There are a lot of great reasons to throw a Super Bowl party. Maybe you still have frozen hot dogs left over from last years Fourth of July party. Maybe drinking alcohol and watching roided-out men cannonball into each other is the only stimulus that your brain responds to nowadays. Maybe you've been kicked out of every Buffalo Wild Wings in a 50-mile radius and figured "Screw it, I'll have people come to me this year."
Why can't they understand that smashing bottles against the table is how I enjoy the game?
We're not here to judge. Whatever your reasons for throwing a Super Bowl bash, the Cracked Dispensary is glad to help. Our T-shirts are made of breathable cotton, guaranteed to keep you fresh even during the game's most tense moments. No more sweating into the queso dip.
Boba Fett is the Super Bowl party overachiever. You tell him to bring a football for a game of light two-handed touch, and he brings a basketball, a keytar, and tackles you with rocket boosters. You ask him to bring ice to keep drinks cold, and he freezes everything in carbonite. Wear this shirt and let everyone know that you'd travel to the outer rim of the galaxy if it meant making sure that everyone at the party had a good time.
Georgia (the state, the country, and the font) hasn't seen a major sports championship in 20 years. That will all change if the Atlanta Falcons beat the Patriots on Super Bowl Sunday. Wear this T-shirt and rep all things Georgia with pride. Fist-bump the font aficionado in your group of friends. Everybody needs somebody, ya' know?
Another year with the Cowboys as favorites to make the Super Bowl, and another year in which they fail to win a playoff game. But there's a reason for the Cowboys' futility, and this T-shirt perfectly explains it. Cowboys don't want to win Super Bowls. They want to go to space. So until Jerry Jones builds a stadium on the Moon, we're unlikely to see a Cowboys Super Bowl victory in our lifetime.
We could see it happening.
True. It would make the phrase "Jerry World" a lot more literal. But you don't need football in space to have an exciting Super Bowl party. Not when you have the Cracked Store and a room full of people with an unbridled love for yelling at television screens.
It doesn't matter the score of the game, how good the commercials are, or if Tom Brady throws the ball so hard that it rips a hole in space-time. Ultimately, your Super Bowl party is going to be judged based on the eats, and if you're a klutz on the grill, then your guests are going to taste it. The Plaid Cow Society deals in only the highest-quality cuts of grass-fed beef and cage-free, drug-free chicken. Best of all, each box contains step-by-step cooking instructions to ensure that your grilling will be top-notch and you won't set the patio ablaze. Again.
The game's a blowout and Trivago has bought up all the Super Bowl commercial air time. What do you do to keep your guests from growing riotous? It's time for flip cup. This wonder of drunken American ingenuity shrinks down flip cup so you can drink, flip, and scream at your opponents on the coffee table, on the floor, or standing on the rooftop naked from the waist down. And that's just one scenario!
There are going to be points in the game when things aren't going your way. But it's hard to stay mad when your drink is being poured from a football-shaped flask. This baby not only can hold up to ten shots of the drink of your choice, but it also spirals tightly whether full or empty. What we're saying is, you don't have to be Tom Brady to want to deflate this football.
Hey! He's innocent! Grumble grumble air temperature!
Bill Belichick, we didn't know you read Cracked! In case you want to join the rest of us in reality, scroll to the top of the page and click the links to go to their corresponding product pages. You can also click the links here for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store. Whether or not you're actually Bill Belichick, you can look at it this way: This merchandise is so good for parties that using it would almost be cheating.