On the other hand, The Force Awakens is too full of "classic" Star Wars moments. Remember in A New Hope when Luke was all like "Ugh, I wish I had less sand and more power converters" as he looked off into the twin sunset of Tatooine? Remember the music that played, "Theme For An Angsty Farm Nerd" by John Williams? That scene is ingrained in our heads. Well, the aim of The Force Awakens seemed to be a movie that is nothing but these scenes, a montage of "This is FUCKING IMPORTANT" moments. And it's not a bad film by any means. But it does feel strange to watch a Star Wars that seems to be asking me for a standing ovation every few minutes.

However, if you took this flaw from The Force Awakens and applied it to The Phantom Menace, suddenly the latter film gets the gravitas it needs to pull it out of the Watto-filled pit that it's dug for itself. The Phantom Menace desperately needs moments that we'll remember when we leave the theater, moments that feel even slightly Star Wars-ish. Sure, these moments are often ripe for parody the second they hit our corneas, but a grand, sweeping, orchestral bombshell is infinitely preferable to Qui-Gon taking future galactic douchebag Anakin aside to give him a Jedi anatomy lesson. To paraphrase a quote from the most annoying kid in my seventh-grade class, "WHAT WERE YOU SMOKIN', GEORGE LUCAS?!? HAHAHA. DRAGON BALL Z, EMINEM, ETC."

And if you took some of those sweet, inexplicable oddities from The Phantom Menace and sprinkled them throughout The Force Awakens, you'd get a movie that really felt like something we'd never seen before. Imagine that ninja vampire in The Force Awakens. He doesn't even have to be the main villain. You can still keep My Chemical Romance Vader, but throw in Darth Maul as a side quest. That shakes things up and holds The Force Awakens back from being A New Hope: Remix Edition. You might get a scene in which Rey fights Darth Maul. Rey. Fighting. Darth. Maul. If that doesn't sell you on a whole new trilogy, I don't think there's a lot of hope for you.

And then take Spectre down a notch with some of that classic Quantum Of Solace disappointment. I mean that in the best way possible. Bond has fought a ton of villainous organizations over the years, but Spectre has always been number one. They kicked over his sand castles, stole his prom date, and threatened the safety of that world he lives in. They're significant. But we don't need to flip the whole James Bond table over when we explain why they're significant.

Don't give them a plot wherein they're trying to create a monopoly on a country's water supply, but also don't given them a plot that piggybacks on the plots of the movies before it in a shallow attempt to add weight. It can still be meaningful without begging to be seen as the most meaningful thing that's ever happened to any character in the history of fiction.

At the end of Blade: Trinity, however, Blade is taking on Dracula. Fucking Dracula. And the climactic scene between a vampire hunter and the ultimate vampire is ... a very simple fight. Wesley Snipes grunts and kicks. Dracula grunts and punches. Grunting and kicking are on Blade's resume, but you'd think that during a final confrontation with Dracula, the filmmakers would put some icing on the cake. Also, it kind of makes Dracula look bad. He's been a symbol of nearly unstoppable terror in dozens of films, but as it turns out, the secret all along has been to kick him, like, a lot.

If anything, the ending of the first Blade should've been a dozen minutes of Blade slowly chopping the shit out of Deacon Frost, followed, of course, by the greatest line in history. It fits the tone of film to cap it off with a measured ass-kicking, and not a headfirst dive into the bottom of a pool of craziness. That should've been saved for Blade: Trinity. Of course, we all dreamed of Blade turning into a ten-part series, with each installment somehow outdoing the last in terms of Blade quips and undead decapitations. But it's starting to look like we might not get that, which means that Blade: Trinity might as well have gone all-out in its attempt to make Dracula look like something more than a buff dude who hates smiles. Flying bones coming out of bodies, little bats that turn into people when they come inside, Blade singing the soundtrack as he does literally anything in the movie -- you name it and I'd honestly be fine with it. It's Blade: Trinity. It's not like you're gonna make it worse.

And if you put the straight-faced cast of the 2014 film in the 1998 film, you'd be able to take the movie seriously, or at least appreciate the movie for taking itself seriously. That cast is perfect for longwinded conversations about Godzilla's sex life. It includes Bryan Cranston, who is watchable in anything -- doubly so if that anything happens to include a very passionate proclamation about monster boners.

X-Men: The Last Stand needs a lot of that ceaseless dumb. The Last Stand is the culmination of three straight movies of Magneto problems. They've already done a smaller battle with him on top of the Statue of Liberty, and X2 was all about teaming up with him to stop a greater threat. The only thing left is an orgy of explosions and drop-kicks, slowly whittling down the health of final boss Magneto until he's ultimately stopped by a fireworks display of outrageous X-Men powers. Anything less than Magneto crumpling to his knees while the Final Fantasy victory music blares is unworthy.

X-Men: Apocalypse, on the other hand, which has just spent two hours paddling nonstop through a river of ridiculous nonsense, doesn't need a big ending. Apocalypse has been around for one movie, and while just having the name "Apocalypse" insists that you treat events with all the subtlety of crushing a Bud Lite can against your forehead, he doesn't deserve it. He wrecked some cities and organized an evil team, the same things that 90 percent of all supervillains have done since the idea of punching Superman back was first invented. Give me some kind of deeper connection to him, and then we can talk about handing him a Grand Slam Breakfast of fireballs.

Daniel is very excited to talk to you about Godzilla on his Twitter. He will bring the Mothra references, as long as you bring some appetizers.

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Angels are real, and they are bad news. Robert Brockway's Vicious Circuit is a punk rock, dark fantasy series of horror and humor. Check out the first two books, and pre-order the third, Kill All Angels, available December 26th.