5 Shirts To Prove You Love The Outdoors

As a millennial, I'm accused of being out of touch with nature almost every day, and I'm sick of it. Millennials love nature. If we didn't, then they wouldn't put up palm trees at Aeropostale. My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is soft, what with your smartphones and your Netflix. When we were kids we went into the woods to search for bugs and stayed up l- ..." I don't remember the rest. I get headaches whenever someone speaks more than 140 characters. But the point is, he's wrong. Death by chocolate wrong.

Want me to prove it to you? I own every one of these nature-themed shirts from the Cracked Dispensary and, like Betty Crocket trailblazing through the forest, I will guide you through their subtleties and nuances in a way that only a truly nature-savvy millennial could. Once I've done so, you can then buy these shirts at the Cracked Dispensary, and you too can bask in all of nature's glory. *Sniff* Ah, nothing beats the natural scent of manufactured cotton.

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The debate over owl intelligence has raged for some time. Certain pop culture icons like Owl from Winnie The Pooh and certain idiots like Jim have reinforced the stereotype that owls are wise. However, nature-loving millennials like me know the truth and have hard scientific facts* to prove that owls are stupid. Sadly, propagandist machines like Winnie The Pooh and Jim will only continue to perpetuate their "owls are intelligent" agenda, so let us take a moment to thank brave institutions that fight every day to dispel the myth. Hooters, for example. Make sure you go to Hooters and thank them for their accurate, responsible representation of owls.

*No, Jim, the owl didn't figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. The owl couldn't make it past three. But I forgive you. You're an owl lover. Counting probably isn't your strong suit.

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Nature has changed for the modern world. If humans are adapting to reach maturity at a later age and fish are evolving to withstand toxic waste, is it so unreasonable to suggest that deer are selecting mates based on who has the best aim with a revolver? Logic points to duh. And logic says that if you're going out to hunt, then you better shoot to kill, because if you don't your prey might shoot you back and then use your carcass to put out a cigarette. My suggestion: If you have to hunt, go for the deer that smoke menthols. Their population has gotten out of control.

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My theory is that those who think millennials are nature-averse are just projecting their own mistrust of the outdoors. Don't believe me? Let's do a quick experiment. Does this shirt appear to depict Curious George capturing The Man In The Yellow Hat with a net and then violently dragging him across the ground in an act of rebellion? If you answered yes, then you probably have the nature-phobic and jaded eye of a Generation Xer (or older). But through the nature-loving eyes of a millennial, you'd realize that monkeys love Vines. The man in the Yellow Hat must have a GoPro strapped to his chest, and later they're going to upload the footage to make a sweet looping video.

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The history of millennials expressing themselves through nature goes back further than recorded time. Further back even than the start of Facebook. If there's one thing millennials love, it's late '90s and early 2000s nostalgia, and that includes nostalgia for nature. Things millennials will frequently say: "When are we getting a Captain Planet gritty reboot?" "Hey, remember moose? They're still around, right?" "Whoa, check out those Lord Of The Rings deleted scenes!" "Whoa, check out that lumberyard's deleted trees!" Ah, good times. Good times.

By now you are surely convinced that millennials are just as attuned with nature as anyone else. As a reward, here is Optimus Prime holding a perfect representation of our natural planet. Look at those beautiful chrome mountains. Don't they just make you want to vlog about nature?

Remember, to pick up these natural beauties and other great T-shirts, go to the Cracked Dispensary.

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