. If we took up a collection right now, raised a modest budget, cast a charming, unpretentious lead and put âHor Dordle Ordle Dor: The Tragic Story of One Disabled Manâs Quest to Find His Pantsâ on film, I promise you it would be a more rewarding cinematic experience than Devil
It's a gripping journey; will they ever get all the way up there?
And in case you think Iâm exaggerating in order to make this sound worse than it is, here is the real, actual logline they were using to market this movie:
âThe film revolves around a group of people trapped in an
, and one of them is the devil
Do you have loved ones? Tell them youâve been depressed lately. Tell them youâve been lonely and listless; that you were honestly thinking about ending it all, and then you discovered the joy of writing. Make sure they know, in no uncertain terms, that this is the only thing keeping you alive. Then tell them you wrote a story. When they ask what itâs about, say these exact words out loud: âIt revolves around a group of people trapped in an elevator
, and one of them is the devil
The concept for this film is so stupid that, even with your very life at stake, the person who cares about you most in the world has just now laughed themselves into a Tourettic seizure and are currently twitching on the ground while screaming obscenities. Keep in mind they are doing this despite being fully aware
that this will shatter your fragile psyche and you will likely respond by sprinting into the bathroom to eat a Vicodin and Cognac Sandwich.
"Hahaha, oh god, oh god I'm going to miss you so much! Ahahaha shit!"
And remember that this is a three picture deal: A trilogy, a
of M. Night Shyamalan conceived and written films. Now, donât ask me how I did this--there was a lot of cocaine, a good amount of huddled crying and about four quarts of lard involved--but I managed to get my hands on the idea sheet of possible storylines for the next two movies in the series:
It was supposed to be the night of Mochachinoâs life: She just landed the starring role in an all-transvestite rendition of Glengarry Glen Ross
. But when the cast is out celebrating with an impromptu driving tour of El Paso and the bus gets a flat, some strange transformations begin to take place. The severe angles, the furious honking, the strange, curved cruciform symbols on the brand-platesâ¦
Sixty-nine transvestites are trapped on a tour bus, and the bus is not what it seems [itâs Hitler again].
A trailer comes out that looks kind of neat, but the storyline is left mysteriously vague. Upon further research, the movie you were initially, very briefly excited about starts to sound more and more like the plot to a coloring book.
M. Night Shyamalan is trapped in one of his movies, but is he who he says he is? [Unfortunately, yes.]
You can buy Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, or find him on Twitter, Facebook and his own site, I Fight Robots or you can stay tuned for the extra special twist after the credits (HINT: It's nothing! Websites don't have credits and you can't "stay tuned" to them.)