Throughout the history of TV, cartoons have always been able to get away with a little more than their live action counterparts. That insulating shield of paint and ink seems to give the creators license to stretch, and sometimes to downright goatse, our notions of decency. The first show on TV to show a young boy spewing diarrhea onto his mother’s face was South Park, and there’s a reason for that. It just wouldn’t work on The Drew Carey Show, not even during their April Fool’s Day special. It's the same reason the Road Runner cartoons of the 60's sold so much better than actual footage of coyotes getting mangled to death. Enter the late 80's. It was a tender time in a young boy's life. Our bodies were changing in strange, unsettling ways, and our parents, as usual, had failed us at every turn. Luckily, Television was there to do their job for them. Inside that glowing box we found a bounty of fictional vixen, drawn to exacting specifications and designed to fill us with feelings we wouldn't understand until years later, when we spent the night at the house of the kid whose parents had the Spice Channel.

10. Gadget from Chip N’ Dale’s Rescue Rangers

The Show: A group of rodents living in the park solve major crimes throughout the city, and believe it or not, you’re not huffing glue. Well, maybe you are, but the show was real, and Chip wore an awesome bomber jacket. The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Gadget Hackwrench was a brilliant inventor, pilot, and mechanic who also happened to be a field mouse. A field mouse that seemed to have fashioned a tiny auburn wig out of locks of human hair, and whose ability to turn discarded soda cans into airplanes put MacGyver to shame. Perks:

Look at her tiny little aviator goggles! They’re adorable!

She’s probably the only female on this list who would have found our 11-year-old junk imponderably huge.

There’s no telling what she can do with that tail of hers.

Bummers:

Both Chip and Dale expressed romantic interest in Gadget throughout the series, so it’s not like you’re without competition. And as she’s accustomed to seeing them without pants on, they’ve got a fairly substantive head start.

Monterey Jack seemed fairly protective of Gadget, although a well-placed slice of cheese or large boot could probably take care of him.

As an inventor, you can assume Gadget’s created devices that can pleasure her far more thoroughly and efficiently than you or I will ever be capable of.

Yes, it’s still bestiality.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “Chip and Dale aren’t the only ones who are going to be storing nuts in their mouth.” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): According to the show’s Wikipedia entry, Chip was modeled after Indiana Jones and Dale after Magnum, P.I. How’d you like to be the meat in a Harrison Ford and Tom Selleck sandwich?

9. April from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Show: TMNT introduced us to a giant ninja rat, a man-sized alligator, a clan of feet, a guy who was a brain inside a jar inside another guy, and all other manner of mutated horror we had no way of understanding. But God bless us, we begged our parents to buy it all anyway. The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: April O’Neil, fiery reporter for Channel 6 news and one of the turtles’ only human friends. She was also one of the only female characters who wasn’t some kind of hideous monster, so that helped. Perks:

April’s best guy friends are sewer-dwelling animal men who talk, act, and think like preteen boys. If they challenge you to a fight, you’re fucked, but as long as you can keep things based on physical appearance or general odor, it’s a lock.

She’s the only reporter in the world who insists on wearing a low cut yellow jumpsuit at all times. Kinky.

According to her official bio, her main weakness is “extremely ticklish feet.” Double kinky!

Bummers:

As a career woman, April is more concerned with getting the story than finding love. You’re in very real danger of becoming a one night stand. Are you ready for that kind of heartbreak?

She associates closely with mutants, has traveled through the dimensions, and been covered in numerous kinds of ooze. I guess what I’m saying is--use protection.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “I’d like to bebop her rocksteady! Krangggggg!” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Look, I don’t want to cast aspersions on my female readers. So I say, if curiosity got the better of you and you wanted to be quad-teamed by turtles named after Renaissance painters…hey, who am I to judge?

8. Cover Girl from G.I. Joe

The Show: The least realistic, but most effective Army recruitment video ever made, G.I. Joe taught us about the inherent goodness of American values and the inherent evil of foreigners and people with lisps. The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cover Girl, like most of the Joes, was named after her occupational specialty. Once a supermodel, Cover left the sexist world of high fashion behind to get grunted at by a bunch of testosterone-fueled, sweaty guys who haven’t had sex for two years. Perks:

A supermodel whose action figure came packaged with a Wolverine Tank? You had me at “hello.”

If a firefight ever breaks out while you’re on a date, there’s a good chance she’d pull a grenade launcher out of her purse and handle it.

Nothing makes for a good lay like a woman who scares the hell out of you. For example, take any woman I've ever had sex with.

Bummers:

You’d probably have to bulk up considerably before she could look at you naked without laughing.

