"Who says that?"
"And that's what I felt, Jacura TSX. I felt it in my bones that this nomination was mine." So confident was I, in fact that I didn't even bother to check the list of nominations. I just bought a tux and started drafting an acceptance speech.
So confident, in fact, that I told all of my friends and family members to check out the nominations before I did. So confident, in fact, that I emailed all of my enemies and told them to suck it, (which was actually okay, because I sort of do that on a daily basis anyway). It was one of these enemies, (who, for the purposes of this column, I'll call "Gladstone"), that pointed out that I wasn't nominated. I assumed that "Gladstone" was confused, (for the purposes of this column, let's say he's chronically forgetful due to his remarkably old age), so I decided to check out the nominees for myself.
And you know what? Even that didn't convince me. I honestly believed, for no discernible reason, that I was nominated, and that they must've made a tremendous mistake. I was so positive, that I signed up for the
When no one responded to my thread and, what's worse, no one corrected what I perceived to be an unfathomable spelling error, I called up Weblog founder Kevin Aylward. Our conversation went something like this:
DOB: Hey, Mr. Aylward, this is Dan O'Brien from Cracked.com.
Kevin:...I'm sorry, "Crack?"
DOB: Cracked. As in, 'Hey, it's the hit comedy website, Cracked.' You've heard of us.
Kevin: "Cracks?" Are you saying "Cracks?"
DOB: No no, Cracked. E-D. Past tense.
Kevin: "Cracked" like "broken?"
DOB: (sighing) Yes. "Cracked" like broken.
[Note: Whenever I try to explain to someone in real life what my job is, that is exactly how the conversation starts. Without fail.]
Kevin: I see, okay, yeah, I can see your website right here. It's very... How can I help you?
DOB: Well, I saw the nominations for 'Best Blogger' and I think you made a mistake.
DOB: It seems like you accidentally put my name down as 'field negro,' when actually it's 'Dan O'Brien.' It's fine, lots of people make that mistake, so if you could just-
Kevin: I'm sorry, there's no mistake. Field Negro is a blogger- a good one, at that.
DOB: Oh, I see. Okay, well, then it seems like you accidentally put my name down as 'Rachel Lucas' when actually it's 'Dan O'Brien.' People rarely make that mistake, but it has happened before, so if you wouldn't mind-
Kevin: Rachel is also an established blogger.
DOB: Gotcha... It seems like you accidentally put my name down as-
Kevin: I'm going to cut you off, there and get right down to this: All of the nominations are correct. You just weren't nominated.
DOB: Okay, so you do see the problem, great. If we could just get my name up there, then, we'll all-
Kevin: No, you misunderstand. You weren't nominated, and you won't be nominated. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because Cracked isn't technically a blog. It's a series of articles, videos, comics and columns, a disturbing amount of which, I might add, seem to be about Hannah Montana, for some reason.
DOB: What the hell do you mean we're not a blog?
Kevin: Blogs update several times a day. And often, a lot of the blogs that we deal with are newsworthy, and important. And, you know...relevant. Cracked's just not very relevant, in the blog world.