8:00 PM PST-
Okay, they're doing a montage of songs nominated. A lot of people are pissed that Springsteen's "Three Legged Dog" song hasn't been nominated, but I'm more shocked that the Dark Knight's "Creepy Violins Played by Razor Blades" theme isn't on this list. This entire night, really, has been a series of "Dark Knight wasn't nominated" moments for me. I guess it'll all be taken care of once Dark Knight wins Best Picture. Drunk Status:
Calling up Swaim and ex-girlfriends complaining about how we should get back together/don't hang out enough respectively. Weiner Update:
More interesting than the Oscars, less interesting than The Soup Awards that are currently on E!.
8:05 PM PST-
So, was that a musical montage dedicated to ethnic diversity, or did the guy that looks like Neo from the Indian Matrix just old school rap-battle John Legend for the fate of the world? If so, I think Indian Neo won, so let's all get prepared to ride forty to a car in bullet-time!
Also, one of the winners was named Ghoul Tsar. I'm sure he prefers to spell it differently, but come on, dude. You're not fooling anybody. You can't be an ordinary guy when your name is Ghoul Tsar. You're a supervillain who probably controls undead communists. Don't front.
8:10 PM PST-
Best Foreign Language Film!!! YAY! I have seen 0 of these films, but I promise, whichever one wins I won't see that one either. Oh dear, the Japanese film,Departures
, won! I did NOT see that coming. And I understand this Director accepting the award speaks English as a second language so I'm not criticizing his accent or limited vocabulary, but what's going on with his volume? I AM very hap-EEEE!!!! Drunk Status: I've lost my pants and I'm randomly IMing Facebook friends
8:15 PM PST-
It just occurred to me that "Tally Ho" is a beautiful example of how Britain's brutal empire-building has impacted and guided the history, culture, and language of India. Right after I realized that, it cut back to the British hosts and I shook my fist at them. Then they said that song was actually called "Jai Ho" and I realized it's the touching story of a Bombay prostitute named Jai Jai Binks (for money). And I wept, my friends. Liam Neeson was so badass in Taken
I want him to be MY Dad. And I want La Femme Nikita to be my hot sister. And I want Leon from
to be my Dad's "best friend." Also, Ghoul Czar 2012!
> Weiner Update:
Dan O'Brien is a wiener. Now there's a list of dead people happening, but I'm choosing to let my capable colleagues risk hauntings by mocking that part of the show.
8:20 PM PST-
Reese Witherspoon is wearing a stupid dress and honoring the Best Director. I haven't checked the nominations, but I think Christopher Nolan is a lock for this category. He did an amazing job with the humble story of a costumed vigilante and really spoke to the larger issues plaguing Darfur, (probably). Drunk Status:
I am not messaging GLADSTONE's facebook friends. Wiener Status:
Swaim is a winner. It's true. As much as I personally despise Swaim, my dick is a huge (HUGE) fan of his internet comedy. It's a shame those two can't get along.
8:25 PM PST-
I don't think Slumdog
deserves to win, necessarily, but Boyle is a damn fine director. Working as a waiter in Nantucket one summer, I went to see a special screening of 28 Days Later
in the only theater on the island. There were like 300 people there - all dickheads in pink popped collar Polos - and only later did I realize Boyle himself was attending. He gave a little speech before the movie about filmmaking, took some questions, and seemed like a nice guy overall. At the time, I was like "who the fuck is this guy? Get to the zombies, bitch." But man, after