My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock

It's Valentine's Day, the first heartbeat of spring. I am a strong advocate of any holiday that puts pretense aside and encourages celebrators to trade pricey gifts for sexual favors. When affection can be measured in real currency, I always win because my love is deep and so are my pockets.

There was a time, however, when I thought a heartfelt gift was as good, if not better, than an expensive one. I was young and didn't understand the complex bartering system of relationships. What follows is an epistolary story from my own life two years ago, and my hope is that others may learn from my naivety.

On Valentine's Day, I started an incidental pen pal relationship, and slowly fell in love. Foolishly, I thought I could win her with words and white lies alone, but it all came crashing down. In retrospect, I should have sent her a Cuisinart or something so she knew I was a serious catch, but we live and we learn.

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

<>

Need the tough questions about Valentine's day answered? Cracked's got your back.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

251 Comments

Load Comments

More Blogs

5 Meltdowns That Went Viral Before The Internet Existed

Everybody loves a good old-fashioned meltdown.

86

5 Iconic Movies Saved By Last-Minute Changes

Some of your favorite movie moments were added months after everyone went home.

109

5 'Romantic Triangle' Characters We Just Feel Sorry For

Fictional love triangles are always a rigged game.

148

5 Celebrities With Arguably More Interesting Parents

Many of today's celebrities have some real surprises in their family trees.

80

5 Scandals Covered Up By Prominent Universities

It seems like prominent schools are really big on making sure the ugly parts stay secret.

106

4 Crazy Ways The Human Body's Changing In Our Own Lifetimes

Our bodies are changing.

110