[JAKE nods and starts firing wildly.]
DOB My man. See what I mean?
NORM They're not monsters, they're animals, and you're murdering them for no reason.
DOB They're trying to kill us. Currently. That is happening.
NORM They wouldn't bother us if man wasn't so destructive and violent, we-
[DOB shoots NORM in the leg.]
DOB Hahah. Fuck you. Yes. Day 6: Living With the Na'vi
After accidentally separating from their group, DOB and JAKE are forced to live with and learn from the Na'vi people.
DOB Plant. Tree. Horse thing. Bird thing. Man, you guys have dick ports everywhere.
NEYTIRI We'll teach you to live like our people, to experience the world as we do.
DOB I'm OK.
NEYTIRI I'mâ¦ sorry?
JAKE We're here to learn from these people, DOB. We want them to train us.
DOB Dude, they're training us on bows and arrows. The only reason I wasn't already trained to use them years ago is because they're irrelevant in our society. I can seriously shoot you whenever I want. Whenever I want.
JAKE But we have much to learn.
DOB From these guys? Man, this is a species so simple that we built perfect replicas in our lab while they still haven't even figured out pants. Which, if I'm being honest, I'm actually OK with. Day 11: Learning to Train Those Flying Dragon Monsters
NEYTIRI, DOB and JAKE surround one of those flying dragon monsters in an attempt to tame and ride them.
NEYTIRI Once you corner it, you must link your tail with its tail.
JAKE I understand. DOB I'm not doing this.
NEYTIRI It will fight you, so be prepared. You will have to hold it down, subdue it and force it to bond with you. Then she will see you.
JAKE Sounds like a challenge.
[JAKE finds a dragon monster he likes and tackles it. He holds it down on the ground as it struggles desperately to break free. He holds its mouth shut and straddles the beast, eventually forcing his ponytalia onto its ponytalia.]
JAKE I've got her. I've got her.
NEYTIRI Don't let her go, Jake.
DOB No, no wait, hold on.
Neytiri Let her see you, Jake.
DOB Just one second, I think-
JAKE Oh, it feels incredible.
Neytiri You are becoming one.
DOB This is rape.
Neytiri Do you see her, Jake? Do you see her?
DOB This is completely rape. Can anyone hear me?
[It's almost exactly like the rape scene in Irreversible.]
JAKE I see her. I see her.
NEYTIRI Now you are ready for our tree of souls. You can see our ancestors.
JAKE What's that process like?
NEYTIRI It is also largely forced-bonding-centric.
DOB I no longer want to play Avatar...Day 24: Revolution The Na'vi people have all gathered around JAKE, who is leading them in a war against the humans, to save this piece of shit movie.
JAKE The humans want to get rid of us, and use up all of our resources. They are raping our planet.
The Na'vi cheer.
DOB What? You guys are the rape planet, you rape hello out here.
JAKE And I say NO MORE. The rape of our planet will not continue.
DOB You are currently sticking your dick in a tree. Day 25: Victory
NEYTIRI We did it! The humans left!
DOB Yep. And they took all of their filthy technology and medicine and school systems with them. Hooray!... I'm fucking with you guys, this really blows.
JAKE A hunt should take your mind off it.
DOB We still hunt? Jesus, it's the future. Who hunts?
NEYTIRI Our mother planet, Eywa, commands that-
DOB You're the shittiest race ever.
NEYTIRI I guess, but this whole planet is so beautiful and real that I don't even notice sometimes. I'm too distracted by the majesty and wonder of our planet, that I never really think about how sort of boring and pointless it all is, I suppose.
Daniel O'Brien is James Cameron.
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