A few days ago, Miley Cyrus posted a photo to Instagram. A lot of factors went into this decision, though perhaps the biggest one is "That's what Instagram is for." The photo in question featured former Full House star and current Fuller House star Jodie Sweetin giving a seemingly tame lap dance to a tattooed man.
The caption for this photo? "Current mood #fullerhouse." The reaction to it? "HOW DARE YOU TRY TO SHAME JODIE SWEETIN, YOU TRAMP." Yes, the Internet outrage machine needed its daily meal of pureed think pieces in order to survive, so Full House fans and Fuller House fans alike jumped at the chance to defend Jodie Sweetin from Miley's shaming. Was she attempting to shame Jodie by posting the photo? According to her post's edit, "only you freaks take this as shaming! To me it looks like Stephanie is having a fucking gay ol time!"
So was it actually Jodie's fans who were shaming her? By assuming that a mediocre lap dance photo would be shameable, yet the poster had no shame-tentions, were her fans placing shame on Jodie themselves? Is it right to shame someone for possibly shaming someone else? All of these are important issues, especially considering this week contained International Women's Day (sorry, ladies -- you can't have the whole week). No, these issues cannot be solved by me. These questions will not be answered by me.
The question I do want answered is: Where the fuck did you get that photo, Miley? Because if you look at the photo not at all closely, you'll notice that the guy Jodie's sitting on has a face that looks like Dave Coulier's blurred face, twice.
The exact same face. Twice.
And that's because it's a photo that I poorly Photoshopped on purpose seven years ago for my first column here at Cracked, Foul House: Hugs, Drugs, And Scandal On The Set Of Full House. The formatting is all over the place, many of the seven-year-old linked photos are no longer available, and the content of the column isn't pertinent to this discussion (though I particularly enjoy when the entire cast treats Kimmy Gibbler like garbage and calls her Cummy Gobbler). The pertinent thing is that this specific photo that Miley shared, the one that caused an outrageous stir in the blogosphere, was actually a dumb Photoshop of a dumb joke from a dumb article seven dumb years ago. So, where did she find it? How does she have this? If you Google "Jodie Sweetin lap dance," aside from a single link to Miley's Instagram post, the only matches that come up are copies of the original photo. The ones that Miley probably wanted to share. The ones that don't have a blurry Dave Coulier making the same exact face over what is clearly some other human being's body.
The picture just looks so horrible. But nobody has noticed. More than 100,000 likes, thousands of comments, tens of articles, and nobody's like, "Hey Miley, what's up with this photo? Why didn't you use the original one? The one that comes up when you Google what you probably Googled? Where did you find this photo, Miley? Are you Cody's biggest fucking fan?"
Nobody's asking this, of course, but me. Not even CBS News, which is apparently the only organization that noticed something was amiss when they wrote, "In the photos, the unidentified man's face has been obscured by cut-outs of a what appear to be the face of her Fuller House co-star Dave Coulier."
Yeah, no shit.
There's just no way Miley could have randomly found this photo without having pulled it directly from my column, and that is clownish nonsense. Not just because Miley's got better things to do with her time (lick stuff, arch her back, sing, etc.), but because if she knew it was a poorly Photoshopped joke, why wouldn't she find the original photo and post that? It's a much clearer reference to Miley's alleged "current mood," unless her current mood is "Jodie Sweetin sitting on the lap of a guy who has Dave Coulier's unchanging blurry face Photoshopped onto it." Is that one of the new Facebook reactions? Can I click that button on someone's status? I would like that. In fact, I'd feel "wow face" about it.
So, I guess, just ... get back to me? Anyone? If you can? I mean, preferably Miley, but anyone will do. Obviously there are more pressing matters to deal with. Who was shaming whom? Was anyone shaming anyone? Should anybody feel shame? Can't women just support each other? These are important things. Figure that stuff out. Take your time. But, you know, when you're done with all that, please just let me know what's going on. Tell me what happened. How this happened. Where did Miley get this photo, why did she post this version of it, why has nobody anywhere pointed out what a shitty Photoshop job this obvious joke of a photo is, and is there any way I could maybe pull some copyright nonsense and get a cool million from Miley. Even a lame million would be acceptable.
Cody Johnston is the head writer for Cracked's video department and an avid breather of air. If you're Miley, follow and contact him on Twitter so that you may explain yourself. Then, I don't know, you can come over and we can hug for a while or something. Tumblr and Facebook also exist. Crazy.
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How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.