have to leave the crapper to win your neighborhood Christmas decoration contest.
I need to buy presents before it's too late!
Don't worry. We've got your procrastinating butt covered. Just click the links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store here. Or you can scroll up and click the links for each corresponding product. Be quick about it, though. Today's your last chance to get shipping in time for the holidays. And probably your last chance to realize nobody considers your acoustic cover of "Tiny Dancer" to be anything close to a gift.
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.