Michael Swaim
Throughout the history of TV, cartoons have always been able to get away with a little more than their live action counterparts. That insulating shield of paint and ink seems to give the creators license to stretch, and sometimes to downright goatse, our notions of decency. The first show on TV to show a young boy spewing diarrhea onto his motherâs face was South Park, and thereâs a reason for that. It just wouldnât work on The Drew Carey Show, not even during their April Foolâs Day special. It's the same reason the Road Runner cartoons of the 60's sold so much better than actual footage of coyotes getting mangled to death.
Enter the late 80's. It was a tender time in a young boy's life. Our bodies were changing in strange, unsettling ways, and our parents, as usual, had failed us at every turn. Luckily, Television was there to do their job for them. Inside that glowing box we found a bounty of fictional vixen, drawn to exacting specifications and designed to fill us with feelings we wouldn't understand until years later, when we spent the night at the house of the kid whose parents had the Spice Channel.
The Show: A group of rodents living in the park solve major crimes throughout the city, and believe it or not, youâre not huffing glue. Well, maybe you are, but the show was real, and Chip wore an awesome bomber jacket.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Gadget Hackwrench was a brilliant inventor, pilot, and mechanic who also happened to be a field mouse. A field mouse that seemed to have fashioned a tiny auburn wig out of locks of human hair, and whose ability to turn discarded soda cans into airplanes put MacGyver to shame.
Perks:
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Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): According to the showâs Wikipedia entry, Chip was modeled after Indiana Jones and Dale after Magnum, P.I. Howâd you like to be the meat in a Harrison Ford and Tom Selleck sandwich?
9. April from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The Show: TMNT introduced us to a giant ninja rat, a man-sized alligator, a clan of feet, a guy who was a brain inside a jar inside another guy, and all other manner of mutated horror we had no way of understanding. But God bless us, we begged our parents to buy it all anyway.
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The Show: The least realistic, but most effective Army recruitment video ever made, 
Once a supermodel, Cover left the sexist world of high fashion behind to get grunted at by a bunch of testosterone-fueled, sweaty guys who havenât had sex for two years.
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Pretty much the whole rest of the show. Go nuts, ladies.
The Show: Take some Superman mythology, the Herculoids milieu, some He-Man mentality and a bunch of cats, and youâre halfway there. The other half involves a demonic mummy god, yeti knights, robo-bears and a heaping helping of Snarf.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cheetara, the only adult female Thundercat, served as the outlet for our pubescent needs. The fact that she was often depicted wielding a staff that grew when she held it didnât hurt either.
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Lion-Oâs the obvious choice, but with that whole âmind of a childâ thing, you might be getting a call from CPS. Iâd stick to Snarf, the lovable comic relief. Hey, he may not be a looker, but heâll make you laugh! Thatâs what women want, right? Dear God, please tell me thatâs what women want.
The Show: During the prehistoric phase of life on the distant planet Quasar (not to be confused with an actual quasar), a family of humanoids must battle every day for their fragile lives, their only aids a dragon that shoots lasers, rhino that shoots boulders, immense radioactive ape, and two sentient beanbag chairs.
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): While Tarraâs busy with us, youâre welcome to give her husband Zandar a try. Heâs your basic He-Man clone, so thereâs plenty of fun to be had. Be warned though: Zok likes to watch.
The Show: A French cartoon about little blue people who live in mushroom houses, have a nearly one-word vocabulary, and doâ¦actually Iâm not sure what they do. Harvest things? Make shoes? Theyâre blue. I think I said that already. Moving on.
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Iâd have to go with Hefty Smurf, the jock of smurf village. He takes care of his body, sports some wicked heart tats, and is widely acknowledged as having a smurf like a jackhammer.
The Show: A group of kids who should be in College are instead tooling around the country in a van (occasionally with the Harlem Globe Trotters or Marx Brothers) in an attempt to eat giant sandwiches and prove that monsters are really just old men in masks.
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Fred, the all-American 60âs surfer dude with the white sweater and bizarre fetish for ascots. Heâs aggressive, leaderly, and the only real option besides a talking dog and the skeeziest m**********r youâve ever laid eyes on.
The Show: A group of superheroes who are also best friends gather for weekly parties and to politely pretend like Superman couldnât do everything himself. This tree fort-like scenario also attracted two bumbling teens and their dog, whose presence is never fully explained. I think they may have been auxiliary Robins Batman was hanging on to just in case.
The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Wonder Woman was a goddess who came from a race of Amazons as an ambassador to manâs world. In order to establish a precedent of proud femininity, she flounced around in a corset and flew by squatting in an invisible plane above peopleâs heads.
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Batman. Batman Batman Batman. In fact, this is the only entry on this list where Iâm kind of more attracted to the subsidiary recommendation than the primary one. After all, Wonder Womanâs just a beautiful goddess from beyond the stars. Batman is Batman.
The Show: Okay, itâs actually a movie, but it did come out in the 80âs. And when it did, it represented not just the pinnacle of sexy cartoon ladies, but their uncomfortable emergence into the world of actual eroticism. Iâm pretty sure there were just as many dads sweating to frames of Jessica as there were kids wondering why they were no longer concerned about the dangers of cooties at all.
Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): To my mind, Eddie Valiant is the clear choice. He may not have the spontaneity or physical elasticity of Roger, or the tall, dark and handsome qualities of Judge Doom, but he does have one thing going for him that they donât: a real, live, honest to goodness penis. And that puts him well ahead of every other man on this list. Hereâs to you, Eddie.
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