Some of you may not be aware of this, but the contract for being a Cracked Blogger states that you have to share a house with all of the other Cracked Bloggers. I moved in a couple of weeks ago. Itâs not so bad. I share a bed with Gladstone, who is, astonishingly enough, even hairier than he looks on film. I miss my girlfriend and family and sometimes itâs a little uncomfortable, living in a small house with five other guys. Also, I donât think Swaim knows that Iâm part black. Iâm running out of excuses to give him when he asks me to accompany him to his White Supremacist meetings, which actually happen a lot more frequently than you might expect.
It gets awkward.
No matter how strange and often aggravating living in a Cracked House gets, I canât imagine that it would ever be quite as irritating as sharing a house with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. What is that belief based on, you ask? An irrational hatred that, perhaps, borders on obsessive? Not this time. (
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Thoseothertimes, though, yes, absolutely.) This time around, I have hardcore evidence to back up my reasons for thinking Hannah âThe Holocaust Never Happenedâ Montana would make an awful roommate. Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present that bitch who plays Hannah Montanaâs new Youtube show âThe Miley and Mandy Show.â
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If you didnât watch it, (which would be totally understandable), I can sum it up: Hannah Montana and her stupid fucking friend run around for about eight minutes screaming at the top of their lungs for no discernible reason. Also, she has more money than you could ever imagine and sheâs never had to put in an honest dayâs work once in her life. I just donât understand why this grinning, shrieking harpy is famous for
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anything. Again, I donât watch whatever her actual TV show is, but is it anything like this? Two unremarkable fifteen year olds doing cartwheels and flaunting their giant teeth? Why does this little bastard-faced fathead have so much more money than I do?
Instead of complaining to strangers and sending hate mail to where I assume Hannah lives, (which I do on a daily basis), I'll drown my sorrows in some of my favorite Montana's-a-Bitch-isms ("Mabisms") from last week:
âHannah Montana is the reason your dad left.â-uber
âHannah Montana poops in your coffee, every single morning.â -
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tashton
âHanna Montana has had, to date, 665 abortions. The 666th will be the antichrist.â -Garida
âHannah Montana secretly masterminded the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Sheâs totally, like, soooo against a Democratic Pakistan yâall.â -
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lbh
âHannah Montana is calling you from INSIDE THE HOUSE!â -pimphand
âHannah Montana keeps JFK and John Lennon as pets on a derelict island in the south pacific.â-IHateHannah
âNicolas Cage has made many bad movies.â -Gladstone
âNew Hannah Montana album tracklisting:
1. Communism Rocks!
2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejab is My Best Friend
3. Eat Your Parents
4. Hey Kids! Meth Tastes Like Candy!
5. Mmmm⦠Baby Rape!
6. Heil Hannah!
7. Murder is Fun For Everyone
8. KILL!!!!!!!
9. I Just Ate a Kitten
10. Fuck the Geneva Convention
11. So What (Anti-Nowhere League cover⦠look up the lyrics)â -
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Vimmy
âHannah Montana invented racism.
Hannah Montana gave Michael J. Fox Parkinsonâs.
Hannah Montana is a Patriots fan.â -Neil
âHannah Montana once hurt me badly.
I wrote a film script I was extremely proud of, and I was copyediting it one night, when the window beside blew through into a million splinterry pieces. Then, dressed in a black cloak, Hannah Montana stepped through under cover of a howling gale, grinning like a loon.
âI demand your script, Iâve heard about it in my underground cave of doom, and I think itâs going to make me even MORE of a millionaire.â
âNo Hannah Montana, this is MY script. I worked very hard on this,â I told her, quite sadly.
âIgnorant peon, stand aside.â
She took my script by brute force, and for good measure, kicked my cat up the butt. Then she left, cackling manically.
My cat canât sit down properly any more. And she turned my stolen film script into the Bratz Movie and sold it on.â -Captain Ross
âHannah Montana gave Magic Johnson AIDS.â-Oleo
âHannah Montana told me she was 19.â -Juanito Gallo
And my personal favorite:
âWho the fuck is Hannah Montana?â -newslamp
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