According to her Wikipedia entry, she’s had relationships with Duke, Clutch, Shipwreck and Thunder. What chance does a “Gerald” have?

I heard her tits are grenades.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “I know she’s breezy and beautiful, here’s hoping she’s easy.” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Pretty much the whole rest of the show. Go nuts, ladies.

7. Cheetara from Thundercats

The Show: Take some Superman mythology, the Herculoids milieu, some He-Man mentality and a bunch of cats, and you’re halfway there. The other half involves a demonic mummy god, yeti knights, robo-bears and a heaping helping of Snarf. The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Cheetara, the only adult female Thundercat, served as the outlet for our pubescent needs. The fact that she was often depicted wielding a staff that grew when she held it didn’t hurt either. Perks:

She can run up to 120 miles per hour, so she can answer a booty call almost instantaneously.

Her commander is Lion-O, Lord of the Thundercats, who had the mind of a young boy, but was trapped within the body of a man. It’s like they know us!

She had a sixth sense that alerted her of impending danger, but left her in a state of dazed helplessness for days or weeks. Now, I’m not encouraging you to take sexual advantage of a passed out cartoon lady, I’m just saying I'm counting this as a “perk.”

Bummers:

Those big black spots on her skin look like they might be malignant.

Two words: Cat tongue.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “Thunder-, Thunder-, Thundercat BLOOOOOOOOOW me!” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Lion-O’s the obvious choice, but with that whole “mind of a child” thing, you might be getting a call from CPS. I’d stick to Snarf, the lovable comic relief. Hey, he may not be a looker, but he’ll make you laugh! That’s what women want, right? Dear God, please tell me that’s what women want.

6. Tarra from The Herculoids

The Show: During the prehistoric phase of life on the distant planet Quasar (not to be confused with an actual quasar), a family of humanoids must battle every day for their fragile lives, their only aids a dragon that shoots lasers, rhino that shoots boulders, immense radioactive ape, and two sentient beanbag chairs. The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Tarra was the matriarch of the caveman family, and while her crude smock of a dress was a little more concealing that Wilma Flintstone’s, at least her hair wasn’t a cubist bun. Plus she wore shoes (I always imagine Wilma’s feet as scabborous, misshapen lumps. Just me?). Perks:

Despite being prehistoric, in several episodes she pilots sophisticated interstellar spacecraft (crash landed aliens were quite common on Quasar). Mensa, anyone?

She’s got a gem on her forehead, which means she’s Indian or something. I hear they’re real submissive.

She was a dead aim with her slingshot, so she’s used to handling tiny balls (just me?)

Bummers:

Most of the men she hangs around (that radioactive ape I mentioned, for example) have wangs like Louisville sluggers, so she might have some skewed perceptions of size.

You’d probably have to make awkward conversation with Gloop and Gleep while you waited for her to get ready for a date.

She’s got a kid. Downer, dude.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “Forget Tundro, baby, you can fire my energy rocks anytime.” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): While Tarra’s busy with us, you’re welcome to give her husband Zandar a try. He’s your basic He-Man clone, so there’s plenty of fun to be had. Be warned though: Zok likes to watch.

5. Smurfette from The Smurfs

The Show: A French cartoon about little blue people who live in mushroom houses, have a nearly one-word vocabulary, and do…actually I’m not sure what they do. Harvest things? Make shoes? They’re blue. I think I said that already. Moving on.

The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Smurfette got our attention for two reasons: One, because she was the only female smurf and two, because all the other smurfs vied for her affections with a ferocity that led us to believe she had a magic vagina. Although if there was only one vagina within a hundred miles, I guess that'd be magic enough. Perks:

She’s not nearly as stuck up as those goddamned snorks.

She used to have black, bristly hair until Papa Smurf remade her as a blonde bombshell with pumps on. I’m guessing the old bastard could make any number of further “enhancements” if given the right encouragement. Maybe a sack of gold, or…what, jam? Nuts? Man, I really don’t know a lot about smurfs.

It’s well within your power to literally crush every other man she knows.

Bummers:

Again, size would be an issue. Maybe if you teamed her up with Gadget you could get something going.

In the cartoon, Smurfette was originally a golem made by evil wizard Gargamel out of blue clay, sugar, spice, crocodile tears, half a pack of lies, the chatter of a magpie, and a stone for her heart. You know, women.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “I’d like to smurf the smurf out of her smurf with my dick.” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): I’d have to go with Hefty Smurf, the jock of smurf village. He takes care of his body, sports some wicked heart tats, and is widely acknowledged as having a smurf like a jackhammer.

