Bluetooth: It's Not Just For Terrible People Anymore

Bluetooth has gotten its share of flack over the years, having been appropriated by snooty business types, inattentive parents, and that one jerk at the airport. But really, it's a great tool that delivers fantastic sound quality while freeing up your hands to do whatever you want.

This feels like the setup for a dirty joke.

Typically it would be, but we mean this in earnest. Being hands-free means you don't have to start and stop what you're doing. It means your life flows unencumbered. It means that instead of you having to act upon the music, the music acts upon you.

Are you getting philosophical in the store column?

Alright, you know what! Here are some hoodies from the Cracked Dispensary that we think will look cool while you wear Bluetooth. Poop, butt, Robocop, fart-nugget. Are you happy?



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Giving Boba Fett a keytar and a basketball kind of feels like running up the score. Just how cool can one guy get? This cool. We've reached pinnacle coolness. Boba Fett dunking while jamming out is the coolest possible thing in existence. Sorry, mid-slapshot Han Solo drinking an IPA. Sorry, Luke Skywalker playing drums while snowboarding down a mountain. This is the coolest hoodie in the Universe, and it's not even close.

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Considering that right now you're reading a merchandise column on, we feel pretty safe in assuming that you're either a fan of comic books, wrestling, or hopefully both. Wonder Woman, with her insane strength, brightly colored leotard, and forceful personality, is ideally suited to the WWE. Nobody steps into the ring with Diana Prince and exits with their bones intact, and nobody wears this sweatshirt without feeling like both the Women's and World Champion of the DC Universe.

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As far as we're concerned, the greatest band to come out of the '70s was Mos Eisley's Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, Led Zeppelin and The Who be damned. Wear this sweatshirt to celebrate the greatest musicians in the galaxy, and know that no matter what hive of scum and villainy you hail from, you're the coolest life form in the room.

I'm more of a Max Rebo fan.

Ah, so you know your Star Wars in-universe performance artists after all! Then you also know how frustrating it is when some nosy Jedi interrupts your favorite Tatooine jazz. That's why the Cracked Store is busting out our best Bluetooth devices to make sure that no matter what you're doing, the music stays right in your head like Obi-Wan from the beyond.

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The Boombotix Boombot Bass Station might seem small, but it packs a nice "Sorry, can you hear us? The whole room is shaking!" That's because the Boombot's waterproof speaker is docked upon a 15W subwoofer, meaning you're literally getting bass on top of bass. You can then take the Boombot off the dock and bring it with you, giving you the ability to rattle seismographs wherever you go.

Not since peanut butter and jelly or bears in hammocks have two things been more seamlessly integrated than beanies and Bluetooth. This music-playing beanie streams songs directly from your smartphone, allowing you to listen to whatever you want, wherever you want, and all without the inconvenience of wires. Sure, when you answer calls using the built-in mic, people may whisper, "Why's that wacko talking to his hat?" But like all people who talk to their hats, you're experiencing a magic that they'll never understand.

The All-Terrain Bluetooth speaker is the ideal sound system for anyone who's read a Clive Cussler novel and thought "Is this based on my life?" Clip this to your bike as you hit the road, slip it in your bag as you hit the slopes, or heck, strap it to your back as you wrestle alligators. This is waterproof, weatherproof, and has been tested to withstand a 10-foot drop onto concrete. What we're saying is, if you're ever in the mood to rappel from a one-story building, you'll never have to worry about breaking your Bluetooth speaker.

I feel the beat within my heart!

You should probably get that checked out by a doctor. However, if you want more items from Cracked, then click the links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store here. If you want to go straight to the hoodies and Bluetooth items, then just scroll up and click, dummy! What was that? Oh, sorry. We weren't calling you a dummy. That was just someone on the phone.

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