Make Your Bed Fit For A King With These 5 Sleepytime Items

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

We all love sleeping. It's cozy, refreshing, and full of dreams about Burt Reynolds slowly and seductively feeding us pizza rolls. But sleeping isn't always easy. So, can you buy a good night's rest? Is that possible? Yes! And these five products will help you finally get those Z's you've been craving. For cheap! The Cracked Store has your back, with stuff like ...

The Gravis Weighted Blanket

Why would a heavier blanket help you sleep better? Because science, duh. (That's usually the answer.) But really, it's true. Studies have shown that wrapping yourself in this 20-pound cotton hug reduces stress and anxiety without the help of prescription medicine. This is pure blanket goodness, loaded with (surprisingly comfy) glass pellets for weight. Normally $259.99, you can own it now for just $207.99.

Anti-Snoring Jaw Strap, Two-Pack

Snoring can be caused by a lot of things, but outside of surgery or divorce, there isn't too much that can fix it. However, one of the things that can work is a taught jaw strap. The anti-snoring jaw strap applies pressure to the lower jaw and top of the head, stopping snoring and preventing your partner from angrily dumping you during a sleep-deprived breakfast. It's basically a win-win. And right now, it's available for just $12.99, which is 67 percent off the retail price. So you can call that a win-win-win.

Pzizz Pro Lifetime Subscription

Remember science, that cheeky minx? She's back. And this time, she triumphantly returns in the form of human-composed, algorithmically remixed sounds optimized to get you to sleep, keep you asleep, and wake you up ready to kick-start the day. Even J.K. Rowling uses this app, which means that it's quality, and also that you can stop using movies based on J.K. Rowling's books to put yourself to sleep. A lifetime subscription is normally priced at $600, but is available to you right now for a paltry $49.99.

iEnjoy Home Down Pillows, Two-Pack

Everyone knows that pillows are all about the thread count, and the iEnjoy Home Down Pillows have more tightly packed threads than an episode of Game Of Thrones. Filled with both duck down and feathers, these head cradles will grab your skull and suck it down into a deep, dark pit of glorious sleep. They're made with a high-quality weave that's both durable and soft, and while they normally retail at $89.99, we're only charging you $49.99 for them. Deal with it.

Ultra Soft 1800 Series Bamboo Bed Sheets, Four-Piece Set

So you've got your heavy blanket, your sleep app, your anti-snoring jaw strap, and your comfy new pillows. What else could your bed ever need? Well, unless you want to look like a degenerate, you need some new sheets. These luxurious sheets are made from bamboo yarn and high-strength microfibers, and will upgrade your room past the "just moved out of college" stage. Get an entire set of bamboo sheets here for just $29.99.

Leave Nightwalkers up to their own devices, you've got better things to do in the Death Starry Night, like sleeping. So, get on with your bad self.

For more ways to make your bedroom the oasis it should be, check out Goodnight You Princes Of Maine, Kings Of The Cracked Store.