There's a struggling comedian on Twitter who's been gaining some attention recently. He's trying to break into comedy with jokes that have been mutilated until they're unidentifiable by their next of kin. His name is Mike Huckabee, and when he's not writing material, he's trying to stamp out gay people's rights. But comedy is his true art and Twitter is his canvas, albeit one Ed Gein'ed together from stretched human skin. Making sense of these tweets is like straining to find meaning in a Pollock that turns out to be violent bird diarrhea. Be advised that more sensitive readers may want to sit this one out, as this article will feature graphic descriptions of autopsies conducted on jokes that have been butchered beyond recognition.
Victim: Rachel Maddow Joke
Time of death: March 15, 7:07 a.m.
Cause of death: Blunt force trauma to the head, laceration to the punchline.
This isn't a joke. This is the last conscious thought that goes through your head as you die from exposure, delirious from the severe gangrene in your leg wound. After reading this tweet, I checked my pupils in the mirror and recited the alphabet, fearful that I might be having a stroke. He's probably making fun of Rachel Maddow's overhyped reveal of Trump's taxes, but where does Snoop Dogg come into play? Why would he be the child of a famed missing aviatrix and labor leader? Has God abandoned me? Why is my body numb?
Victim: Congressional address joke
Time of Death: Feb. 28, 7:17 p.m.
Cause of Death: Multiple gunshot wounds to the face.
This tweet tells me a couple of things about Huckabee. One, he's afraid of the word "toilet." Two, he thinks that when you flush a toilet, the water jettisons out of it, resulting in a horrifying crap fountain that dapples the walls with flecks of poo.
The autopsy of this tweet requires a bit of legwork. It was posted on February 28, the day Trump made a speech to Congress. I believe the joke is that they left too quickly after the speech, because they were eager to reap fabulous savings at J.C. Penney's. This is nonsense, as democrats clearly shop at Nordstrom's, the lib-cuck's retail paradise. To see if I'd understood the joke correctly, I ran my hypothesis through my Huckabee Analysis Machine, the Huckatweet 9000, and had it translate from Estonian to English.
If you squint and shoot up with black tar heroin cut with crushed glass, you might be able to see a joke in there.
Victim: Sausage Joke
Time of death: March 21, 10:06 a.m.
Cause of Death: Extended sausage metaphor and blood loss.
My first question was, "Why is Jimmy Dean in the news today?" The answer is that it was not. There was no sausage news. And Huckabee led with sausage, weaving the sausage metaphor throughout the joke. Why sausage? Did he hear "Gorusch" and think that sounded similar to "sausage?" Did he mean to make a hamfisted pun, "Gorsausage," but the neuron responsible for completing the idea dropped the baton? Did he think "grinding" and "sausage" in the same sentence would result in anything but homoerotic ideation? Or did he work backwards from the concept of congressional "pork" spending? The most honest and depressing answer is that Huckabee, while making his lunch, stared at his Jimmy Dean sausage as it rotated in the microwave. "Sausages are funny," he giggled, and began feverishly drafting.
Victim: CNN joke
Time of death: March 20, 6:14 p.m.
Cause of death: Bisection, decapitation.
"The president of CNN is named Jeff Zucker," Huckabee pointed out, eyes growing as big as saucers. "And the president of Facebook is Mark Zuckerberg," he observed astutely, fingers flying across his keyboard. "Their names ... they both start with Zucker." His massive erection made it difficult to type, but he soldiered on. "So what if CNN did its own internet site? One called FakeBook, like FaceBook but for fake news." As his quivering finger hovered over the "tweet" button, a tiny voice tried to warn him "No, stop, please." But, like always, he smothered it, and the feeble little flame of dignity sputtered out once and for all.
Victim: Tom Brady jersey joke
Time of death: Still on life support, but barely.
Cause of death: Unknown, but probably autoerotic asphyxiation.
Hey, this one is legitimately funny! In response to Tom Brady's stolen jersey being found, Huckabee made a cheeky joke about how he had sex with Tom Brady in a secluded hotel room. Sex with Tom Brady so hardcore and illicit that the cops are involved! The jersey, no doubt used in some sort of highly illegal sex act involving chickens and cocaine, is going to be collected by the police as evidence. This joke is a saucy, devilish delight, and Huckabee is brave for inviting the reader to imagine him in sweaty, urgent coitus with Tom Brady.
Victim(s): Snoop Dogg Joke / Edvard Munch Joke / Humanity
Time of death: Time is insignificant in the face of the inevitable
Cause of death: Massive internal liquefaction.
A common theme of Huckabee's """""jokes""""" is that he really wants us to know that he's aware of dated cultural touchstones. "Snoop Dogg is a rapper. He has a nephew named Bow Wow. Now the children will see I am hip, that I am 'cool' and 'with it.'"
"Who let the dogs out," he says, like an alien species desperately trying to learn human culture from a time capsule buried in 2000. He's also made the erudite observation that "poop" rhymes with "snoop."
Mike Huckabee is aware of famous works of art, and he wants you to know it. He shows himself next to the art, so you're certain he's qualified on the subject, that this is indeed The Scream by Norwegian painter Edvard Munch. Sure, Huckabee calls him "Edward," but that's just how we spell Edvard in American. The Scream shows a recognizable human emotion of horror, one that may also be found on Nancy Pelosi's face while she listens to a speech she dislikes.
I plugged this formula into Huckatweet 9000's algorithm, to see if it could generate a Huckabee tweet of its own. I kept getting "ERROR: DON'T WANT TO," but eventually I got it running:
I can't tell whether Huckatweet 9000 passes the Turing test or Mike Huckabee fails it.
Time of death: Never should have been born
Cause of death: Multiple heart explosions.
"Grab the Garden Hose of Reality and spray cold water on the Chihuahuas." My head hurts and I taste pennies. The inside of my ear feels wet. It might be blood.
I don't ... I'm sorry, I can't do this. I don't understand. What's the Garden Hose of Reality? Why is it capitalized, like an official title? Is "spraying cold water on the chihuahuas" a saying? Did my mother ever love me, or was that a lie too?
This is above my pay grade. I'm going to have Huckatweet 9000 translate and see what it comes up with.
Sadly, the Huckatweet 9000 overheated, then shot and killed itself after analyzing this tweet. RIP in peace, my little angel. You were too good for this world.
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Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.