CALL CENTER LOG: 06/14/09 11:39 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: TeleBrands, this is Marci speaking, how can I help you?
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 11:46 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: TeleBrands, this is Steven speaking, how can I help you?
CALLER: Hi, Steve-o! I need to return a product I ordered. It broke.
CSR: All right sir, I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have the order number with you? It can usu...
CALLER: Yup, got it right here: A662-BN2453-02334.
CSR: Just a moment, sir. I see, OK we do not accept returns on this particular product.
CALLER: Yes, well, it broke. It was faulty.
CSR: Sir, the Comfort Wipe explicitly does not come with a warranty.
CALLER: I noticed. You don't stand behind your product?
CSR: Sir, I try to stand as far away from that product as possible.
CALLER: Well none of that matters because there is a whole asswad -
CSR: -pause- Let me process a refund for you sir.
CALLER: Good lad.
CSR: OK. Let me pull up the Returns screen. I'll need to ask some questions first.... Oh lord. OK, how did the product fail?
CALLER: Don't worry, it wasn't on my ass.
CSR: Please do not tell me how you were using it sir. I just want to know how it broke.
CALLER: I was using it on the bus.
CSR: Damnit, what did I just tell you?
CALLER: I'm trying to explain. I have to take the bus everywhere now because my girlfriend owns the car, and while "we're rethinking things" I'm stuck without a ride. Anyways, the bus is just full of people, right, but not good people like you or me. Nasty people. And I was waving around my Comfort Wand on the bus so people would give me a little more personal space. So no ass-play at all! Honest! Steven would I lie to you?
CALLER: After all we've been through Steven, would I lie to you about ass-play?
CSR: ...How did it get broken sir?
CALLER: The bus driver told me to get off the bus. So I bent over and was rubbing it on my ass, over my pants though, so we're still good, and I'm all like "ooh, what you gonna do?" And then he kicked me right in the ass, and it got in the way and broke.
CSR: Sir, that's not a valid reason for a refund. It's not a manufacturing fault, that's deliberate misuse.
CALLER: But none of it got on my ass! None at all Steven! After I fell down, one guy put one of the pieces in my mouth, but that's it!
CSR: Jesus Christ sir.
CALLER: THIS IS JUST WHAT NAZI GERMANY MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE! -click-
CALL CENTER LOG: 06/15/09 4:17 CST
TELEBRANDS CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: TeleBrands, this is Sharon speaking, how can I help you?
CALLER: Sharon, this is Chris Bucholz. You've probably heard of me. I need help.
CSR: All right. How can I help you?
CALLER: My Comfort Wipe broke off inside my ass.
CSR: I can't help you sir. You need to see a doctor.
CALLER: What I need Sharon, is a refund.
CSR: I can't do that for you sir. We've been told not to give you a refund.
CALLER: Sharon I am going to lay this down for you: If you do not give me a refund, I will stick something else up my ass. And I will call to tell you about it. I will continue sticking things up my ass and calling to tell you about it until my demands are met.
CSR: You're going to stick a never-ending stream of things up your ass because you want your 20 bucks refunded? Are you insane?
CALLER: I WRITE COMEDY ON THE INTERNET. YOUR MIND WOULD SHATTER IF YOU SAW ONE THOUSANDTH OF THE THINGS I HAVE SEEN.
CSR: -Five second pause- Let me get my manager.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER: Hello sir? This is Michael, the manager here. I understand you have something up your ass?
CALLER: Michael, I am an honest man who has gotten caught up in the high stakes world of telecommerce, and now I'm in too deep. The only way I know how to get out is by sticking things in my ass, but it would seem that is no longer enough. I need your help.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER: Sir, I'm going to authorize my staff to give you a full refund.
CALLER: Michael, you're a gentleman and a scholar.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER: I'm doing this on one condition however, Mr. Bucholz: that you stop harassing my staff. If you ever call this number, or make any conduct with TeleBrands again, I will alert the authorities.
CALLER: I promise that you will hear nary a peep from any of my orifices again sir.
TELEBRANDS MANAGER: -unintelligible- That's great. Have a nice day, Mr. Bucholz.
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