This is literally the reason Photoshop was invented.
If you havenât heard the story by now, hereâs the run-down: An LA times reporter called Barack Obama a âmagic negroâ in an op-ed column, inspiring a man named Paul Shanklin, whoâs sort of a poor manâs Weird Al Yankovick (which is odd, because I always thought Weird Al Yankovick was the poor manâs Weird Al Yankovick,) to pen a parody song titledAny excuse for the Gold Bikini...
Then came the aforementioned RNC candidate, Chip Saltsman, who needed a way to butter up members of the committee for his pending chairmanship. However, rather than opting for the tempting flash of say, a Gold Rolex, or even the subtle refinement of the Bronze Casio Calculator Watch, instead decided to distribute CDS of âhumorousâ political parodies from a right wing perspective containing
âHeeeey, whatâs up, my magical negro?â
No, the term âMagic Negroâ is a critical theory term, referring to a popular post-modernist concept in literary fiction and films. It refers to a stock character utilized by hack writers when deus ex machina keeps getting caught up by their spell checker. The Magic Negro is typically a secondary character - usually a prisoner or servant - who through nigh-on âmagicalâ insight, wisdom, and patience guides the white protagonist through all of his trials and tribulations, ultimately assisting him in becoming a better human being, but without ever bettering himself. Now, while I'm sure quite a few of the guys involved in this scandal are using it more like a deragotory slur than a thesis statement, that's not what it's originally supposed to mean. The term was most recently popularized by Spike Lee in a lecture at Washington State University, but itâs really been around for thousands of years. The Chinese called the concept Kun-Lun, which referred to quite literally magical black slaves that featured in hundreds of fairy tales and local legends; leaping into rivers, dodging spears, and dying epic, noble deaths just for the honor of serving their masters in some small way.
Probably nothing like this.
See, itâs not insulting somebody to call them a âMagic Negro,â unless theyâre actually magical and of African-American descent, in which case just call them by their first name - donât be a dick. It isnât insulting a black man to infer that heâs incredibly wise or insightful (thatâs one of those racial stereotypes whose flattery offsets the inherent ignorance - like how Latinos are dangerously sexy, Asians are good at math and karate, and all New Zealanders have super-strength and can fly, but only when nobodyâs looking.) Itâs actually just pointing out the subtle racism inherent in relegating a black man to a servant's role âFuck yeah, I know what deconstructionism is. Don't assume shit, bitch.
But you know who should be intimately familiar with Liberal Arts terminology? Fucking Liberals! This is your stereotype, guys! The chief tactic you have in appearing intelligent is the ability to spout inscrutable bullshit about pop culture, and make it sound like itâs a real thing. If you canât rattle off a few thousand words of dense literary terminology about the emotional schism between duty and self in Quentin Tarantinoâs Reservoir Dogs, then how the hell will everybody know how much smarter you are than them? My god, youâd have to start doing math or something! And letâs face it, if you were good with numbers you probably wouldnât be a liberal in the first place. Now, I know that it
âHey, Jackie. Whatâs three-hundred and seventeen plus two-hundred and si- WHOA, HEY! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!â
So when bleeding heart-liberals canât tell the difference between racial epithets and literary terminology, they deserve all the scorn they can get. But thatâs not to say my heart doesnât go out to them. I want to help you, my puppy-kissing, money-wasting, Sedaris-reading friends. So, in order to prevent future cultural faux pasâ like this one, letâs do a quick rundown, shall we? Here is a list of famous black characters. Can you tell which are actually magical, and which are Magic Negroes?
It's trickier than you might think!
Answer: Magic Negro
Answer: Actually Magic
Answer: Magic Negro
Answer: Actually Magic
Answer: Magic Negro
Answer: Both
Answer: Just Crazy
Answer: Not Black
Answer: Actually Magic
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