4 and 3. Daphne and Velma from Scooby Doo

The Show: A group of kids who should be in College are instead tooling around the country in a van (occasionally with the Harlem Globe Trotters or Marx Brothers) in an attempt to eat giant sandwiches and prove that monsters are really just old men in masks. The Objects Of Our Misguided Affection: Daphne was the looker of the group, and Velma was the brains, incisive wit, and heart. Also, Velma’s breasts were much larger. Between them, they represented the perfect woman (which is to say, a good-looking girl with large breasts).

Perks:

There’s two of them, so if you strike out with Daphne, you can always go for Velma (you know she’s got self-esteem issues, too).

A threesome with them would be pretty much the only context in which it’s okay for you to yell “Jinkies!” upon orgasm.

They have a talking dog. This doesn’t have anything to do with their sexual attractiveness; it’s just an 11-year-old’s ultimate fantasy.

Bummers:

You’d constantly have to deal with ghosts and monsters who turn out to be petty criminals committing elaborate fraud. I’d imagine that would get tiresome after a while, especially when the gang always falls for it initially no matter how many times they’ve proven that ghosts don’t exist.

Really? A van? Even kids don’t find that cool anymore.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: Insert Scooby Snack reference here. The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Fred, the all-American 60’s surfer dude with the white sweater and bizarre fetish for ascots. He’s aggressive, leaderly, and the only real option besides a talking dog and the skeeziest motherfucker you’ve ever laid eyes on.

2. Wonder Woman from Super Friends

The Show: A group of superheroes who are also best friends gather for weekly parties and to politely pretend like Superman couldn’t do everything himself. This tree fort-like scenario also attracted two bumbling teens and their dog, whose presence is never fully explained. I think they may have been auxiliary Robins Batman was hanging on to just in case. The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Wonder Woman was a goddess who came from a race of Amazons as an ambassador to man’s world. In order to establish a precedent of proud femininity, she flounced around in a corset and flew by squatting in an invisible plane above people’s heads.

Perks:

There’s something perversely erotic about bedding someone who represents all the pride of womanhood. It’s kind of like sleeping with Susan B. Anthony. In a word, HOT.

Her powers include super durability and endurance. That will be a great match for your 18-second sexual hangtime.

She insists on wearing the tiara, boots and armlets in bed.

Bummers:

That lasso of truth could be dangerous, especially considering the fact that Wonder Woman is easily capable of ripping you into two bloody boy-chunks.

As an immortal goddess descended from a race of divine beings, she’s probably all entitled and shit.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “The only thing I wonder about that woman is whether she’ll let me have sex with her.” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): Batman. Batman Batman Batman. In fact, this is the only entry on this list where I’m kind of more attracted to the subsidiary recommendation than the primary one. After all, Wonder Woman’s just a beautiful goddess from beyond the stars. Batman is Batman.

1. Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

The Show: Okay, it’s actually a movie, but it did come out in the 80’s. And when it did, it represented not just the pinnacle of sexy cartoon ladies, but their uncomfortable emergence into the world of actual eroticism. I’m pretty sure there were just as many dads sweating to frames of Jessica as there were kids wondering why they were no longer concerned about the dangers of cooties at all. The Object Of Our Misguided Affection: Jessica Rabbit, a cartoon character so arousing she gets visible rises out of several of the film’s live action characters. What’s more, she did it all without ever changing her clothes and with what appear to be two amphibious slits where her nose should be. Perks:

She’s the only woman on this list who publicly states that the only thing she wants from a man is a sense of humor. A sense of humor, for reference, is the human quality of appreciating and creating comedy, as in the sentence: “That humor writer Michael Swaim sure has a sense of humor.” I’ll be waiting, Jessica.

She could wear my wristwatch as a belt, yet her bust would give my elastic muumuu a run for its money. Because as we all know, there’s nothing sexier than a woman who’s so thin that she’s essentially deformed.

Bummers:

She’s not just married, but happily married to a cartoon knock-off of Bugs Bunny. Judging from the film, there’s not a lot of hope of breaking them up either. At least, not without obtaining some dip, and I’m pretty sure Christopher Lloyd used the last of it to power the Delorian at the end of Back to the Future III.

The Crude, Misinformed Euphemism We Used To Express Our Lust: “Jessica Rabbit, please have sex with me.” The Internet Fallout: Something For The Ladies (Or Budding Homosexuals): To my mind, Eddie Valiant is the clear choice. He may not have the spontaneity or physical elasticity of Roger, or the tall, dark and handsome qualities of Judge Doom, but he does have one thing going for him that they don’t: a real, live, honest to goodness penis. And that puts him well ahead of every other man on this list. Here’s to you, Eddie.

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When not examining the details of his own perversions, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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