Is it too early to start making fun of M. Night Shyamalan’s next film? No? Thank god, because I have this whole thing written out already, and I would have been completely boned if you’d said, "Yes." Shyamalan--either through a deal with the devil (that even the devil is likely regretting about now); a series of misunderstandings so wacky they'd have to feature a guest appearance by Mr. Bean; or possibly just good ol' fashioned inscrutable Asian trickery--has managed to secure a three picture financing deal with Media Rights Capital called the Night Chronicles (because calling them "a colossal waste of money" seems a tad pessimistic).

“No, I’m not going wakeboarding. What do I, want to pull a groin muscle?” – Tad Pessimistic

Shyamalan writes, directs and produces most of his movies himself, ostensibly operating under the assumption that if you want to fuck up something that badly, you have to do it all yourself. But the first of the Night Chronicles movies, dubbed Devil, will mark the first time Shyamalan has conceived of and written an idea without also directing it. And this is just a monstrously bad idea: Shyamalan is actually a competent, if somewhat unoriginal director. He’s got a good eye and he knows how to build tension in a scene;  it’s just that his ideas are hide-the-cutlery retarded. So inevitably, all of those tense scenes he’s carefully constructed end up taking a pratfall down the Dipshit Stairs when the monster is ultimately revealed to be an Amish dude or a douglas fir. Say what you will about The Last Airbender, there was some good framing and solid construction in there. It’s just that, much like an overexcited teenage boy with a classic car, he couldn’t resist spewing dickhead all over it: He slapped flames and spoilers and other such novelty bullshit on it, bought all the wrong parts for it and then installed tinted windows so dark he couldn't actually see the road and flipped the whole thing into a ditch. But judging by the rest of his track record, letting him write and produce are the two things you should not do, while directing is the one thing you should. But hey, maybe he’s breaking out of his rut. Let’s at least watch the trailer and read the press release before we start judging: “The "Sixth Sense" director will produce the supernatural thriller "Devil," an independently financed project based on his idea. Devil is basically a supernatural thriller set inside of an office building. There are some people stuck in an elevator, and one of them is not who they say they are [the devil]." This article just became interactive: Quickly tear off a small piece of paper-- no more than an inch or so--and grab a pen. Now, jab that pen into your eyeball with a short, furious burst of power followed by a prolonged period of constant pressure. The best way to do this is to secure the pen to a wall or doorway, carefully line up your angles, and then fall forward into it - otherwise your pain centers are going to tell you to jerk it out before you get deep enough, and we really need to pierce the ocular wall and get into the frontal lobe here. I’ll give you a second.

"AUUUHHHGGGGOD I HAVE TO STOP LISTENING TO THE INTERNET."

Done? Good! Now, pull the pen out of your ruined brain and write a sentence adhering to these criteria: Somebody or something is trapped somewhere unexpected, and one person or thing is not what one would otherwise reasonably assume. All set? Awesome. I’m assuming you wrote something along the lines of “Hor dordle ordle dor” before the overwhelming pain and shock caused the pleasure center of your brain to misfire and you shot ejaculate on your keyboard. And that’s OK, because it’s still just slightly more intriguing than the premise of