So the news sites I pretend to check when people walk in on me looking at porn at the local library told me something interesting about black people today: Apparently, they possess magical powers. Did you know this - that an entire segment of our population has, all this time, possessed fairy-like abilities, similar to unicorns, leprechauns, and English Schoolchildren? The headline informed of these ‘Magical Negroes’ and, more specifically, their role in damaging the career of one of the latest candidates for Chairman of the Republican National Committee. I read on, enthralled, expecting to take a fantastical journey though the dashing and thrilling tales of a ragtag young group of African-American sorcerers, and their mystical battle with the Political lord of all evil (sort of like Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo meets Harry Potter meets Frost/Nixon,) but instead suffered through about five-hundred words of mealy-mouthed bullshit and effete Politically Correct whining.

This is literally the reason Photoshop was invented.

If you haven’t heard the story by now, here’s the run-down: An LA times reporter called Barack Obama a “magic n***o” in an op-ed column, inspiring a man named Paul Shanklin, who’s sort of a poor man’s Weird Al Yankovick (which is odd, because I always thought Weird Al Yankovick was the poor man’s Weird Al Yankovick,) to pen a parody song titled Barack The Magic n***o. Rush Limbaugh, being as always a jiggling bag of fat and dicks, then played it on the air and guffawed sanctimoniously while chained up Twi'lek slave-girls danced around his Carbonite-frozen Han Solo.

Any excuse for the Gold Bikini...

Then came the aforementioned RNC candidate, Chip Saltsman, who needed a way to butter up members of the committee for his pending chairmanship. However, rather than opting for the tempting flash of say, a Gold Rolex, or even the subtle refinement of the Bronze Casio Calculator Watch, instead decided to distribute CDS of “humorous” political parodies from a right wing perspective containing