The Sobriety Gland: A relative of the adrenal gland, the sobriety gland (nestled just behind the left ear) releases a rush of chemicals that immediately cleanses all alcohol from the bloodstream. Its powerful endocrinal cocktail is triggered whenever an authority figure or oncoming car is perceived. If such a gland is biologically infeasible, explosive punches may be substituted.
The Nozzles of Langehans: These follicle-sized nozzles in the male armpit release a visible cloud of pheromones that instantly attract women to the sprayer. Now even loser Internet comedians can walk into a trendy bar, let a cloud rip and be home in time to snuggle up in front of the newest Lost. Naturally, the nozzles are also paired with a small gristle-like valve called simply âthe bodyâs pharmacistâ which prevents the contraction of any STDs and causes ejaculate to be lemon-scented.
The Organ Organ: Iâve just really always wanted to play the organ, and itâd be nice if they were more portable.
The Pizza Secreter: More or less self-explanatory, although I should point out that while it can do both thick and thin crust, the thin crust pizzas are secreted from a part of the body that renders them less than appetizing. And don't even get me STARTED on where the chicken wings come from! (It's the butt. The chicken wings come out your butt.)
The Twittersphere: A small, underdeveloped portion of the cerebral cortex that formulates thoughts only in segments of up to 140 characters, and compels the owner to plug their own Twitter feed at the end of any written communication, like a total tool.
If youâd like to keep up with Michael on Twitter, start following him @SWAIM-CORP! Hurry, before it gets bought out by DOB_INC and the tweet prices skyrocket!
When not using flesh as a canvas, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
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