There was a time, Internet, that was very dark for me. I wasn't always the smirking, black-coffee-drinking, mountain of abs that writes articles for your enjoyment every Friday afternoon. There was, gentle readers, a dark time in my past, and I think it's time I share it with you. This time occurred after I was a street vigilante, but right before I started officially writing for Cracked. (Because my past is so filled with exciting mysteries and intricate and complex details, it's easy to get lost. As a guide, I've provided this helpful, though incomplete, timeline:)
I'm talking about that awful period around 2006.
I'm talking about addiction, friends.
For a while, I thought it was great. I spent all my time with my new drug, and I thought I can't imagine a better way to spend my life. But I stopped eating. And sleeping. I went weeks without seeing my family or the sunlight.
All I did was sit in front of my computer and watch videos of Magibon. She's one of Youtube's newest stars. Have you heard of here? Each of her videos receives millions upon millions of views, so it's clear that I'm not the only one who was addicted. But boy, I certainly was addicted, no question. Lucky for you folks, I was smart enough to chronicle my addiction process from start to finish. Hopefully, once you've seen what an addiction like this can do to your life, you'll be smart. You won't end up like me or the millions of other poor bastards that have been glued to Magibon's videos.
Day 1: A friend sent me this clip one morning: What the hell? Nothing technically happened. This was just 35 seconds of a vaguely Japanese girl blinking at the camera... How the hell did this clip get over 1,300,000 views?
I'm gonna watch another one. Maybe I missed something the first time around.
Well at least she talked in that one, that's kinda cute, I guess. I don't know if it warrants a million views, but okay.
Maybe I should watch another one...
Oooh, we've got a lot to say now, don't we, Little Magibon? Now, my Japanese is, at best, nonexistent, but I'm pretty sure she said she wanted to have a picnic with me. If that's the case, then yes, Magibon, I would love to have a picnic with you. (I was shouting at the computer screen at this point.)I would love to have a picnic with you.
And in that video, she and I ate pizza together.
Look! Look how cold she is! Isn't that precious? Someone get my little princess a scarf. Look at you with your tiny little nose you- you are something else. You're cold, aren't you? Aren't you!? [At this point I blacked out, so I don't really remember much. My girlfriend-at-the-time says that I came after her with a knife and tried to make a scarf out of her, mumbling "CiaoNowByeByeMaggieDess" the whole time. But she tends to exaggerate. Anyway we broke up or whatever.]
Day 17: [On the phone with Cracked Headitor Jack O'Brien.]
DOB: Yo, Jakk Wylde, (of the Jack Label Society), I found this girl and I really think Cracked needs to hire her. Jack: There's something so frustrated and mesmerizing about this girl. I can't stop watching these clips you sent me... I kind of... I kind of want to cook for her, like, just cook a meal for her, is that weird? DOB: I bought her an engagement ring. Hire her. Jack: I don't even... I mean of course I'd love to, but what would we have her do? DOB: I don't f*****g care, Snap Jackle & Pop, just make it happen. Give her all the money. Jack: Did you see the one where she eats pizza? DOB: Give her all the money! Day 24:
[After I watched this one, I sent out a cryptic message to everyone I knew. ]
"If you guys don't give it your all this year, I'm gonna f*****g come after you, and I'm gonna kill you. I am going to track down every single one of you and I swear to Christ I will cut your throat if I find out for even a second that you're not giving it your all. One f*****g second." [It was the first anyone had heard from me in over three weeks.] ---------------------- Eventually, I'd passed out due to lack of food and water, but not before sending out a series of, in retrospect, threatening letters to Japan asking them to let me meet Magibon "if they knew what was good for their stupid country full of lollipop-shaped rice-muchers." (Again, my deepest, most sincere apologies to Japan and all who dwell within, lollipop-shaped or otherwise.) I did about six months in Hazelden and now I can safely say I am completely clean, but still pretty confused about the whole ordeal. What is it exactly about this Magibon that made her so irresistible? Not just to me, but to the millions and millions that watch every single one of her videos? At the end of the day, she is a 21 year old woman from Brooklyn pretending to be a 15 year old girl from Japan. And that's... that's kinda weird, but not weird enough to deserve as much attention as she's gotten. She's just got this delicate mixture of pointlessness and...Huh. Come to think of it, I guess it's just all pointlessness. Or pointlessness mixed with blue t-shirts, or pizza or something. Is that the formula for internet stardom? Having nothing relevant to say plus having access to a french bread pizza? Or is it Being tiny and of indecipherable ethnicity plus having the ability to blink? I mean, at first I was just curious why she had so many hits, but that doesn't explain why I kept watching her. Is anyone else stuck on this girl? If I'm alone in this, someone please explain it to me. Someone explain how this unremarkable girl got millions of views, and explain why I watched every god damn one of her videos several times. And, Magibon, if you're reading, I think it'd be good if you sent me an email so we can touch base and chat and maybe get a little married or whatever.
This should have resulted in years of therapy.
Sometimes it's just a matter of making the US Department of Defense look, like, REALLY cool.
Actual impending doom like global climate change or mass extinction just makes people bored.