Land Your Dream Job (With Help From The Cracked Dispensary)

2017 is here, and with it comes new opportunities, new resolutions, and a whole new set of anxiety-producing expectations. You've told yourself that this is the year you'll finally make it big, but as the gears of 2017 finally start to turn, you're starting to reckon with the soul-crushing question of "How?"

I'm freaking out here! What do I do with my life!?

Follow your heart. By which we mean follow the money. And the money says, "App development and computer programming."

It does?

Heck yeah! Developers are in high demand right now, and they come with the added panache of looking like every cool bad guy from the Bond films. Fortunately for you, the Cracked Dispensary has all the gear you need to reel in that developer job and make sure that you look SPECTRE-level fresh while you do it.

The first thing you need to get into computer programming is a computer. The second thing is this Doctor's Association laptop sleeve. No, the Doctor from Doctor Who isn't technically a medical doctor, but he'll protect your laptop from every Dalek in the Starbucks. This lightweight sleeve is created with high-quality polyester and is fully lined with super soft scratch-resistant micro-fiber, guaranteed to withstand the rigors of time travel, or at least a spilled beverage.

If there's one thing Apple taught us, it's to "think different," and nothing says different like outfitting your MacBook with a sticker that celebrates one of Apple's greatest competitors. The droids from Star Wars and the Droid phone from Motorola share more than a name. They share a vision of toppling a great empire and a tendency to ignore voice commands. Pop this Droids skin onto your computer, and let the world know that you won't back down from the Empire's tyranny, no matter how many delightful keynote presentations they make.

It doesn't matter whether you're a metal-bending robot that runs on alcohol or an impoverished street artist who presumably also runs on alcohol -- everyone needs love. And nobody understands that more than Bender and Banksy. Now you can spread your love of futuristic apps without ever incurring damage to your phone, thanks to this case's hard plastic liner and shock-absorbing rubber. So go ahead, Bender. Bite our shiny metal phone case. It won't do you much good.

How's a phone case going to make me money, again?

Umm. Haha. Well, umm ...

What will help you make money are our programming bundles from the Cracked Store. Failing that, taking these courses will at least give you something to say to your parents the next time they ask what you're doing with your life and when you're moving out.

You don't need a college education to land the job of your dreams. Heck, you don't even need more than $40. The Python Programming Bundle will teach you everything you need to know about coding. Whether you use it to land a sweet gig working for Google or to strike out on your own with the next big app (may we suggest angry pigs that throw stuff at birds) is all up to you.

You might recognize JavaScript as the thing your computer asks you to update every time you want to play Pac-Man, but it's actually a programming language that's essential to learn if you want a career in front-end development. Each one of the 15 courses in the essential JavaScript Coding Bundle guides you step by step. Even if you don't try to work it into a career, you'll at least know what's going on the next time your computer halts everything to ask you if you've heard the good word about the healing powers of JavaScript.

You've built your app and you've built your website. Now all that's left is to prepare your site for the inevitable giant surges in traffic your fantastic app is sure to bring. (You did the pig missile thing, right?) That's where LAMP comes in. LAMP teaches you how to eliminate potential points of failure in your website, and assures that you're prepared for scaling. Get big enough, and maybe some day you too will have a comments section brimming with wonderful fans trolling each other.

I'm going to be so rich!

Right you are, boldfaced text. But first, you have to click the links for the Cracked Dispensary and the Cracked Store and find the gear and bundle for you. You can also scroll up top and click the links for each corresponding product. Now get out there and make 2017 a little less sucky than last year!