As you'll soon see, no matter which Nicolas Cage you choose for this particular experiment, the outcome will remain the same. Do you have your Nicolas Cage? You do? Good. (It's mustache Nicolas Cage, isn't it?) I caught the trailer to Nicolas Cage's next movie, Knowing, the other day, and I've reposted it below.
There's nothing too remarkable about this movie on its surface (well, apart from Nicolas Cage's absurdly boastful claim to his son that he's going to make sure he never lets his son die. Not to doubt your parenting skills, but telling your child that he's never going to die is a lie, no matter how you spin it). The trailer is otherwise a typical modern action-thriller. To be fair, I watched it with the sound off and while also watching something else on television, but I caught enough to conclude that it's a movie about Nicolas Cage saving, solving or destroying the world using math.
I watched the trailer and evaluated the different circumstances that would be required for me to watch that movie. I concluded that: A) I would never pay a dime to see that movie. B) I would never actively pursue that movie, nor rearrange my schedule in any way to catch it. C) If it came on television somewhere down the line (probably TNT), I would watch some of it if and only if I didn't have any new movies, it was too late to go out and House wasn't on. I felt safe in this conclusion because, since House is rarely not on, it seemed unlikely that I would ever see Knowing, and I decided that if I died having never seen
Got it? Come on, think about all of the Nicolas Cage movies you've seen. This is the one where he's got that grey t-shirt and the jacket, and the longish, awkward hair, and he looks intense and does a whole lot of running. I mean, it would
See that? It's the clothes, yes, and the hair. The look of intensity. And it's the right leg up. The near identical positions of the arms. The fact that his jacket is blowing in the wind with the exact same intensity in each picture. How does something like that even happen? He's even going to the same destination in two different movies. One more time, with my notes now.
This might not be mind-blowing to you. There's a slight chance that I'm a little bit obsessed with Nicolas Cage. Okay, there's more than a slight chance, because it's clear that I sat around, watching a ton of Nicolas Cage movies searching for patterns, as if I was perversely recreating what I think is the plot from Knowing. So, yes, maybe I'm a tad obsessed with trying to find what makes this wide-eyed maniac tick. I just feel like he did great work in, for example, Adaptaion, and then he took all of his ability and focused on making one movie for, I guess, the rest of his career. Which would be okay, except the movie he keeps making sucks. I'm sick of seeing it: He's in a race against time, he needs to get to the truth, nobody believes him, some explosions happen and he's extremely intense. Also, something will happen at one point that will necessitate his having a flashlight.
I don't know what the moral of this story is. I suppose it could be "Don't see Knowing, because you already did except it was called Snake Eyes, and instead of the end of the world, it was a boxing match, and instead of numbers being the answer, it was Gary Sinise." That sure as hell doesn't sound like a moral. Maybe there is no moral. Regardless, all of the photo research that this article required brought me to my new favorite game that I'd love to share with you. It's called "Nicolas Cage." Unlike my associate, Gladstone's game, this one isn't complicated or Facebook-related (also, it's fun). Here's how you play:
But I gotta tell you, I had a blast. First of all, images of Nicolas Cage acting are inherently hilarious. Everyone knows that.
And it's even
See? I've just shown and told you everything you will ever need to know about the movie Face/Off. Bam. I could shorten Nicolas Cage's entire career to a few pictures and, like, 100 words, and that's a pretty liberal estimation.
Congrats, you've just seen The Wicker Man. I could literally do this shit all day. And, if you find some spare time, grab a picture of Nicolas Cage, add some friggin' words, and post a link below If I like it, I'll add it to this page [spoiler alert: I will definitely like it].
Edit:FUCK YES! I'm getting these emails faster than I can put them up. I'm posting (almost) every single one I receive. I don't have a problem dedicated literally all of my day to this project.
[Hilarious to me because I have no idea what movie this is and Nicolas Cage is clearly covered in vomit or poop or something.--DOB.]
By Count Baqula
[Works for me because, as Baq pointed out, the line is equally applicable to his film career.--DOB]
[Was Nicolas Cage a vampire in something?? That's terrific! --DOB]
By Steven O.
Anthony[What fucking movie is this? His costume looks straight outta local theater, this is absurd.--DOB]
[Author requests you read this out loud through clenched teeth.--DOB]
[ Those two above Wicker Man posters came in at almost the exact time from two different people. How fucking awesome is that? When people are told to summarize Wicker Man, they independently come to the conclusion that being dressed as a bear and punching women was the only thing that happened. I think this might be the most important work I've ever done. -- DOB]
By Cracked Super Intern Randall!
By CRACKED Writer Jeff Kelly!
[I think the best thing is that we all clearly have no idea what Captain Corelli's Magical Mystery Mandolin was actually about. --DOB]
By Jeff Kelly Again!
[Man, look at the face of the guy who isn't Nicolas Cage. He's totally thinking "You're right, I DO talk like the wind." Look at how appreciated he feels --DOB]
[Things I love about this one: a) Cage is clearly struggling to understand this very simple concept. b) A chick made this one. Hot.--DOB]
By Jeff Kelly Again!
By Cracked Writer Malcolm Christiansen!
By Eric M.
By Boonehams again
This trilogy by Malcolm Christiansen is incredible.
By Robert Brockway!
By Malcolm again!
[Not technically following the rules, but I love this one because the idea that Nicolas Cage has as hard a time as we do figuring out which of his movies is which is hilarious to me.--DOB]
By Dan R.
Most rich kids just want to be pop stars.
How did these hyper-specific tropes spread so quickly?
The Hollywood rumor mill has been playing games with celebrity deaths for at least a century.
It's easy to work the system and win these awards even if you don't deserve them.