If you squint and shoot up with black tar heroin cut with crushed glass, you might be able to see a joke in there.
Victim: Sausage Joke
Time of death: March 21, 10:06 a.m.
Cause of Death: Extended sausage metaphor and blood loss.
My first question was, "Why is Jimmy Dean in the news today?" The answer is that it was not. There was no sausage news. And Huckabee led with sausage, weaving the sausage metaphor throughout the joke. Why sausage? Did he hear "Gorusch" and think that sounded similar to "sausage?" Did he mean to make a hamfisted pun, "Gorsausage," but the neuron responsible for completing the idea dropped the baton? Did he think "grinding" and "sausage" in the same sentence would result in anything but homoerotic ideation? Or did he work backwards from the concept of congressional "pork" spending? The most honest and depressing answer is that Huckabee, while making his lunch, stared at his Jimmy Dean sausage as it rotated in the microwave. "Sausages are funny," he giggled, and began feverishly drafting.
Victim: CNN joke
Time of death: March 20, 6:14 p.m.
Cause of death: Bisection, decapitation.
"The president of CNN is named Jeff Zucker," Huckabee pointed out, eyes growing as big as saucers. "And the president of Facebook is Mark Zuckerberg," he observed astutely, fingers flying across his keyboard. "Their names ... they both start with Zucker." His massive erection made it difficult to type, but he soldiered on. "So what if CNN did its own internet site? One called FakeBook, like FaceBook but for fake news." As his quivering finger hovered over the "tweet" button, a tiny voice tried to warn him "No, stop, please." But, like always, he smothered it, and the feeble little flame of dignity sputtered out once and for all.
Victim: Tom Brady jersey joke
Time of death: Still on life support, but barely.
Cause of death: Unknown, but probably autoerotic asphyxiation.
Hey, this one is legitimately funny! In response to Tom Brady's stolen jersey being found, Huckabee made a cheeky joke about how he had sex with Tom Brady in a secluded hotel room. Sex with Tom Brady so hardcore and illicit that the cops are involved! The jersey, no doubt used in some sort of highly illegal sex act involving chickens and cocaine, is going to be collected by the police as evidence. This joke is a saucy, devilish delight, and Huckabee is brave for inviting the reader to imagine him in sweaty, urgent coitus with Tom Brady.