Jupiter is prettybig. HM A-1B: Forgive me if I seem a little dazed by this. How? Why exactly am I going to Mars? MC: Well, contrary to whatever these guys told you, this mission was primarily intended to test the shielding systems on board the habitat to see how well they protect the craftÂs occupants from solar radiation. ThatÂs why the monkeyÂs there. HM A-1B: IÂve been calling him Buzz. MC: That is certainly your right. Anyways, the reason there's been all this secrecy around the mission is because we needed to do live testing on this shielding, but didnÂt want to make it public we were using an animals. In fact, if you could check yourself for cancer real quick, that'd be super handy for us. Much more ethical. HM A-1B: -Finally cracking up- I can't believe this. I can't believe this. I'm going to die? I can't believe this. Oh God! My wife! She'll be devastated. MC: Ahh, well IÂve got good news there, Mike. SheÂs been cheating on you for the last eight months. With Rob actually. Hey guys, knock it off. Seriously. ThatÂs inappropriate. They just high-fived here, Tim. IÂll talk to them about that. Anyways, hang tight. WeÂre not completely out of ideas yet. And I've got good news! That checklist you've been working on, uh, your duties? You can stop that now. That was part of the prank. WeÂre going to upload Spider Solitaire to you right now, OK buddy? That should keep you busy. And weÂve got a dozen guys working on getting you Freecell. Great things are a foot! -EditorÂs note: What followed next was 43 pages of extremely bitter commentary about a woman named Helen, and many faults she purportedly possessed. In the author's mind she appears to be some sort of mythical beast of legend, sort of like a Hydra. The most concise definition in the extract is Âa frigid ice bitch with 80 bitchy heads bitching all the Goddamned Time ABOUT BULLSHIT.Â This section has been removed in the interests of taste and narrative flow. - ___ TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL Â 1114hr 04/27/2009 MC: Hi, Tim. Regarding your transmission, we passed it on to Helen, but I donÂt believe she read it. I did though. Jesus man, that was some pretty nasty stuff. I mean, I know youÂre in a bad place, but seriously, that was a real dick move. ______ Journal Entry: May 28, 2009 They asked me to leave the monkey alone, because he was "important." But screw them. Me and Buzz are death row buddies. We are going to have a ton of whimsical adventures while we wait to die, just like that terrible Tom Hanks movie. Anyways I let him out of his module this morning, and showed him around the main hab. I think I'll try and teach him some games next. Journal Entry: June 5, 2009 Buzz is super smart, but he seems to be having a lot more difficulty in the zero gravity than myself. Maybe it's because he's so small, but he keeps getting stuck halfway between walls, flailing around and screeching like mad. I had been helping him when he got stuck, but this morning I left him like that, trying to coach him to rescue himself. That turned out to be a mistake. I don't know what they taught that monkey, but it would appear he has a very good grasp on Newtonian mechanics and their application with respect to poo flinging. And I had just gotten this place clean again. Journal Entry: August 17, 2009 Fuck that monkey. I don't know how he did it, but he got into my locker and took all my pants and wouldn't give them back. Then when I tried to catch them, he ripped them to shreds. This is bad news. It's kind of chilly up here, in fucking space. For now I'm wearing my extra shirt as pants. This is bullshit. It's like eighth grade gym all over again.
Unpopular astronaut. ______ TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL Â 1114hr 09/23/2009 HM A-1B: Hi, Mike? I think I lost Buzz. MC: HowÂs that? HM A-1B: I put him back in his room last night, and when I returned this morning, he wasnÂt there. Actually his whole room wasnÂt there. MC: Yes, thatÂs normal. That part of the module has detached. HM A-1B: Detached? WhereÂs it going? MC: Once around Mars, then back to Earth. ThereÂs a wealth of scientific information stored in that monkey, Tim. He should have just enough food to make it home. HM A-1B: But not me. MC: Yes. Tim, IÂm going to be level with you. YouÂve just kind of annoyed a lot of people around here over the years, and on the balance of things, no one here appears to be that sad to see you go. The monkeyÂs great. Everyone loves that little bastard. You should have seen him at the launch party. HM A-1B: You like the monkey more than you like me. MC: Dude. Dude. I donÂt know what it is man. You tell such terrible jokes. And you always laugh at them. Have you ever noticed that? How when you tell a joke, you're the only one laughing, and everyone's standing there uncomfortably, like you're a guy in a funeral procession and your penis just fell out of your pants? And you've got that horrible voice and face. Also a lot of the girls say you make them feel uncomfortable. And that denim jacket. HM A-1B: That's a pretty comprehensive list. MC: We've actually got a white board in the conference room here that's been filling up pretty quick. HM A-1B: I see. MC: See thatÂs another one! You always say shit like "I see," like youÂre some kind of smug, morally superior robot. Hey Karen? Can you add Âsmug, morally superior robotÂ to the board? ____ TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL Â 0954hr 09/27/2009 MC: Tim, this is Mike here again. WeÂve been going over the figures, and we think weÂve found a plan youÂll be pretty happy with. HM A-1B: Go ahead. MC: Basically, weÂd like to slam you into Mars while traveling several kilometers per second, and see what happens. HM A-1B: ... MC: You still there Tim? HM A-1B: Fuck you, Mike. MC: I know that sounds bad, but think it through. Because your other options include starving to death or freezing to death. Plus, this way youÂll be the first person to set foot on Mars. MC-2: HeÂll also be the first person to set knee, arm, shoulder and face on Mars, in extremely rapid succession. MC: Ron this is a private channel, but excellent point. Yes. So five separate records! Tim, I will look into seeing if we can get all those for you. _____ TRANSCRIPT OF HAB MODULE ARES-1B COMMUNICATION TO HOUSTON- MISSION CONTROL Â 1114hr 09/30/2009 MC: Hi, Tim. The Guinness World Record people got back to me, and they said theyÂll only give you the foot thing. They also said theyÂre probably going to have to put an asterisk beside it on account of, well, you know. ___ Editor's note: At this point, the communication stream devolves into the word FUCK printed a little over twenty-seven hundred times, and then just the letter F repeated endlessly, as if someone had set something down on a keyboard. __
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